Can you actually ever get over it?
Long post ahead so I’m sorry about that but I’m so lost and confused. I’ve been with my bf for over a year now and I just don’t know if this is ever going to get better. I found out about 7 months in that he was a PA, but I kind of always had this feeling like I couldn’t trust him? Like something was off. It has ebbed and flowed the entire relationship, sometimes I feel so safe and secure and sometimes I feel like I should run for the hills.
This week is the worst it’s been though. Since I found out the first time, I’ve caught him at least 3 times “relapsing”. I don’t even know if it’s considered a relapse at this point because I don’t know if he ever really stopped… idk. I think he might’ve just gotten better at hiding it. I found it on his phone last week and gave him a chance to come clean but he lied. Then I thought maybe I could move on and live this way, but I caught him again this week.
It’s getting to the point where I feel like I need to surveil him and it’s honestly exhausting. I just don’t know if there’s even a way to come back from this. I’m not sleeping, I’m having trouble eating, and I just don’t know if I can live like this anymore. He does treat me very well in most other aspects. He takes me out on dates weekly, helps around the house (typically only when asked though), prioritizes time together, and I do think he genuinely loves me to the best of his ability, but I don’t think this is the man I can marry. Sometimes I feel like our intimacy isn’t even intimacy, it’s just him reenacting things he likes to watch. And it’s gotten much less frequent over the last couple of weeks. Before it was multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. Now I feel like I’m lucky if it’s twice a week, and I’m always initiating. I don’t know if I can deal with this insecurity and anxiety for the rest of my life. And I do so much for him, I make his life so easy. But he just goes and lusts after other women while doing just above the bare minimum in every other facet of the relationship like that’s supposed to make up for it?
I guess I’m just kind of ranting at this point, but I feel so stupid and I also don’t know if I’m at the point where I can leave yet. I guess I’m just curious if it can actually get better? I think I’m starting to see him differently and I’m starting to view everything through the lens of his addiction. I’ve threatened to leave twice already and he’s always convinced me to stay. I do believe he loves me so much but I don’t know what to do. It hurts. Will I ever be able to truly get over it? I want so badly to stop caring and just let it be but it eats away at me