Newly diagnosed boyfriend lied to me for 7 years. How do I know if it’s time to leave?
Hi there! I don’t know what to do or feel right now, so I‘m seeking some insight from this wonderful sub. Maybe it‘ll help me make the right decision.
A few weeks ago my partner got diagnosed with depression (and I think there could also be ADHD in the mix) after I uncovered relationship altering information which made him finally see that he has a problem.
Our history is very long so I try to mention only the most important things. The first time we‘ve been together was 12 years ago and it ended with him cheating. After that we both had new partners, but he was never honest with me about the real nature of his relationship. He always downplayed it and said she was nobody special and that they were never really together. So when we started seeing each other again 8 years ago that was the truth I was being fed. At that time we were still not communicating well so at one point we went no contact for 3 months. At the beginning of 2019 we started seeing each other again and this time things felt different. I was putting less pressure on him and he was giving me a bit more access to his emotions. Which now I know was even below the bare minimum‘s basement.
We were always good friends and I think that allowed us to even make it to 7 years of our relationship.
A month ago I uncovered that over the last 7 years he had still intense contact with his ex girlfriend, even though I asked him every now and then if they’re still in touch. To which he always gaslit and lied to me that she sometimes asks him for technical support. Truth is, it gotten less over the years but the first 2 years of our relationship he had almost daily contact with her, they were still talking to each other with their pet names (he says they simply never stopped after separating), they were sending each other birthday cakes (she lived in Australia all this time and we live in Europe), the were FaceTiming or calling occasionally in these years, in the beginning he was helping her almost weekly with technical problems, they met twice while I was travelling, they were constantly sending each other pictures from their time together and last year, she was asking for a shared folder with all the pictures he took from their time together and he even asked her, if she also wanted to have the „spicy“ content to which she agreed. I’ve read a lot their chats and they we’re never suggesting but somehow still flirty or like in love teenagers. Naturally, he never told her that he has a girlfriend.
I’m at a loss right now. He says it was only a friendship for him, that I’m the love of his live and that he basically has no self esteem. He always wants people to like him, he doesn’t experience any joy in his life and only adapts his „happy“ reaction according to other people‘s reactions. That he probably wanted to still have contact with her because she would always tell him how great he is when he helped her.
I‘m really happy for him that he got help so quickly and now sees how much his childhood traumatised him and still affects his actions but I don’t know if I’m going to meet the new person he might be becoming. I still care for him a lot but I don’t know if the trust is broken beyond repair this time. We started couple‘s counselling 2 weeks ago, but so far we only had individual sessions and the next one will be in a month. I never imagined myself being confronted with the idea of a future without him but it doesn’t scare me anymore. Leaving would be so much easier than staying. He has always been supportive of me, always prioritised my needs (if you don’t count honesty and loyalty 🙃) to a point were I was even annoyed that he never had own ideas, initiatives or even made decisions himself. I know that deep down he‘s a very good guy. But I don’t know if I could overcome the infidelity again or if I’m even willing to. I just now realised how emotionally starved I was all these years to be with someone that had given up on life. And it definitely left its marks on me and my mental health.
Has anyone made similar-ish experiences and has to offer some input/support? Is this kind of change even possible? Is it worth staying or better to pack my things and start new?