r/depression_partners

Title: My wife seems to have completely lost her motivation and may be depressed. How can I support her?
My wife has always been an extremely passionate, hardworking, ambitious person. She’s always had a lot of drive and has been very career-oriented.
Over the last 2–3 years, though, she says she’s gradually felt more and more exhausted and burnt out. Recently she told me she feels like she’s been running on empty for a long time and really needs a break. I believe her, so I’ve tried not to pressure her.
She’s currently waiting for her new work permit, so she has been off work for the last 3–4 months. I thought the break might help her recover, but instead, she seems to be getting worse.
She spends 7–8 hours a day on Instagram, mostly just scrolling. She doesn’t seem interested in doing much else. Over the last 10 days especially, she has been very moody and sad, wants me around constantly, and frequently asks when I’ll be home from work. She says she feels lethargic and has no energy to do anything. Even basic things around the house have become difficult for her.
She tells me, “Just be with me. I feel cheerful when you’re around.” And I absolutely want to be there for her. I love her and I don't mind spending time with her. But I also work full-time, and I can only be physically and emotionally available for so many hours a day. I'm starting to worry that she is becoming dependent on my presence to feel okay, and I don't know how to support her without making her feel abandoned when I have to go to work or do my own things.
I’ve suggested things like working out, picking up a hobby, going to a cafe to work/read, getting out of the house, or even just changing her environment for a few hours. But she says she feels too tired and has no motivation.
She has also turned down some relatively easy side work because she says she just wants to chill. I completely understand that she may genuinely need rest, and I don’t want to push her back into a work mindset if she’s actually burned out. At the same time, I’m starting to wonder whether doing absolutely nothing all day is actually making things worse.
She has told me that she thinks she might be depressed, and thankfully she is open to talking to a therapist. She says she isn’t spiraling or constantly overthinking and doesn’t have any particular thoughts going through her head. She mostly just feels… empty, tired, and unmotivated.
I’ve been close to someone who was depressed before, and some of this feels very familiar. That’s making me worried.
I love her and I want to support her, but I’m struggling with where the line is between giving her the rest she needs and gently encouraging her to start doing things again.
I also find myself thinking, “She has so much potential, I want her to get back to being herself,” but I realize that might not be the most helpful mindset if she’s actually struggling with depression or burnout.
For anyone who has experienced depression, burnout, or supported a partner through it:
What actually helped?
Should I mostly leave her alone and let her recover on her own? Should I encourage therapy and professional help more strongly? Is gently getting her out of the house and into a routine helpful, or does that just feel like pressure when someone is depressed?
And how do you balance being there for your partner with maintaining your own life and responsibilities? I want to be there for her, but I also know I can only do so much, and I don't want our entire emotional support system to become dependent on me being physically present.
I really want to support her without accidentally making her feel like she’s failing because she isn't productive right now.

Little update to my last post open to advice

So my last post was a re upload because after I posted it I felt tons and tons of shame.

So after a while I ended up talking to him about chores again and how it was so important to me.

Everytime I talk to him about something that is important to me I feel like I'm having my own Ted talk!

He always closes his eyes or just looks at me while saying literally nothing. I'll get irritated and ask him what he's thinking about or why he isn't saying anything. He always saying something around the lines of "what do u want me to say?" "I don't have anything to say to that." Or "nothing your saying has a response"

So. He ended up coming home and doing laundry and taking out the trash (he did the dishes too once I left the house but I'll touch on that later). I ended up talking to him about the importance of chores while he closed his eyes or looked at TikTok having nothing to say.
I eventually told him that he needed to get help and that I'm worried for him and that putting a knife to his throat is cause of concern. That he needs therapy and to be medicated.
He tells me that Me having a chore board stresses him out and that he's not going to do it. That he doesn't need help and that he's "fine" because he's lived like this his entire life. That he rather live like this unmedicated than to be "delusional" or "in lala land" because living in this world is miserable regardless if he is medicated or not. He will know that this world is shit and that he figured that out a long time ago.

Anyway he gets irritated at me tellimg him he needs to get help and he tells me to get the fuck out again. So I slam his door and we bicker (and apparently I yelled first so that's why he was yelling, but talking to him makes me feel so confused that I don't even know at this point). He yells through the door that he wants me to break up with him so he can go kill himself.

So at this point im shaking like a small dog in a thunderstorm. I call his brothers dad and ask him if he's home because I had to get out of the house. So I slip out the door and start heading out of the drive way. Now he walks out and ask me where I am going. I ask him what does it matter so he slammed his hand on top of my car and said "alright" (I ended up telling him where I was going while I was driving down there. Also might I add I was so stressed I went without my glasses or anything. But also when I got home apparently It was my fault because he "wasted his day" checking my location).

When I get to his dad's house I tell him everything. His dad asks if he was molested and all sorts of things. I did answer honestly . I told him that I don't know what to do. We agreed we couldn't call cops because then he would just lie and say he doesn't want to kill himself. I talked about how I think he is emotionally manipulating me and that I'm tired of it and that I don't think he realizes that this shit is relationship ending stuff. After i was done crying and shaking I did go home.

His dad said that he was going to come over Thursday on our off days to talk to him privately about all of the stuff him and his mom went through. The abuse and molestation and mental health crisis's. And that it's okay to get help basically without outwardly saying it.

Now do I think it'll help him. No not really but I do hope so.

Well I got home and we talked about it. He said that I was weaponizing the things that he shares to me. Because I always bring it up the next day by saying he needs help and medication and change. That when he rants he basically wants me to never bring it up again. And also before bed he told me he doesn't trust in confiding in me anymore because of it.

Now I touched it in the last post, but I have borderline personality disorder. I believe he is taking advantage of my fear of abandonment.

Now last time I was in the crisis center because of this type of stuff. I shared something personal we did that he told me never toctell to anyone(plus the time he had a gun when I was asleep plotting to hurt himself and my friend told someone and they twisted it). Well I told my friends because this thing kind of gave me guilt and I'm a big oversharer. I started cutting myself out of guilt because he told me he didn't trust to talk to me or share private things with me.

So I was very triggered when he told me that.

I did end up seeing my therapist today and she does think he is gaslighting and emotionally manipulating me. There's not much I can do about this. And I can't just go to him and tell him he's being emotionally abusive! Lol! He makes me feel crazy. My therapist thinks I should record our conversations so I can listen back so I don't feel so blinded! I don't know man. Any advice?

Im in a dark place im ready to give up im struggling with depression and a miscarriage i don't know if I should even be hurting over the miscarriage I wasn't far along and im loosing myself my fiance is mad at me for not talking to him

I can’t let her go. She’s hurting me so much. I know i love her with my soul. But I can’t tell if I can’t let her go because I’m scared of being alone we’ve been together for so fucking long my first love I’m 20 my only love. I have no friends like actual friends, I’m new to the country and it’s all so hard, my mental health is the worst it’s ever been. I spent a year basically married to her living together spending every second together first vacation alone together got very shooing everyday together sleeping together everyday we are long distance now she hurts me she betrayed my trust we talked about it but she’s hurting I’m hurting she may me hurting too what do I do. I don’t want to leave if i haven’t fought hard enough. My ego is gone im letting her see pathetic me begging and crying, I hate that I hate this 4 years I know if it’s over this time it’s over for good.

Hi there! I don’t know what to do or feel right now, so I‘m seeking some insight from this wonderful sub. Maybe it‘ll help me make the right decision.  

A few weeks ago my partner got diagnosed with depression (and I think there could also be ADHD in the mix) after I uncovered relationship altering information which made him finally see that he has a problem. 

Our history is very long so I try to mention only the most important things. The first time we‘ve been together was 12 years ago and it ended with him cheating. After that we both had new partners, but he was never honest with me about the real nature of his relationship. He always downplayed it and said she was nobody special and that they were never really together. So when we started seeing each other again 8 years ago that was the truth I was being fed. At that time we were still not communicating well so at one point we went no contact for 3 months. At the beginning of 2019 we started seeing each other again and this time things felt different. I was putting less pressure on him and he was giving me a bit more access to his emotions. Which now I know was even below the bare minimum‘s basement. 

We were always good friends and I think that allowed us to even make it to 7 years of our relationship. 

A month ago I uncovered that over the last 7 years he had still intense contact with his ex girlfriend, even though I asked him every now and then if they’re still in touch. To which he always gaslit and lied to me that she sometimes asks him for technical support. Truth is, it gotten less over the years but the first 2 years of our relationship he had almost daily contact with her, they were still talking to each other with their pet names (he says they simply never stopped after separating), they were sending each other birthday cakes (she lived in Australia all this time and we live in Europe), the were FaceTiming or calling occasionally in these years, in the beginning he was helping her almost weekly with technical problems, they met twice while I was travelling, they were constantly sending each other pictures from their time together and last year, she was asking for a shared folder with all the pictures he took from their time together and he even asked her, if she also wanted to have the „spicy“ content to which she agreed. I’ve read a lot their chats and they we’re never suggesting but somehow still flirty or like in love teenagers. Naturally, he never told her that he has a girlfriend. 

I’m at a loss right now. He says it was only a friendship for him, that I’m the love of his live and that he basically has no self esteem. He always wants people to like him, he doesn’t experience any joy in his life and only adapts his „happy“ reaction according to other people‘s reactions. That he probably wanted to still have contact with her because she would always tell him how great he is when he helped her. 

I‘m really happy for him that he got help so quickly and now sees how much his childhood traumatised him and still affects his actions but I don’t know if I’m going to meet the new person he might be becoming. I still care for him a lot but I don’t know if the trust is broken beyond repair this time. We started couple‘s counselling 2 weeks ago, but so far we only had individual sessions and the next one will be in a month. I never imagined myself being confronted with the idea of a future without him but it doesn’t scare me anymore. Leaving would be so much easier than staying. He has always been supportive of me, always prioritised my needs (if you don’t count honesty and loyalty 🙃) to a point were I was even annoyed that he never had own ideas, initiatives or even made decisions himself. I know that deep down he‘s a very good guy. But I don’t know if I could overcome the infidelity again or if I’m even willing to. I just now realised how emotionally starved I was all these years to be with someone that had given up on life. And it definitely left its marks on me and my mental health. 

Has anyone made similar-ish experiences and has to offer some input/support? Is this kind of change even possible? Is it worth staying or better to pack my things and start new?  

My (41m) gf (31f) and I have been together for 5 years now. She's had depression for the entirety of our relationship, but something changed in her last year. She had a mental break that ended up with her being admitted to the psychiatric hospital, and she really hasn't been the same since then. Before, her depression was mostly pretty mild and manageable. But now she's in such a low state, that she's telling me she's willing to give up this relationship. She keeps telling me it's because I've changed and I'm not the same person I used to be. That may be partially true, because I've become less and less sympathetic and more numb to her depressive episodes, but she is a totally different person than she was before. She would never want to leave me, but now she just doesn't seem to care.

I just told her I loved her as she left for a therapy appointment a few minutes ago and she just replied with a "sure."

I'm at the point now where I just want to leave, but it's so hard to do. We've built such a nice life together, but I feel it slipping away every day.

My partner is depressed and I am the one dealing with it. He is not as involved in the house as I am, and I thought it was a direct consequence of me not working for the moment but he’s a teacher on summer break and his habits haven’t changed.

He doesn’t cook, eats ready-meals, leaves the plastic boxes outside for the next person to deal with. He doesn’t do the dishes EVER, even though he knows I hate it, sometimes he dries them as if he’s done a massive thing. He doesn’t do the laundry, except for him sometimes, I deal with everything shared. He doesn’t even throw away empty toilet rolls.
He doesn’t vacuum or wipe down surfaces. He leaves his dirty clothes on the floor CONSTANTLY. His clean clothes live in our shared areas. He has never taken the initiative of washing the bedding. I am growing very resentful about all of this. Also leaves the trash overflowing instead of taking it out which would literally take 30 mins. Also when he needs a plate to eat something, he just leaves it out for days. I said explicitly I wouldn’t wash his plates because he puts sauce often and it sticks to the cutlery. That yucks me out. I am so angry because he claims the house is dirty because of the both of us, and completely overlooks my efforts.

Any time I get him to do chores, he needs indication of everything. If I dare to say how tiring this is, I’m not understanding and I need to be more empathetic. I have given up on doing a lot because being all alone in sorting things is draining.

I’m 31F and he’s 30M. We met online in January 2026 and started getting close pretty quickly. We finally met in person in June 2026 and spent about three weeks together.

The connection in person was very real. We had strong physical attraction, got along well, and I felt very emotionally connected to him. He also introduced me to his mother and very close friends, which made the relationship feel much more serious to me. It wasn’t just an online relationship anymore.

The problem is that his life is currently very unstable.
He has been struggling financially and mentally. He is unemployed and dealing with depression/mental health issues, and I know he is going through a very difficult period in his life. He is trying to get himself back on his feet, but there doesn’t seem to be a clear timeline for when his situation will improve.

We’re also long-distance, and right now we don’t have a specific date for when we’ll see each other again. There is still obvious attraction between us, and I care about him a lot. But the uncertainty is starting to make me question whether I’m investing in something that may not be able to progress anytime soon.

The difficult part is that he is actually a good partner to me despite everything he is going through. He gives me emotional support, makes me feel loved, and I still find him very attractive. My concern isn’t that he treats me badly. It’s more that his own life is currently at rock bottom, and I don’t know how long he will be there.

I’m also 31, and I’m conscious that I don’t want to spend years waiting for someone to become ready for a life together.

So I’m struggling with where the line is.

For those who have been in relationships with a depressed partner, especially relationships that started while one person was at a very low point, did it eventually work out?

I’m particularly interested in stories where:
- One person was depressed or mentally struggling at the beginning
- They could also financially unstable or unemployed
- There was (at least initially) no clear timeline for when they would see each other again
- ultimately the depressed partner eventually became more stable
-and the relationship became a healthy, successful long-term relationship

I would especially love to hear from people who stayed together successfully.

What did the next 1-3 years look like? Did their mental health and circumstances eventually improve?

For those whose relationships didn’t work out, I’d also really appreciate hearing what happened. What warning signs did you miss? At what point did you realize that loving someone wasn’t enough to make the relationship sustainable?

If you were in my position, would you continue the relationship?

Thank u very much for reading.

Sometimes I wonder if I made the biggest mistake of my life by choosing the wrong partner. My parents always respected my choices and even though they don't really like him, they still accepted my decision because they want me to be happy. But I feel like I'm constantly carrying everything alone.

I'm trying my best to find a job for him, supporting him, encouraging him to take whatever work he can get while he searches for something better. But instead of appreciating the effort, he often remains unhappy. He cares, he loves me a lot but when his mood changes, it's like I don't even matter.

People don't get everything easily. Everyone is struggling in their own way and sometimes we have to be patient and grateful for whatever opportunity comes our way. I feel exhausted trying to make everything work. I just know that I'm tired. I'm trying my best to do everything I can but I'm also a human being. I need care, appreciation, support and someone who understands that I'm struggling too. I feel like I made the stupidest decision in my lifeeeeeee, gosh! I can't even leave him, everyone knows about us, I already had a bad past and we are legally married just social marriage is left. I'm already exhausted, God save me. Choose your partner wisely, guys! Don't be a stupid and an idiot like me.

Honestamente, público esto para contar mi historia y desahogarme, aunque también busco algo de consejo.

Hace unos meses, conocí a una chica a través de unos amigos, conectamos casi al primer momento, es guapa, adorable, graciosa, tranquila y tímida, sinceramente lo que busco en una chica, pero hay un problema muy grande, ella tiene depresión.

Por lo que se, ella fué víctima de bullying al igual que yo, y se mejor que nadie lo duro que puede llegar a ser una depresión, y ahora mismo mi única intención es ayudarla, pero ella no quiere, dice que ella quiere estar así, que no tiene ganas de salir de esa depresión, y la verdad que es una situación complicada.

Sus cambios de humor, sus ataques repentinos, insultos, bloqueos emocionales, días sin hablarme sin ningún motivo aparente, la sensación de que no tiene ganas de nada, las dobles señales, el rechazo ante mis regalos y muestras de cariño, el sentimiento de molestarle todo el rato aunque ella me diga otra cosa y la impotencia de saber que ella no quiere ayuda es algo que me hace mucho daño a mí, y llega un punto que no se que hacer.

Y ahí es donde entro en dilema, ¿Ayudarla a costa de mi bienestar? ¿Quedarme a su lado con el riesgo de no conseguir nada o acabar en una situación peor para mí? ¿Abandonarla como si nada hubiese pasado por mi egoísmo? ¿Bloquearla sin ni siquiera intentar ayudarla? Todas esas opciones suenan fatal en mi cabeza, porque se que de una forma o de otra, puedo acabar fatal, y aún así, mi forma de ser me dice que me deje la piel por ella, que me quede a su lado a pesar de todo el daño que me hace, porque al menos pienso que no lo hace queriendo y tengo la tonta esperanza de poder ayudarla a ser feliz algún día, incluso si eso significa quedarme atrás para que ella avance.

Es complicado querer a alguien que no está bien sentimentalmente, y me gustaría tener el consejo de alguien ajeno a la situación para ayudarme, ya que ahora mismo no sé cuál es la decisión que más me puede beneficiar, a mí y a ella.

Gracias por leer esto, persona desconocida.

My wife of 10 years is depressed, suffering burnout and anxiety, which has been going on for 7+ years. She is being treated, seeking therapy, we are seeking couples therapy and it is going nowhere. We just can’t seem to find a way to see each other, apparently it’s all my fault, my love isn’t enough.

This has been wearing me down for this time that I have started to lose myself, and thinking of taking her up on her threats to separate. But I am overcome with guilt.

Guilt that I am abandoning her in her time of need, guilt that I am breaking up our family to find myself again, guilt that I am not holding up to our marriage vows - till death do us part.

Has anyone else experienced this? How have you dealt with it?

Hello reddit!

I'm not really sure how to go about this, but I just can't get it off my mind.

My fiance(M22) and I (20) have been in a relationship nearly 5 years (since we were 15 and 17).

We now live together and have been living pretty happily since April.

Ever since I've met him he has had severe depression and suicidal ideation. Which has sent me into spirals trying to fix. I have BPD and have been diagnosed since I was 17. the behavior he presents triggers me bad, but im trying to be more apathetic as that's how he wants me to be, and I can't handle it anymore.

He will not get help, and actually refuses to go get insurance so it makes it almost impossible to convince him to go to therapy and get meds because of that.

Whenever I get him to talk to me he talks about how tiring it is to live for someone (me) and that he's tired of living and he can't do this anymore.

He has been saying this over and over for nearly 5 years. No change. I have begged him to get help, I have asked kindly, and I have threatened (which I know isn't good but I've been desperate).

He has had multiple instanses where he has sat with a g#n on his chin or a kn#fe to his throat. One of which I was IN THE SAME HOUSE AS HIM.

2 days or so ago I had gave him a list of chores (which he is very resistant towards.) He came home while I was at work and freaked out and said he had put a knife to his throat for about 30 minutes (after I pryed it out of him. I also relapsed on self harm that night ). Another time while I was spending the night, I had to of been 17 or so. I woke up in the middle of the night to him not in the bed with me. He was in the other room with a gun for hours. In the dark. At 3AM. I didn't see it but I had a feeling so I asked and he confirmed.

Like I said, I've talked to him multiple times and he refuses to get help (and if I report him I'm afraid he might just hurt himself when he got home or just disown me). He says he's "fine", but he's got a constant "put" in his stomach and just wants to die all the time.

When I get bad he doesn't help very well, it just gets dark and twisted. We sprial together, and I'm not going down with him or anyone for that matter. I have gone to a crisis unit twice over relationship anxiety and cutting all over myself.

He has been very resistant towards tending to the house chores. I can be very messy and nasty at times, that's something I'm trying to change. We had some family stay with us and all they did was clean. I realized that a clean house makes me feel a bit more sane .

Well we have argued alot over me wanting to clean and pick up nearly every day. He told me that he "isn't cleaning everyday" and that he likes to clean when it " looks like it needs it".

We made an agreement that we would clean on sun and Wednesdays, yesterday was one of the agreed apon days. I come home.. he is half asleep in his game room. I expected this. Since I didn't wsnt to have him melt down (which I melt down too sometimes no judgement) or call me a "nag". I didn't remind him because I had no energy to do so. I figured since he was home 4 hrs before me he would've cleaned some. I came in and asked him to bring the vacuum cleaner inside I just bought. He mumbled and turned over, so I brought it in. When I came in I told him that it was Sunday and that cleaning needed to happen because we had agreed. He asked me " are you serious?" With a disgusted face and told me to leave him "the fuck alone" so I slammed his door and questioned my reality. When he woke up he did say sorry but asked me why I expected him to clean after bkt sleeping all night and also how I expected him to remember the days because I'm the one who "wants to do all this shit"

He doesn't take care of himself . He doesn't brush his teeth unless I beg him to. He won't fold and put up his clothes (I've since started washing and folding my own and have seperated our clothes). He refuses to clean the bathroom properly because he has to "get on his knees and it hurts" because he's big and tall. His room is nasty. I mean all the forks in his room type. He has clothes all in his floor and cans and trash and milk jugs. It always has a different smell each time I go in there. He will not change his room or clean it. He won't even go buy a trash can for it, even though he has thousands saved up.

He also isolates himself. I constantly go into his room while he's playing video games and I have a hard time leaving him alone. Which is my bad. But I've been trying to get better at that and listenjng to boundaries he sets. But it bothers me when he says stuff like he doesn't like being around people and that I'm "people". I feel like it should be different because we are in a relationship. He's also told me multiple times he's not "built for a relationship"

We've also had arguments over how I'm being unfair like if I do the dishes he needs to scoop the litter box. EVEN SAID THAT WE SHOULD GET RID OF THE CATS IF THEY ARE "Abother chore in the board". Kid you not. Talking about how if I cook dinner I should clean the dishes because I used them. That he didn't even ask me to cook meals for him every night. I told him he asks me for noodles alot and he talked about how sometimes he just wants them in the microwave (which he never tells me. I make mjne with cheese and milk and spices) I called him ungrateful and he said he wasn't going to ask me for another thing again.
I Feel like he wants us to live like roomates and only do what we want selfishly. So im not cooking anymore or doing his laundry.

I know that when someone is depressed you might need to help them but 1. He doesn't ask for help 2. He refuses it. So I feel like if he wants to be treated as a normal functioning person then I shall do so. I'm tired. I've been trying to convince him to do something about it for nearly 5 years and he refuses. There's nothing I can do about it. I just needed to rant and I need advice badly. I have a therapist but it gets repetitive to repeat the same shit to her constantly

I finally ended things with my partner of 4 and a half years because of his depression. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, but I just couldn’t take it anymore and it’s been sucking the life out of me. He can’t set any achievable realistic goals, doesn’t hold up to his word, and will just close himself off when feeling depressed.

He builds up good habits but then ultimately falls down into the same pattern. I commend people who are able to have relationships with people like this and make it work, but I don’t have it in me anymore. I would love to experience a relationship with a mentally healthy person for once.

For those of you who have broken up, does it get better? Did your partner eventually get help and become a much better version of themselves or is it all just a temporary band aid until the next depressive wave comes?

I don’t know if I made the right decision but also didn’t want to hear someone threatening to off themselves after an argument we had.

What’s the hardest part about being in a relationship with someone who’s depressed?

And what’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned from the experience?

For context, we are long distance and his parents do not know about me yet. Because of this and his injuries, we cannot text or call as much as we used to.

He was in a really bad accident. It's a miracle he survived and every moment I'm grateful that he did. I've told him I love him and that I'm happy he's still here. And that I'll take care of myself so he can focus on recovery and doesn't have to worry about me. I am also diagnosed with MDD and I am starting my meds again this week, so as to do good on my promise that I will get help.

In all my past relationships, I'm usually the depressed partner. I don't know what to do apart from telling him I'm always here and that I love him. I made the mistake of telling him how I truly felt about his attempt (betrayed and hurt) a few days ago, and just today I made the mistake of mentioning something random about myself while he was talking about how he felt surviving his attempt. I made things worse by doubling down and telling him these were just lore drops and to "keep up." When having conversations about his attempt, I should remain serious even when he's being playful about it. But I forget. I always try to match his energy, but clearly there are times where I should be more mindful.

I think I am making his life worse. I don't think I'm doing a good job supporting him. I'm scared that he will attempt again. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but he says he doesn't feel it. I feel like a failure and it's selfish to be thinking about myself in a time like this.

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married 4 and we have a beautiful 2.5 year old son. My husband has always had bouts of depression, but since my son was born it's been much harder for me to navigate it.

After much nagging on my part my husband is on medication and does see a therapist every few weeks, but he is not really very engaged with it. He tells me some of the work the therapist has asked him to do then never does it.
As you all know being with a depressed partner is difficult, but I'll try to focus on the main issues.

1. My husband works only sporadically. He works for his father and this makes it easy for him to take huge chunks of time off without any
   consequences. This puts massive financial strain on me and our family. I pick up shifts where I can but I work retail and it's not a big money maker. I tell myself to remember he is unwell and that is why he is off from work a lot, but it feels so unfair that I work so hard and he just lays in bed sleeping. All the bills are in my name. He is supposed to give me £900 per month. He owes me £500 from precious months and does not consistently pay what he should, and rarely on time. I also pay for all the food, household expenses, our sons expenses. We are not financially stable and £500 has had a big impact on me. He has always been reliant on me to organise bills and money but with a child involved it is much more difficult for me to manage. As well as financial responsibilities, I do the the vast majority of the house work and overseeing my child’s care.

2. We have not had sex in over a year. I fantasise about being with someone who wants me. Not a person in particular, but just anyone who desires me. I have no intention of being unfaithful. I just want so badly to be liked and loved. He spends very little time one on one with me and spends every evening from when our son goes to bed til he goes to bed playing Xbox. He rarely showers and has poor hygiene.

3. He will not have discussions about money, our relationship, parenting, anything serious without shutting down. He literally says nothing or gets defensive. It doesn't matter how kindly I try to approach it. Every few months he'll make a big declaration of love and how he'll change then it's right back to normal.

4. He is an engaged parent when he is with our son, and they have a wonderful relationship. But he is easily overwhelmed and constantly gives in to tantrums. Sometimes when I get a chance to go have dinner with some friends, or when I come home from work, I have to hear a 30 minute rant about how difficult our son has been. It is draining.
   If I'm honest, if it was just the two of us I think I would have given up. But I don't want my son to lose his family. My husband adores our son and I don't want to break that up.

I am trying to focus on myself. Ive been working hard to get healthy, exploring my own interests when I have time. What else can I do to help power through this difficult point in our marriage? How can I support him to get better? How do you guys cope when it's like this? I'd love to hear any tips or reflections on what I've said. I have lurked on this sub for a while and you guys are awesome.

My bf (25) and I (21F) have been together since January 2023. We’re both Christian but he is going thru a lot in his life. He has worked so hard to make it somewhere in life, for over 6yrs. He got a job after a year of searching after getting his masters in cyber. He studied so hard all of his life even before college and grad school. Worked hard on certifications, applied to hundreds of jobs, and he’s given up having a life to dedicate himself even more to getting a job. His current job doesn’t pay much he says and it is not in his field at all, the field he worked so hard to make it in. He sees everyone surpassing him when they haven’t even worked as hard as he has. It’s too late for him to join the military he says, that’s not an option for certain reasons now. His home life is terrible. He lives with his parents because he couldn’t afford to live on his own given how bad the economy is, so his parents have lots of issues. They fight so bad, fight with him and give him issues everyday, the whole environment is so stressful and toxic for him. I feel so sorry for him and there is nothing I can do to help. I can’t move out i don’t have a job yet, I just finished college so we can’t ever move in together till years from now because we also want to be financially stable. He can’t afford to take me out much right now till he gets a better job, can’t afford a car, it’s so much and everything in his life is a mess.

All of this just makes me so stressed and depressed even though I’m not going thru it. It still affects me, it makes me feel sad and hopeless for him. I can’t do anything to help except be his gf and do what I can do best by being his gf. I can’t solve the problems in his household, I can’t get him a good cyber/tech job, I can’t do any of that. He has no friends, he’s lonely except for having me, he takes care of his parents and does everything for them despite them treating him poorly and arguing with him. He has dealt with this all of his life and it gets worse and worse everyday for him.

He doesn’t want to vent to me but I want him to because I want him to feel he has a safe space to talk to me and express his concerns and thoughts. I want a safe place in him so I want to give that back to him because I love him. I don’t ever doubt his love also, he hasn’t given me reason to question it and I love him so much. What we have is so good. It’s just that all of this brings me down so much. He’s told me multiple times he is depressed and that if I wasn’t here he would’ve been gone a while ago because he has nothing to live for but me.

When he starts venting about these things I feel so down, i’ll be having a good day and feeling happy then he tells me how depressed he is feeling and it brings me down so much. I feel weird talking about myself sometimes or my own problems despite him telling me I can always vent to him. I just feel weird because what if he thinks I’m silly for getting upset or sad about something when he deals with way more. My family life is different and not difficult so I don’t go thru anything he does. I try my best to understand what he goes thru, I always try to consider his life when I say certain things but man is it hard sometimes or what.

There are some mornings I wake up with a heavy heart for him and I can’t get out of bed, or it’s just hard to be truly happy. I see other couples who are happy and I’m like how does that feel, they must not deal with depression. I feel like sometimes I never felt depression till I started dating him. I love him to death I will never let him go, but it brings me down so bad.

I feel so mentally drained sometimes and I don’t know what to say when he tells me something about his life about the depression/bad circumstances. I end up giving him the same solution and it does nothing, he just says he understands and that’s it. I tried to come up with other solutions for his job issues, they won’t work, it’s so hopeless and depressing for me man. If he can get a better job, things will be better overall because we can’t change his parents till we move on together in the future. I just need him to get over this hump in his life, because every week I feel exhausted to some degree and I can never ever let him know that. It will kill him to know he puts me thru that and makes me feel this way, and it would be selfish of me also to take the ability to vent away from me.

My (28f) husband (32m) have been together for 5 years and married for one. Ive always been the breadwinner and the last 4 years ive been supporting us entirely. It's okay, I dont mind it bc he helps a lot around the house. We recently moved to a new state because of my job, he has minimal family here and I have none. So we dont really know anyone. Before he used to have sever depression, every day he would just walk arpund with a cloud over his head. He came off his adhd meds and it was like i had my husband back. Moving away from all the family drama, new house, new start, not on meds, i thought it would be great. He hasnt had a solid job in 4 years, before he did photos so his income was on and off. Since we moved he sold his camera amd hasnt found a job. He gets these waves of severe depression about where he is at in life and some home sickness. Before ive pushed for therapy, even went as far as finding clinics because i thought maybe he just needed that boost, but it didnt work and I was starting to lose myself. So I withdrew. He mentioned maybe doing a trade school. I said he just needs to make sure it's something he wants to do (he dropped from programming boot camp prior and got a real estate license before. The real estate didnt work out well​). Because, in my defense, I dont want to fork out money on something that's going to be wasted. He replied with he doesnt know what he wants. So I suggest therapy again. Like usual, he said he promised hed look and he didnt. This came up again today. Now it's left me frustrated. When he isnt feeling like this, everything is amazing. He makes me happy and I love him dearly. But, as terrible as this sounds, when he brings up that subject of he doesnt know what he wants and he doesnt like where he is at, it makes me really mad. To the point where it makes me contemplate on leaving him. I just dont know what to do. On one hand im kind of tired of hearing it for the past 4 years. I dont see him trying to fix it. On the other, I still love him dearly at the end of the day. I dont know what to do :( I want to build a life with him, have kids and be happy. But my patience is starting to dwindle

We are a mid-late 20s couple. We’ve been together for over 2.5 years, my partner has been depressed for over a year. A lot of it is driven by external stressors (precarious employment, money struggles, etc) and low self-worth.

We haven’t been spending as much time together as we used to (we don’t live together). Yesterday, we spoke about it and he said something along the lines of “I do want to spend time with you, but it just doesn’t make me feel better. I’m miserable and I still feel miserable around you.” When I asked him to elaborate he said that being around me doesn't make him any less anxious or help distract him from what is going on in his life.

I’m struggling to make sense of what he said. I’ve had depression before (diagnosed with PDD and struggled for over 10 years) so I get it. When I was depressed, spending time with loved ones was something that would usually make me feel a little better. I don’t know if he just experiences depression differently, but I’m struggling to not take what he said personally. In my mind, a romantic relationship should lift you up and make life a little easier. If he doesn’t feel happy around me, if my presence doesn’t soothe him at least for a little while, then why are we even together?

I think it also just kind of blows to hear someone say that they‘re miserable around you. This is on top of other things he has said that made me feel hurt (for example, a few weeks ago he said he finds it hard to picture a future together because he doesn’t see a future for himself). I feel like these things just add up.

I’m open to hearing perspectives from other people. Am I making this mean something it doesn’t? Where do I go from here?

I was married to a depressed man for almost 20 years. I did all of things you don’t want to do : I thought I could fix him, I waited for him to get change. I ended up resentful and unhappy myself, left and found a new relationship. That man was depressed also. I didn’t leave him for the depression; I tried to be supportive but eventually it affected the relationship and I moved on even though I still love him. Now I am dating another man and four months in, he is confessing a spiral of depression. What is wrong with me that I am attracting this?