Depressed spouse
I’m a 36-year-old woman, and my husband is 45. We’ve been together for 16 years and married for 13. Together we have three children, ages 15, 13, and 10.
My husband has struggled with depression on and off throughout our entire relationship, but this past year has been one of the hardest seasons we’ve ever faced.
He has always been the type of man who gives endlessly to others. Over the years, he has opened our home to friends who needed a place to stay. He loves helping the community, especially feeding people experiencing homelessness. He’s also a musician — music truly runs through his soul. On top of that, he has coached youth flag football and basketball for years. Overall, he is someone who genuinely loves people without judgment.
One of the biggest struggles in our relationship has been financial stability. Throughout most of our marriage, I have been the primary provider and have worked consistently longer than he has. I currently work with children with disabilities at a private school, and while I love what I do, it can take a serious toll on my mental and emotional health.
This past year, our children have started noticing his depression much more deeply. Our 15-year-old avoids being home whenever possible, and honestly, I understand why. I still try to allow her to enjoy being a teenager and have space from everything happening at home.
The last few months have been especially difficult. There have been many times I’ve had to leave work early because my husband needed me with him, or I stayed home completely because he begged me not to leave. Thankfully, my boss has been incredibly compassionate and supportive. She has allowed me to stay home when needed and still made sure my income wasn’t affected.
Last month, things became very serious. I called crisis services because my husband was having frightening thoughts and believed the devil wanted to harm him and our children. He was taken to the hospital for a few hours before being discharged. The following day, one of my friends petitioned for him to be admitted into a psychiatric facility because she believed he needed to be somewhere safe.
According to my husband, the psychiatric ward didn’t help him much at all. He described it as mostly sitting in a recliner while being observed, surrounded by people who were screaming, hitting walls, and trying to fight others. He was only there for three days because we do not have health insurance.
The day after he returned home, I took him to a mental health clinic where he was prescribed medication for depression. Unfortunately, the medication seemed to make things worse. It caused severe insomnia, and his anxiety skyrocketed. Since then, he mostly stays in bed, chain smokes cigarettes, and struggles to shower or be emotionally present for our children. He still eats well, but mentally and emotionally he seems so far away.
One of the hardest parts is hearing him constantly tell me that I deserve someone better — someone who can love me and the children the way we deserve. But I don’t want someone else. I want my husband back. I miss the man I fell in love with 15 years ago, and I cry almost every day grieving who he used to be.
I cannot rely much on his parents, especially my mother-in-law. Most of the time, all they do is remind me that he needs help without offering any actual support. I’ve started feeling resentment toward my mother-in-law and sometimes want to block her entirely, but I can’t because the home we live in belongs to his parents. Thankfully, we do not pay rent or a mortgage since the house is already paid off.
The only support I truly have comes from my best friend, my mom, my sisters, and my boss.
At this point, I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel emotionally exhausted, heartbroken, and overwhelmed trying to hold everything together for my husband, my children, and myself.
Any advice or guidance would truly mean so much.
Thank you.