I am drowning in my marriage
I've been with my husband for 15 years, married 4 and we have a beautiful 2.5 year old son. My husband has always had bouts of depression, but since my son was born it's been much harder for me to navigate it.
After much nagging on my part my husband is on medication and does see a therapist every few weeks, but he is not really very engaged with it. He tells me some of the work the therapist has asked him to do then never does it.
As you all know being with a depressed partner is difficult, but I'll try to focus on the main issues.
My husband works only sporadically. He works for his father and this makes it easy for him to take huge chunks of time off without any
consequences. This puts massive financial strain on me and our family. I pick up shifts where I can but I work retail and it's not a big money maker. I tell myself to remember he is unwell and that is why he is off from work a lot, but it feels so unfair that I work so hard and he just lays in bed sleeping. All the bills are in my name. He is supposed to give me £900 per month. He owes me £500 from precious months and does not consistently pay what he should, and rarely on time. I also pay for all the food, household expenses, our sons expenses. We are not financially stable and £500 has had a big impact on me. He has always been reliant on me to organise bills and money but with a child involved it is much more difficult for me to manage. As well as financial responsibilities, I do the the vast majority of the house work and overseeing my child’s care.We have not had sex in over a year. I fantasise about being with someone who wants me. Not a person in particular, but just anyone who desires me. I have no intention of being unfaithful. I just want so badly to be liked and loved. He spends very little time one on one with me and spends every evening from when our son goes to bed til he goes to bed playing Xbox. He rarely showers and has poor hygiene.
He will not have discussions about money, our relationship, parenting, anything serious without shutting down. He literally says nothing or gets defensive. It doesn't matter how kindly I try to approach it. Every few months he'll make a big declaration of love and how he'll change then it's right back to normal.
He is an engaged parent when he is with our son, and they have a wonderful relationship. But he is easily overwhelmed and constantly gives in to tantrums. Sometimes when I get a chance to go have dinner with some friends, or when I come home from work, I have to hear a 30 minute rant about how difficult our son has been. It is draining.
If I'm honest, if it was just the two of us I think I would have given up. But I don't want my son to lose his family. My husband adores our son and I don't want to break that up.
I am trying to focus on myself. Ive been working hard to get healthy, exploring my own interests when I have time. What else can I do to help power through this difficult point in our marriage? How can I support him to get better? How do you guys cope when it's like this? I'd love to hear any tips or reflections on what I've said. I have lurked on this sub for a while and you guys are awesome.