u/stuckandlost4va

My wife of 10 years is depressed, suffering burnout and anxiety, which has been going on for 7+ years. She is being treated, seeking therapy, we are seeking couples therapy and it is going nowhere. We just can’t seem to find a way to see each other, apparently it’s all my fault, my love isn’t enough.

This has been wearing me down for this time that I have started to lose myself, and thinking of taking her up on her threats to separate. But I am overcome with guilt.

Guilt that I am abandoning her in her time of need, guilt that I am breaking up our family to find myself again, guilt that I am not holding up to our marriage vows - till death do us part.

Has anyone else experienced this? How have you dealt with it?

I have gotten a lot from reading everyone’s posts, so wanted to contribute and vent.
 
My wife is struggling with depression, burnout, anxiety, ADHD. Her resilience has fallen off the cliff since we had kids. Which is where the issues really began
 
Married for 10 years, two kids under 10. My wife had a privileged but dysfunctional childhood and is carrying a lot of that trauma. The birth of our children really tapped her into her childhood trauma.
 
I do most of the physical stuff, cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids sports/ appointments, etc and recognise that I have never been the most emotional being….but that is exactly who she married.
 
When I tell her I love her and support her, she doesn’t believe me and points at moments in the past where she has felt betrayed by me. I am an inconsistent and have forgotten a birthday or not said the right thing in her defense to a relative but I am not a philander or abusive in anyway and a happy go lucky guy
 
I’m here for her and her trauma but she is periodically taking it out on me. Sharing her feelings by attacking me. I don’t do enough, I am selfish,  I am not emotional enough, my lack of emotional connection is causing her depression. Then saying that I need to change so that I can sit with her emotions.
 
This goes for 1-2 weeks of every month, then we are ok. When she is vulnerable, I know she sees me and it seems great. Whenever we travel or with friends she is resilient, sees the glass half full. When we are alone, I am too sensitive and not doing enough.
 
It is emotional whiplash.
 
I have ended up retreating, losing confidence, just not saying things or speaking my truth or sharing my feelings as I don’t know which version of her I am going to get.
 
I can’t imagine sharing custody and being away from my kids. I love them so much.
 
I love my wife and want to support her with her depression, I just don’t know how much more I can take.
 
She keeps saying she doesn’t believe I love her enough….maybe she’s right