Should I go back?
I’m 34F, and I was in an arranged marriage. When I first met my husband, he looked great on paper: financially successful, educated, and his family seemed very kind. I actually said no a couple of times, but they remained persistent.
Eventually I thought, maybe love can grow. I was also 28 and figured that kindness, stability and comfort might be more important than having some immediate romantic connection.
The first couple of months were honestly great. We travelled, explored, and my husband was very nice to me. His family also seemed incredibly sweet.
The marriage, however, was a joint-family setup with his parents and siblings. I knew I would be living with his parents, but over time the household became much more complicated. Siblings who had been living abroad returned, spouses came into the picture, a pregnant daughter moved back, and extended family members would stay for months. I had very little privacy or space.
About two months into the marriage, I decided I didn’t want children immediately and started taking precautions. My husband saw me doing this, so I told him I wanted to wait until I felt ready and had more time to get to know him. I didn’t think this was unreasonable, especially in an arranged marriage.
He told his parents. His mother called my father and made it into a huge issue, questioning what kind of woman I was and making accusations about me that weren’t true. We eventually moved past it, but it really hurt me and made me realize that private marital issues were going to involve the entire family.
There were other things I discovered that I hadn’t expected. For example, I had been told my husband was a social drinker, but I eventually realized he drank at least one drink almost every night because he said it helped him sleep.
I also started feeling increasingly controlled. He didn’t like me making friends or going out without him. If I went somewhere, he’d tell me to bring the person home and would imply that going out wasn’t appropriate. I started sharing my location whenever I went anywhere. He sometimes checked my phone and became very particular about what clothes I wore, preferring that I wear oversized clothing.
At the same time, I wasn’t happy with the lack of privacy and autonomy in the household. Even small things like where I wanted to go or what I wanted to eat could become an issue.
Eventually I became visibly unhappy. I spent a lot of time in my room studying and working while he spent most of his time with his nieces and nephews. We barely talked.
I also felt like my efforts weren’t appreciated. I once ordered pizza and surprised him with it, and his response was basically telling me to return the “garbage pizza” because he didn’t like it. There were no birthday or anniversary gifts, despite him frequently talking about how wealthy he was. I wasn’t looking for expensive gifts; it was more about feeling considered.
At one point, his family started making comments about what I contributed to the household. His father and husband would make me feel like I wasn’t contributing enough.
So I tried to change. I started cooking and cleaning even though there was already paid household help. I learned to make more complicated dishes because I thought maybe if I contributed more, things would improve.
Sometimes they wouldn’t even eat what I made.
His sister also seemed to resent me. I got the impression that she thought I was a “middle-class girl” who had married into money and didn’t deserve what I had. There were comments implying that it was more her house than mine.
Eventually my husband insulted me again and I had enough. I left. His father came into my room and yelled at me and compared me to his daughter.
I ultimately divorced my husband.
Now, after the divorce, they are asking me to come back. Their proposed solution is that my husband and I will get our own separate place and live independently from his family.
Part of me wonders whether that would actually solve the problems. I do miss some aspects of the marriage — the financial security, the travel, the lifestyle and the fact that my husband could be very kind and nice at times.
But I also remember why I left.
The issue wasn’t just the house. It was the lack of privacy, the control, the involvement of his family in our marriage, the comments and belittling, and feeling like I didn’t really have a place in the family.
I’m struggling with whether I should give the marriage another chance if we have a completely separate home, or whether I’m just being pulled back because I’m scared of starting over after divorce.
If you were in my position, would a separate home be enough to reconsider, or would you see the previous behavior as too fundamental to the marriage?