u/Academic-Net989

2 years ago I lost some of the most important things to me I could have lost. 15 years worth of YouTube videos gone so many sentimental memories it’s like a filmmakers worst nightmare. I feel so much deep pain 24/7 depression and anxiety I’m having a hard time carrying on. I’m not necessarily suicidal but my will to live has seriously been challenged. Is anyone else here in constant pain 24/7? I can’t cope with this loss. I feel like I lost myself. It’s getting to heavy to handle and I don’t know how to deal with this 24/7 pain that I feel. It’s mainly mental / emotional pain I just lost so much of my emotional investments it created so many painful feelings

Lost almost all my YouTube videos from about 12-15 years (3 channels) and 1000s of raw video clips. I got super paranoid randomly about 2 years ago and just deleted almost everything. I grew up as a filmmaker and basically dedicated my life to it and had so many sentimental memories in those videos that helped preserve my childhood and growing up. After deleting them I’ve sunken to the lowest point I can imagine I feel on the verge of a panic attack 24/7 and also am severely depressed / constantly going through the mental pain of thinking about everything I lost. I feel like I lost myself. Those videos became an extension of myself and they were my greatest creative expressions, people who watched my videos knew me so much better because of how much creativity I put into them. This is all I can think about 24/7 and the pain is so deep and feels like it won’t ever get better. Has anyone else had the feeling they completely screwed up their life and mental health for the rest of their life? I truly don’t feel like I’ll ever get better and the therapist just says don’t think about it so much and that doesn’t help. It’s just as much a feeling as it is thoughts. I feel like I invested myself fully into something for so many years and threw all my hard work away. I know I can create more and I’m gonna but it’s just impossible to replace the videos from the past