schizoid
i’m not sure that i am schizoid but i relate deeply to a lot of things i read here. everything, life itself, feels like a chore; i suspect i am fundamentally unsuited to living in some unusual way. my body and mind are obstacles, but there is nowhere i particularly want to go. i am hopelessly hedonistic but all i really want is relief. i am awful and the world is awful in a vicious spiral. my social life is minimal because maintaining relationships is exhausting. i know that we are social creatures and i understand that living in a supportive community is objectively good for human mental health. I used to feel so lonely as a teenager and sometimes I still fantasise about living in my rough rendition of an idealised community. because we are and intelligent, inherently social species, i think eventually we will lock in and, as a species, realise that cooperation better than competition. i am optimistic about human potential in general; there is just something about me. it feels like my soul just can’t be bothered to animate me. the weight of the oceans of needless suffering compresses me. human suffering is needless and awful and vast, but i think we can change. the simple brutality of nature can’t be subverted though. every day i am astonished again at the thought that some animals are eaten alive by other animals and that’s just how it has to be. everything about life just seems so strange and pointless to me at such a spiritual level that my soul has just kind of resigned. life, this whole mode of being, is fundamentally something i have no interest in partaking in. i also have adhd so i pretty much function as far as i can muster up an interest in something. all this makes it hard for me to function. does this just sound like depression?