r/depression_partners

I don't know where to start. This might be a long post sorry I advance and thanks for reading. My mind is so scattered I don't know what to do anymore.

My mentally unstable brother started a huge drama in my family, he announced he is jobless and about to be homeless and asked for help. But because he is unstable he has been threatening to kill himself, he ended up two times in psych ward, it has been incredibly hard to deal with this situation especially because he mostly only contacts with me and I'm trying to help him out and I live too far from him and my family. I've been loosing my shit. I had one mental breakdown where I just screamed and threw things around - and that was when he wrote a suicidal letter and did not answer his phone afterwards. So naturally I lost it. Then had panic attack.

The worst part is my husband in this situation. Yes I understand nobody wants to see their wife loosing her shit and screaming, but given the circumstances isn't it understandable? I have since calmed down and started my first therapy. I told my husband that I'm sorry but that he needs to understand what am I going through. He expressed himself that he does not want to be part of it that it will ruin our marriage. So I tried not talking much about it but it's a constant worry on my mind. Then a week later I tried to call my brother and he didn't answer. The panic was back I imagined milion scenarios in my head. When I said this to my husband he got angry why am I trying to call him I know how it will end up blabla. But I cannot control I am terrified for him. So my husband just left. Didn't want to deal with my emotions.

The next day I sat him down to explain that all I ask from him is to listen, hold me, give me a hug when I have a breakdown... I MEAN THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM! I am giving you tutorial of how to handle me. The conversation didn't even end, he got enough of it, changed the subject and asked me to give him his money (we just sold a business and I had all the money). So I told him that what I am asking is non negotiable that I cannot fake my emotions just so he feels comfortable, that I am allowed to have a breakdown in my space if I needed to, and if he cannot support me during my hard times I wont be around for the fun times only. That is called a roommate, a lover maybe but not a life partner.

I am going to my home country in a week or so, so he won't be seeing my drama

I will be away for couple of months. But I really think this is the end. Watching the person I thought it was my soulmate for 11 years having absolutely no compassion for me it's breaking my heart, it's so heavy I think my heart will burst..

So​ now he added one more problem for me to worry about. I am absolutely shattered.

I don't even know what is the question here. What do I do? I tried explaining I tried communicating I tried everything. Begging someone to simply hold you during these times... I deserve more. I overheard him saying that I was Hysterical. I sound like a crazy woman in his story. And this is coming from a guy who gets angry and shouts when he cannot unlock the door.

I can easily leave him. I am independent financially, we have no kids no mortgage. Only few animals but I'm keeping my dog, and he knows it.

Just in the middle of dealing with all this shit I cannot think about divorce now. So I tols him we will figure it out in couple of months when I'm back.

I just need to vent. My partner of 10+years has been depressed for several years now. We have a 3yo. I'm drained. It is so freaking hard. I feel guilty thinking this way, but it is.

Today I thought it would be a nice day, and instead he has another awful day, but today I'm struggling to keep my sh*t together. I know it's not his fault and I love him deeply, still I'm drowning.

I have a male friend that I love deeply, but I feel like he’s spiraling and I don’t know what to do anymore. He works out constantly, and I strongly suspect he may be using steroids because he’s gotten much bigger in a short amount of time. On top of that, he parties and drinks a lot , and I fucking hate it. He’s been so angry, agitated, and aggressive, and that’s not who he used to be. He was always gentle, kind, and easygoing. He’s been through a lot in life and has lost so many people. He has bipolar disorder, but he barely takes his medication, which makes everything feel even harder. The truth is, he doesn’t really have anyone else besides me. I’ve been in his life for years, and I can’t imagine losing him. But at the same time, he treats me badly. I’m the one helping him when he’s hungover, sick, raging, or falling apart. He insults me, yells at me, and has even pushed me down before and hurt me. He always apologizes after, sometimes crying, begging me not to leave him alone. We’ve both experienced a lot of loss, so I understand pain and trauma. That’s part of why it’s so hard for me to walk away. Even when he hurts me, I still want to help him. But I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I feel stuck between protecting myself and being terrified of what could happen if I leave or cut him off.

My girlfriend keeps having these episodes and i don’t know what to do anymore. I lost two people in one year last year and it has destroyed me so much, i can’t afford to lose her. My girlfriend has helped me so much in ways she doesn’t know. Whenever we argue, she feels bad and apologizes over and over even if it wasn’t her fault. She takes care of me and loves me unconditionally. I’ve never been in a relationship where someone cares for me and treats me the way she does. I try to be there for her as much as i can and i keep trying to get her help, she says she doesn’t know where to start and her main concern is getting sent away. She tries to be strong for me but she says it’s just getting worse and she wants to be honest with me. Last night, she said she had things to do and she wouldn’t tell me until i got really upset about it because i know shes trying to do something stupid, which she was. She was writing letters for loved ones just “incase” something happens. What if that “incase” is tonight, tomorrow, the next day, this week, next week? I go to sleep almost every night hoping she doesn’t do anything stupid to herself. I don’t know how much more i can handle because she’s been like this for awhile. She says i should leave because it isn’t fair for me to have to have a sad girlfriend, but i honestly do not want to break up with her because i believe she’s going to get better and she’s going to get over it and if the roles were switched she would help me and be there for me as much as she could. I want to text her mom and tell her, but she’s going to be upset if i do that because she doesn’t want her mom to worry about her. I’m running out of options and i will be honest, this is exhausting and even a lot for me. I promised that her mental health isn’t ever going to be much for me because you’re supposed to stick with your partner during their up and downs, but i really don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice?

I'm 43, my fiancé is 39(F), been together 2.5 years, engaged 6 months. We currently live apart but was hoping to fix that next year. About 3 months ago, I felt a change in her. Maybe, a bit distant? Nothing huge at first, but I felt it. About 3 weeks ago, I brought it up and everything fell apart. It was like a switch flicked and she became a different person. "Distance was taking its toll", "don't see a future for us", "this won't work out". And not even a, "let's sort this out". Just, "I think this might be over". I've been giving her some space since then, we've still seen each other a bit, but more focusing on just reconnecting while she's working through how she feels. But in that time it's become more apparent she's not happy in ANY aspect of her life, not just us. She feels disconnected from everyone and her feelings. I'm worried she may be suffering through depression. She also has undiagnosed ADHD, but she's in the process of getting diagnosed (takes a bit in Australia) and then looking at medication. If that doesn't help, her doctor would like to explore depression and anxiety.

I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to be supportive. Giving her space, time and not much pressure as she works through this. I've told her I don't need a solution from her, just her willingness to try and work through all this together, as long as it takes. Which, she hasn't committed to yet. I'm worried whatever she's going through is mental health related and our relationship may become collateral damage as she works through her issues. But also, this is hard on me. My heart feels heavy and tired as I carry this relationship seemingly on my own.

Does anyone have experience working through mental health issues with their partner while their partner seems hell bent on detaching emotionally and sabotaging the relationship?

TL;DR: Partner going through mental health issues, sabotaging relationship. I'm struggling.

I’m 26 and he’s 35. We’re still in the early stages of our relationship. Sometimes when we’re together he seems okay, but once we both go home, I see him posting on Twitter or Instagram about his mental illness and how he wants to end his life.
And this gives me really intense anxiety. I know—I’ve learned that I can’t make someone else better or “fix” them. At the same time, I thought this part of me, this idea that it’s my mission to save everyone, was over—that I had healed from it.
But today I saw again that he said something about ending his life, or just that he wants to die, like passive suicidal ideation, and I got really anxious. I was at a party and it basically ruined the whole night for me.
I don’t know what to do. If anyone sees this and has been in a similar situation, please help me.

My husband stopped taking his meds for anxiety and depression late last year, and everything started going to shit. He has a very stressful job so he’s just been white knuckling his mental health and self-medicating with drugs. We haven’t had sex in several months, I don’t even remember the last time. He hasn’t been affectionate, he hasn’t wanted to interact with me. He had a depressive episode several years ago, but we made it through because that’s when he started taking medication.

This morning he told me he wanted a divorce. I am devastated a little bit and relieved a little bit and hopeful a little bit. I never in 1 million years thought that we would ever break up. But he’s not the person that he used to be, and I prayed to anybody who would listen to bring my husband back to me, and it appears that the answer is no. But in my experience every time that the answer has been no to something I wanted it was because what was coming was beyond what I could want. It was for my highest good.

I don’t understand why he is so willing to accept this life and make these choices, but it’s not mine to carry anymore. I feel like I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop for almost a year. I’m ready for whatever’s next, with lots of lessons learned.

I left a 9-year abusive relationship before meeting my boyfriend. I have a young daughter, and one of the reasons I’ve stayed is because he truly treats her like his own, which means a lot to me.
The problem is that for the past three years, he’s been emotionally, physically, and sexually unavailable. We live together, but I feel completely alone.
I work full-time, go to college full-time, and take care of my daughter. Lately I’ve struggled to keep up with housework because I’m exhausted. My boyfriend expects me to do the cooking and cleaning because, in his words, “you’re the woman.” I used to enjoy doing those things for him, but over time they became expectations instead of acts of love. If dinner isn’t made or the house isn’t clean because I’ve had a long day, he gets upset.
I’ve asked him to go to counseling or even church with me, but he refuses. He says, “This is just how I am,” and that he isn’t going to change. He rarely communicates with me unless it’s about chores, cooking, or the weather.
He has also told me he doesn’t know if he ever wants to get married again or have more children because of what happened in his previous marriage. He told me I have to “earn” those things from him, but I feel like I’ve spent three years trying.
I’m mentally and physically drained. I don’t feel loved, appreciated, or emotionally connected anymore. I don’t have family to lean on, and because the house is his, my daughter and I would have to leave if the relationship ended.
Am I expecting too much from this relationship, or is he showing me that this is all he’s willing to give? How do you know when it’s time to accept that someone isn’t going to change? I keep trying

So did you share with your partner that you're going for therapy?

My spouse is so deep within his depression more and more often that it's really taking a bit toil on my own mental health as I carry the load, mentally and physically. We both work from home (I tend to have to go out tho whilst his is wholly remote) and he almost sees that as a wee break for me... It's not though as we have a toddler who I care for whilst I work. I have to manage the laundry, the cooking, cleaning, the dogs and child all whilst I work (thankfully my work affords flexibility but I still am doing it all) but In his mind he has it much worse than me as he doesn't like his job (he's chronically unhappy In ANY job)

Anyway I've tried to encourage him to get therapy, to go to GP and he refuses, says noone cares, even me. His political views are Gtg more and more far right, he's angry at the world and to be honest I'm starting to see separation as the only way forward for me... But today I contacted a therapist to get some support for myself. My query is... Did you share with your depressed partner that you're going for therapy?... At this stage I can do it without him knowing really and I feel like I need this for me without having to share it with him. He'll probably take it very personally... Thoughts

I’m pregnant, with twins! We own our home, our bills are paid, we do things for fun and have pets we love dearly. He’s never happy.

On paper everything is so perfect and great but he will always find something to complain about. He feels inadequate at work, he hasn’t gotten a promotion he’s been wanting and he feels “lost” but mind you, he’s in a better position he was last year and the year before that. It always works out and he always end up doing great. It’s not enough for him. Between his work and his past traumas, he carries this dark cloud over us.

He’s on ssris, but they need to be raised and he literally had a panic attack so bad he was referred to a heart doc because they thought he was having a stroke. He wasn’t, he just stresses out so much he’s fucking up his blood pressure.

I’ve begged him to see a psychiatrist or a therapist. He keeps “forgetting to” call them.

I have my issues, I always have. Anxiety and depression but he’s unbearable! The sun is shining, our lives are great and he’s never happy. I can give him the stars in the sky and he’ll still not be happy or satisfied. I feel like shit thinking all this but I’m so tired. I shouldn’t be pregnant and also worried about my husband and his moods.

I mean I’ve literally given him everything any man would beg for. Blood, sweat, tears, and I’m just wondering when will it be enough. Will it ever be enough.

Was diagnosed today with a bad case of plantar fasciitis in my right foot. I’m in crazy pain and my back hurts even more than my foot. I can’t take otc pain meds so I just push through when I can. Most days I’m in tears.

Anyways, came home from the doc appointment wearing a boot with instructions to stay off my feet as much as possible. Told my very depressed & anxiety ridden partner and he just froze. He spiraled down and went off on himself, verbally abusing himself and he stormed away to the basement and that’s where he stayed all night. Totally avoiding me.

As he stormed away, he was saying he “can’t fix everything”. He took my diagnosis personally, as if it’s HIS fault. I’m at a loss. I NEED help, support and comforting. I get NOTHING. He left to walk to the convenience store & he treated himself to something good. Nothing for me to make me feel better about my miserable existence.

Went to bed early, he took it personally that I “don’t want to be around him”. No, I need to rest, doctors orders. I’m stuck taking care of the house, shopping, cats, and more (I work part time, not on purpose).

I hate this to the nth degree. I know already my struggles will fall on blind eyes and deaf ears.

сould really use a virtual hug or some nice words right now...

i'm turning 23 and i can't stop crying writing this. my life is complete shit, especially my romantic life. this is a first relationship both for me and partner. we have been together for almost two years now, and honestly i only felt truly loved during the first 5 months or so. everything after that has been pure fucking hell because their mental health started deteriorating for no reason. we’re in a long-distance relationship, but i visit them every chance i get. the last time was six months ago. they stonewalled me for most of the time i was there, simply because they had no strength to talk. we both cried that time. then spring came and they just stopped texting me completely. even when I told them that my dermatologist suspected I had melanoma (i guess it was too much for their mental health so they kinda just blocked all thoughts about me completely). they ignored me for 4 months, then wrote asking for help with their academic assignment (i offered it previously). i helped them and then asked why they continued to ignore me even during the whole suspected melanoma situation. they didn't answer and ignored me for another month. they’ve been trying to push me away in all sorts of ways. i feel like they see themselves as a burden and think i’d be better off without them.

yesterday we finally talked a little and they told me they’re in deep depression and suicidal. i texted them two months ago telling them to go to a psychiatrist, but they’re only going now — they’ve always been slow about actually doing and changing something. feels like shit.

i feel like my youth is slipping through my fingers. i want to love and be loved. i want to kiss, go on dates, have sex. i feel so stupid and ashamed writing this, but in two years of relationship we’ve had sex only once and i didn’t even finish that one single time. and now they’re starting antidepressants... i feel so unloved and unwanted. i feel like we’ve been married for 40 years already and i’ve long since bored them. i try to push these thoughts away because it feels so selfish to think about this kind of stuff while your partner is so depressed. but i have diagnosed bpd, autism and depression too, and it’s not easy for me either. still, i always support them no matter what, and i just want to let myself be weak for one second.

people will say “just break up with them,” but that’s not fair. aren’t we supposed to stay with the people we love “in sickness and in health”? if i were in their place, i wouldn’t want to be thrown away like a broken toy. i try to treat them the way i would want to be treated. i love them, deeply, i loved people before, but never as much as much i love them. they're very special. i don’t want to break up. i want to help them get through this. i want a future with them. but at the same time i’m so scared that things will only get worse and i’ll waste my entire youth crying

I '24M' have been growing tired of my partner '26F', she has a lot of mental illnesses that she has to fight daily, but probably the one that most affects our relationship is depression. For starters, I love her, like I actually do, but at least once a day when we talk, she always talks about how bad her day was or how insecure is she about something. Its has gone to the point where I feel bad because when she talks, sometimes I just cant get myself to hear all the problems, and I hate that, because, I dislike being unresponsive or neglectful of others feelings. And also, the sadness, the problems and all, they bring me down, there was a period where I quite literally avoided being with her because I know that when I went hang out with her I was going to be bombarded with problems and sad stuff, like how she isn't capable of doing X or Y or how her health has deteriorated.

She is medicated and has a weekly psychologist, and we have tried talking about the problem, which has had mildly good results, now days tho she constantly asks herself (and to me eventually) if it is okay to vent to me because she fears it will bring the mood down. And well, her illnesses and problem don't just disappear so, we still talk like once a day about her fear and how she is not capable of maintaining a job or stuff.

I have tried to tell her and incentivize her to trust more friends or have new hobbies, but it feels that she is not in the point of making those new thing a new life support for her. I tried breaking up some months ago but it just resulted on us talking about problems and making compromises to fix them. And honestly I don't know what to do next. We talk about or problems and feelings, but it feels that it never reaches the conclusion that I expect. I know she is happy on the relation, but im tired. I love her and want her to be happy and good, but I dont know hot to face the situation.

I know I cant fix her, she knows that also and I feel we have tried a lot. I have to say though, I have never said this in such a blunt way to her, I do not know why but it makes me afraid. Anyways. Any advice? Someone has struggled with a depressed partner? Im tired and exhausted and need to vent. thanks for reading.

TLDR. Depressed girlfriend and I don't know how to maintain the relationship afloat.

My husband has told me several times now that he’s not suicidal but if he dies tomorrow he does not care… I have no idea how to respond. This is usually preceded by an argument or God forbid me being even the slightest bit critical. I walk on eggshells and bottle everything in around him but sometimes I reach my breaking point. He has had a number of really bad career setbacks the past few years and is plagued by depression and anxiety. We have three kids. I have no one to talk to about this and it is eating me alive.

Hi, I’m 35M and my partner (36F) of 10 years struggles badly with depression and anxiety caused by some pretty serious abuse as a child, and has now reached a point where she has decided she wants to end her life.

This is something she has suffered with for a very long time, but it has never been as bad as it is now. There was childhood abuse which has caused PTSD, which I only became aware of in the last 2–3 years. She doesn’t leave the house anymore and has completely severed all contact with her friends and family, leaving me as the only person she sees or speaks to each day. She’s recently started experiencing some chronic health issues because of her constant stress, which has really pushed her over the edge. I’ve listened to her talking about it and her reasoning for wanting to do it, but I just cannot accept it.

Every time I tell her how I feel, I try to be sensitive to her feelings and not make her feel like I’m making this about me, but I often end up losing my cool and making her feel like I’m being selfish. I find it so hard when she talks about herself in the past tense and says that nothing in her life has been worth it. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I get so upset that she thinks our 10+ years together hasn’t meant anything — and that I’ll just move on like nothing happened when she’s gone.

I’ve taken her to the doctors and got her anti-depressants, but she refuses to take them because of their potential side effects and because she doesn’t want to mask her issues with medication. I do understand that, but I’ve tried explaining that the medication is there to help her get back on an even keel so she can work on the underlying problems. She doesn’t want to know. She is fixated on dying and is now actively making plans — writing letters to loved ones and arranging what she wants done afterwards.

I’ve contacted my local mental health crisis team and they’ve been next to no use, because she isn’t at immediate risk — she keeps telling me she’ll do it on her own terms when she’s ready, and that it won’t be any time soon but I’m really not sure I can take her word for that.

Apologies if this sounds like rambling — it’s currently 3am and my adrenaline is through the roof after another conversation where she essentially tried to convince me that suicide is the right option. Obviously I will never accept that, but I do understand the feeling of hopelessness where nothing seems like it will ever get better. Maybe because I’ve never reached that point myself, it’s harder for me to fully understand.

My emotions are all over the place. I already see a therapist, which has been a great help — he keeps reminding me that whatever decision she makes is hers, not mine. But I can’t shake the feeling that if she does follow through, the overwhelming emotion I’ll be left with is guilt that I didn’t do enough. Right now I feel sad, scared, dejected, and even angry. My dad is also currently dying of terminal cancer, so there’s a hell of a lot on my plate — which does, unfairly, make me feel angry at her for adding to it. I feel terrible that I can’t make any of this better, and that part of me just wants to get as far away from it as possible.

She struggles a lot with her self-image and I think there may be some body dysmorphia at play. She often says there’s nothing stopping me from leaving her. Honestly? I’m reaching a point where I do want to leave — not because of how she looks, but because of the constant negativity and all of her frustrations get taken out on me because I’m now the only person she hasn’t pushed out of her life.

I don’t mean to sound shitty, but part of me wishes she hadn’t told me any of this, because I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.
I know this reads like a bit of a whinge, which really isn’t my intention but thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far.

Has anyone else ever been through something like this and hopefully come out the other side? Any advice, experience, or input would be genuinely appreciated.

I am a 32 year old married woman. I've been married to my husband for 6.5 years and we've been together for 14 years. He has been diagnosed with atypical depression and is on strong medication. He finally saw a psychiatrist and psychologist after 5 years of me begging him to. This is when he was diagnosed and prescribed medication. However, he has refused/made zero effort to continue under a psychiatrist. He doesn't exercise and eats incredibly unhealthy although he keeps telling me he wants to change and live a healthier life. He goes in circles where we have good weeks but then he goes down hard where he will stay in bed all weekend and sometimes work days too. When he does this, he falls behind on his work and spends his days trying to catch up on work. We don't spend much quality time together. He doesn't help much at home. As I work 6 days a week, ive hired a cleaner and a guy to do our lawns. Most other chores fall on me to do. Ive tried to be understanding. Ive told him many times that I can't go on Iike this. He promises to change and get help. I've done my best to support him in every possible way I can, but its taken a toll on me. He is such a difficult and stubborn man to be with. When he is good, he is great - he is kind, caring and more helpful. I remember why I love him. But I don't want this to be my life. I keep hoping things will get better. I really want to have a family. He told me he wanted to take all these vitamins to improve his sperm quality. He spent so much money buying all these expensive supplements - this was 2 months ago. And he still hasn't started taking them. I really want to have my own family. I am worried that my husband will never get his life in order. He knows how much this means to me. I feel so unloved and unwanted. I want to move on with my life. I want to feel desired and to have a genuine connection with someone. Is it wrong to wish these things? Sometimes I feel guilty that I think about my husband leaving my life and how much easier it would be. He has been in bed all weekend and right now, I hate him for it. He did this last weekend too. He sometimes spends so much time in bed that the sheets smell. So then I sleep in the spare room. This isn't normal. Sometimes I fantasise about me leaving and moving to the otherside of the world or me simply not being here anymore. Has anyone been in this situation? Does it get better? Can it get better? I understand having a mental illness isn't anyone's fault, but it doesn't change the fact that it's incredibly hard for the spouses subjected to it. I feel stuck and I wish it all could just end.

Yet, here i am, married to a profoundly depressed, anxious man. We do not have sex anymore, and I don't have the heart to be honest about why: we joke that the kids are cock-blocking our intimacy, but the truth is, I am completely repulsed by debbie downers. And I do love him. I am here, filling in the monstrous gaps in parenting, housework, and family life that are created when one partner is always tapped out with mental illness. And ny "gaps" I mean "everything". I genuinely do everything, plus I am a full-time professional. I work from home so there is opportunity and implication that I do more anyway. He is in construction.

I am a happy, joyful, silly person. I am always singing, joking around, and genuinely love the day to day. From the moment my husband walks in the door after work, it's like a blanket of sadness is thrown on the house. When he's not telling me about his Worst Day Ever (it's everyday), he's complaining about shit that hasn't happened yet, or ruminating over the unfairness of whatever it is he's feeling sorry for himself about. He is negative. He is self-loathing. He sleeps almost constantly when not working. He gets next to nothing done. He does not contribute to the household work. He does not participate in the kids' active daily lives. He sleeps.

He wants sex, and he sometimes makes little comments to make me feel bad about it. When it rises to anger or frustration, he reminds me that it would make him feel better, to the point that he's actually said the lack of sex is one of the main reasons for his depression and anxiety. But he's been this way since he was 9. I am not to blame. For years I dutifully had sex with him, even when I didn't want to, for him. But a few weeks ago the burden lifted: i realized i am not "low on hormones" or "lacking a sex drive". I am just repulsed by the cloud of darkness, despair, and anger that follows him everywhere.

The last thing I can consider is laying the truth on him. For what? To push him over the edge? To give him more reasons to hate himself? He is trying: he is getting CBT and starts EMDR after that. He's on a cocktail of meds. When we can, we pay for ketamine, which helps him temporarily drudge theough life. The sleeping is what grosses me out the most. I am always doing 65 things, as i have adhd and autism. I hyperfixate and have many hobbies. He does nothing, wants to do nothing. So he sleeps through life in the La Z Boy chair with his mouth hanging open while me and the kids live full, happy lives. I feel like a single mom almost constantly, except for the cloud of swirling darkness that hangs over the corner of the TV room where he is snoring every moment that he's not at work.

My (22M) girlfriend (22F) suffers from trauma and depression. This has caused her to lead a really unhealthy life; she suffers insomnia, has really intense periods, she frequently peels her skin in anxiety and she does not eat much at all.

I think I have become her only source of comfort since we started our relationship. However, it is not sustainable for me. She sleeps really late while i sleep early as i naturally need more time to sleep. But, she frequently feels depressed and i often have to call her for a long time, sometimes till 2 or 3am. If i try to end the call, she'll get upset and ask me to stay, and ask me why i have to go.

I know she is not acting this way intentionally. I am okay with staying up late to support her once in a while. But, this happens very often and it just affects the my life. I need to study, i need to work and i need time for myself. If i try to explain this and set limits, she would say that she would make the sacrifice for me if i was ever in the same situation, and that she needs support because she feels extremely vulnerable. Subsequently, she may withdraw and that's not what i want at all.

What should I do? How do you live with our partner who has depression? How do you deal with caring for your partner, and for yourself at the same time?

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for close to 12 months.

I genuinely love her and have fallen for her.

However, it’s become apparent that she hid her depression and its extent quite well for the first three or so months of our relationship. I had no idea she had it or that it was this bad.

She cries almost every day/night and has spirals where she ruminates on how much she hates herself. She won’t get out of bed before 2 on the weekends unless she has plans. She struggles to shower every day despite working in healthcare (where…it’s not great not to shower). She has no hobbies and has lost interest in everything she enjoys, which has actually made it hard to talk to her because she’s not reading anything or doing anything so there’s nothing new for us to discuss. She talks about feeling hopeless and like she can’t see her future or what it would be like.

The thing is, I have suffered from extreme depression in my past. We are talking not showering for long stretches of time, unemployed, very close to not wanting to be around, no friends, no hobbies, sleeping at 3 am until 3 pm. I recovered. It took a few years of really consistent work but I recovered. I do sometimes struggle with depression but I’m much more functional now, much more grateful, and I have coping mechanisms.

I have tried everything I can think of bar a pure ultimatum to get my girlfriend to see that she has a disease that has treatment options. I’ve offered to do some of her hobbies alongside her, like co reading a book together or planning walks. I’ve asked her multiple times to consider therapy and I’ve offered to book her into sessions and find her someone she might gel with. I’ve talked to her about how her constant negative self talk is perpetuating her mood. I’ve tried to encourage her towards exercise for the endorphins and told her she can tag along with me. I know she hates her current job and it doesn’t earn anything much, so I’ve found options for her to re-skill in areas she has shown interest in but there’s always an excuse as to why she can’t do it (when in reality, she’s become the kind of person who would find any workplace intolerable after a year because she’s just mentally burnt out).

She isn’t receptive to anything and has said she will “think about” therapy but I know she won’t go, even though it’s very accessible where we live. She has convinced herself her whole family hates her but from what I’ve seen, they are concerned and she’s often objectively rude to them and antagonistic and self isolates. Her mother, for instance, clearly feels worried that she doesn’t have an actual career despite being smart and is worried her daughter is in bed all day, but my girlfriend takes that as evidence that her mother hates her and further parental trauma.

The thing is, I really do love her. When she’s in a decent mood and when we are out on a date or talking at one of our homes, I am so happy with her. But her moods are becoming increasingly present and I also find her constant self victimisation really unattractive, but also detrimental to my own recovery. She currently seems to believe that how she feels is simply a product of who she is, and that there’s no room for improvement. When I, someone who has been where she is, know that’s not true.

I feel scared that if I leave her, she’ll a) get worse or hurt herself and b) I’ll have left someone I really love. But I am also worried this will never improve because she hasn’t even reached the point of realising this is a mental illness and not an inherent personality she needs to stop identifying so heavily with.