IDK Whats happening with me.
Im 19M. English isnt my first language so i took a little help from AI to express my thoughts better. But the feelings and experiences here are genuine.
From the past two years, I’ve been feeling really tired and bored of everything. I overthink constantly. I look at everything and everyone around me and feel like they’re just helpless but happy people pretending life is all sunshine and rainbows, while ignoring the bigger picture.
Let me go back and explain a little about myself.
Ever since I was 13 or 14, I always wanted to earn money because I hated spending my father’s hard-earned money. Every penny he spent on me felt like a waste because I never felt worth investing in. I’ve also hated almost everything about myself — my face, height, voice, physique, personality, knowledge, opinions, and even my takes on things. I used to stay quiet even when I had something meaningful to add to a conversation.
Back then, it wasn’t this serious though. I was still somewhat happy.
But for the last two years, everything has felt dull. Meaningless. Boring.
I’ve always struggled with making new friends or talking to strangers, especially girls. I lowkey blame my parents for that because they were extremely overprotective when I was younger. They weren’t strict exactly, but they preferred keeping me at home whenever possible. I still had a few friends and played outside sometimes, but not much.
Even now, I can’t make friends easily. I always feel like, “Why would anyone even want to talk to me when I have nothing valuable to bring to the table?” And even if I did have something to say, I’d probably stay quiet anyway. So what’s even the point?
I’m 19 now, and I haven’t earned a single penny. I just feel like I’ve made my father waste more money on me. I genuinely don’t think I’ll make it far in life. I’ll probably end up with a below-average job and still fail to make my parents proud.
My life has been okay overall, I guess, but my self-hatred has increased immensely. Because of it, I barely leave my room anymore unless it’s absolutely necessary. I haven’t properly seen the sun in months. I haven’t had a meaningful conversation with anyone in months either.
It feels like my life is leading nowhere.
I used to believe life was full of ups and downs and exciting experiences, but now I don’t even feel excited for those experiences anymore. I spend hours sitting alone in front of my computer, consuming information that probably won’t even help me in life. I wear earphones for 9–10 hours every day, even when I’m not listening to anything.
I have no goals. Nothing really keeps me going except my parents.
Sometimes I feel like if I could explain everything to them properly, they’d realize my death would probably be the best thing for them. And no, I don’t have any major trauma or anything. Just basic bullying maybe. My parents treated me well overall — their only flaw was being overprotective, and honestly, they still are.
All my relatives seem happy. They love themselves. They try talking to me too, but my ungrateful ass just can’t connect with anyone. They’re genuinely good people, and then there’s me. I feel like a curse to this bloodline. I probably won’t continue it anyway.
I relate to no one around me.
There’s a Kurt Cobain quote that explains how I feel pretty well:
"https://www.reddit.com/r/Nirvana/comments/1sc4xkv/kurt\_cobain\_talking\_about\_his\_mental\_health\_and/"
I don’t do drugs or anything harmful if anyone’s wondering. I don’t even necessarily want to kill myself. I just want everyone to forget me completely. I want my parents to forget I was ever their son. I want my friends to forget I was ever their friend. I just want to disappear somewhere far away and live alone without expectations, responsibilities, or consequences affecting the people around me because of my existence.
I can’t even imagine myself 10 years from now. I’ll probably die from a heart attack because of the amount of stress I carry all the time.
I don’t really believe in love either, so I’m not waiting for some magical person to enter my life and fix everything. Self-love feels cringe to me. Honestly, everything does at this point.
Sometimes I even feel like a poser for not killing myself despite feeling depressed and empty for so long. I don’t have any talent or anything special, and with this economy and AI taking over everything, I don’t even think I’ll be able to get a decent job.
Whenever I try to sleep, my brain keeps attacking me nonstop. It tells me I’m worthless, useless, a loser, and a piece of shit. That’s why I constantly listen to music whenever I leave the house, even if it’s just for two minutes. Silence lets my thoughts get too loud.
I don’t even want to ask for help from people close to me because I’m not sure if I’m actually depressed or just subconsciously looking for attention and sympathy.
Sometimes when I’m alone with my thoughts, I get genuinely angry — at myself, at humanity, at existence itself. I debate with myself constantly, and eventually I get so frustrated that I start punching myself in the head. At this point, I’ll probably end up giving myself brain damage.
I honestly hate humanity sometimes. It feels like humans are advancing technology and science just to discover more sophisticated ways to destroy themselves.
And the worst part is, I don’t even know if I genuinely want help and want to get better… or if I just want people to understand me and let me go.
Sometimes I feel like I genuinely want to go out, party, have fun with friends, enjoy life, and feel normal. But then I start questioning whether that’s even the real me, or if my brain is just trying to cope with all the negativity inside me.
I feel like living a miserable life and living a life with self hatred is more like me.
Or maybe I do want to enjoy life, but I don’t want anyone around me to see me happy because it feels unnatural.
I honestly don’t know anymore.
Sorry for wasting your time. I hope you all have a nice life ahead. ❤️
TL:DR :- You dont have to waste your time reading allat just know that i am an ungrateful, helpless loser who hates himself. You dont owe me help or something. you probably have better things to do so do them and ignore this. Sorry.