I've made a victim out of my friend and I can't cope with the guilt.
**This is not a bot post. Nor is it meant to farm karma. Pretty idiotic to try and farm karma with a confession that you're a piece of garbage.**
20M here. I have been friends with the friend in question for say... 3 years? Maybe longer than that?
She is one of the best friends I've ever had. Truly. Never have I had a person that would give me their kindness and expect nothing in return.
But I've been thinking a lot, and I realized I've treated her pretty horribly. Whether I deliberately meant to or not.
For starters, my self-deprecation has hurt her in ways I didn't realize. I would always say that she could find better people to spend time with, that I really wasn't as special as she thought I was. If I was having a particularly big breakdown I would damn near beg her to just block me on all platforms and never look back.
Neglecting my own needs has also hurt her, it seems. Self-hatred has led me to simply not care about myself. Anytime I have a concerning pain, she tells me to go to the doctor, and I just don't. I have a tooth rotting in my head and she is scared that I could get sepsis or something and she says she hates seeing me fall apart.
I've also just ghosted her a few times in the past, specifically because I was scared of hurting her even more. But she would eventually gather up our other friends to do a wellness check on me. Have you ever heard of something like that? The VILLAIN turning tail and goings away, just for the victim to chase them down?
Of course, I can already hear you saying: "Villain? Nothing so far seems that villainous, you're just unhinged."
Unfortunately, this next bit is much worse, and will make you immediately lose any sympathy for me, if you had any at all.
I've been a massive pervert, without really realizing it. I won't get into why, as thats not the point of the post, but I was addicted to p#rn and s#x-related things for pretty much my whole life after being exposed to things too early. This isn't an excuse, nor do I want it to be, but my mind is very s#x focused.
I ended up asking her pervy questions at times where it doesn't make sense. Making weird comments that sounded fine in the moment that I would immediately regret. (To which she had actually called me out on the horrible timing in the past.) As well as engaging in video calls when she's not quite dressed. (Not the only reason I'd do that, I genuinely like seeing her smile, and her reactions to my jokes, but still.)
These next several bits are pretty much every instance that I can remember that I ruminate over.
Bit #1:
So, as I've mentioned, I've been addicted to p#rn for as long as I can remember now. I've consumed it almost daily for a long time.
My friend started wanting me to stay on the phone with her overnight while she slept, said it made her more comfortable.
I would end up having those urges to consume pornography, so I would just... Mute my mic and turn her down as low as I could and would try to pretend she wasn't there while I would... Relieve myself, so to speak. I didn't think too much about it for a long time. I would get the relief I needed, and she would wake up the next morning happy to hear from me. It seemed like the best idea.
In retrospect, it was really creepy of me, and I'm so guilty and remorseful about it.
Bit #2:
A while back, she invited me to go swimming with her and her family. I ended up being really clingy that day, resting my head on her shoulder and stuff.
When we were swimming, we started roughhousing, and I accidentally put my hand on her chest when she yanked me closer to her. I apologized, and she said she didn't even feel my hand. The issue with this memory is that I don't know if it was really an accident, or if I tried to have it happen again or something. It's become a false memory of sorts. I genuinely cannot remember if I had deliberately meant to do something or not.
And of course, because I exist to make everything worse for some reason, I just had to make incredibly creepy comments.
Bit #3:
At one point, she was showing me the water pressure in her shower, and I could see her chest in the reflection of the showerhead. (She was wearing a bra, of course.)
I immediately said something about it, but my mind immediately told me that I only said something in hopes that she would maybe how me more, or something. I snapped after that thought, and immediately confessed to the thoughts I was having. She said she didn't care, and even said "Of course I'd want to see her chest."
This has led to time after time, me saying something, me immediately thinking I'm a villain for it, and her wondering why I even care enough to be worried.
Bit #4:
At one point, I was talking about how much weight I had gained, and was showing myself off in the mirror to her.
She actually ended up doing the same, showing me pretty much everything from just below her chest down while still wearing underwear. We then spent a bit trying to figure out her specific body type. This isn't that bad, until I ended up asking to see her again randomly, and then being angry at myself for asking. She ended up laughing at me though, saying it was funny that I'd get so mad at myself over something so minor. It doesn't feel minor to me.
Bit #5:
This one is probably one of the worse ones.
At one point, she had turned on her camera to show me her dog under the sheets, to which I then caught a glimpse of her underwear.
Like a pervert, I started asking her to turn her camera back on. We pester each other a lot, so I didn't really register this as anything more than that. That was of course, until I learned about what sexual coercion is, and wondered if that's what I did.
To me it makes me more horrified to wonder how many other instances I've had with her that would be considered me trying to coerce her, and me just being too stupid to realize that's what I did.
Bit #6:
At one point, she accidentally left her camera on while she fell asleep, and I found myself randomly looking at it, as if hoping to see something I shouldn't. I eventually ended up hanging up because I hated how creepy I felt.
...So now that you've read that, you're probably thinking: "How in the hell does she willingly associate with you?!"
If I knew, I'd tell ya. I really don't know.
She always just tells me not to feel bad, that I'm overthinking, that she doesn't mind that I find her s#xually attractive, that she actually expected it because of how close we've gotten.
She tells me that I'm one of the best friends she's ever had, that I've apparently done so much good for her life. She even goes as far as to say I'm irreplaceable. Apparently to her, I'm actually one of the BETTER men that she's met. That's just... Such a horrifying thought, that it can get worse than I can.
"Maybe she's actually into you?" I imagine at least one of you is thinking, as the few times I've talked about this online before, I would get told something similar. Maybe. I don't know. I'm a dense fucking virgin that doesn't really know a damn thing about women so I can't read the room.
This is hurting me so much because I genuinely care for this woman. That's half the reason why I would push her away, because I've always been horrified that I would hurt her. By the book, I HAVE done wrong by her, and I can't help but feel guilty every single time we talk. I don't think I'll ever understand what she sees in me.
I feel disgusted for even having s#xual desires at this point because it feels like I'll just inevitably fuck up again despite not actually wanting to.