I’ve been a really bad cousin and I might have permanently damaged our relationship
I think I’ve been a really bad cousin and I might have permanently damaged our relationship.
I (22F) think I really hurt my cousin (21F) and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Over the last year both of us have been struggling mentally, but in really different ways. I’m doing an art degree at uni and I failed my first year, which completely wrecked me emotionally. I had to apply for extenuating circumstances and even do some counselling through uni because I genuinely was not coping well. Looking back now, I honestly think I’ve been depressed for a while.
The problem is that when I get overwhelmed, I shut down completely. I ignore messages, disappear for days, don’t pick up calls, and isolate myself from everyone. My cousin isn’t the only person I’ve done this to either, it’s honestly a long-term pattern I’ve had for years. Recently I’ve started recognizing how unhealthy it is and I’m trying to work on it, but that doesn’t undo the damage.
At the same time, my cousin has been going through an awful situation herself. She had a huge explosive argument with her family that ended with them basically going no contact with her. I wasn’t there for it, and from what I’ve heard she wasn’t completely innocent either, but her family also aren’t reliable narrators and honestly neither is she. Either way, the fallout was massive. She had to quit uni, get her own apartment, and get a job to support herself.
Despite all of that, she was still there for me emotionally for months. She’d listen to me vent, support me, do my hair for me, and generally show up whenever I needed her.
Meanwhile, I really wasn’t there for her.
One of the biggest recurring issues in her life has been this guy she’s been involved with for over a year. He’s repeatedly shown her he doesn’t care that much and has openly said he doesn’t want labels, but she keeps going back hoping it’ll change. I got frustrated because from my perspective it was obvious he was stringing her along, so whenever she talked about him I’d mostly just tell her to leave him alone.
A month ago she sent me a bunch of voice messages venting about him again and I ignored them completely. At that particular time I had recently had a panic attack and intentionally ignored the messages as I just didn't have the mental bandwidth. Then later I realized I hadn’t heard from her in a while and reached out, and that’s when she told me she’s always there for me emotionally but I’m never really there for her.
And honestly she was right.
The part that hurts the most is that she’s someone who already feels like people don’t truly care about her or stay for her, especially after everything with her family. And I basically fed directly into that fear by disappearing when she needed me too.
I apologised and told her I knew I’d been a bad cousin and that I loved her. I asked if we could meet up to talk or how I could make it up to her, but she just said “you can’t turn back time.” That sentence genuinely made me feel sick because she’s right. I can apologize all I want but I still ignored her when she needed me.
I gave her space for a week and checked in, she replied saying “it’s okay, I’ve moved on.” Again I messaged her recently about meeting up after my exams and she said "ill most likely be busy". I can’t tell if she actually means she’s okay or if she’s emotionally distancing herself from me now.
I think what’s upsetting me most is realizing that even though my mental health explains why I isolate myself, it doesn’t erase the effect it has on people. I convinced myself disappearing was harmless because it’s how I cope, but now I’m realizing how abandoned and uncared for it can make people feel. It has created gaps in my friendships at home where I feel on the outside now.
I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I just feel guilty and sad and like I’ve damaged something important by emotionally checking out of people’s lives for too long.