AITA for not knowing whether or not I want to break up with my boyfriend?
I’ve never made one of these before so I’ll try and explain, but this is more to vent and get outside opinions. I’ll try and make separate paragraphs for accessibility reading.
Me (23f) and my boyfriend (23m) have been dating for 8 months, throughout this time there have been ups and down and I’ve mentioned breaking it off twice for many small reasons but mainly the same big one. I don’t know how trigger warnings or anything works so I’ll keep it a bit on the vague side, but essentially he had done something I deem wrong (I think most people would) to me while I was sleeping. It happened multiple times, at the very start of the relationship and then two almost breaking points after.
I honestly thought I could talk to him about it to get him to understand why it was wrong and ignore it like it never happened and we’d be fine. We had fun when it came to just hanging out and being together, and I was/am scared that breaking up means taking the friendship with it. But after the last time it happened even the thought of kissing him makes me uncomfortable, after a week sleeping in the same bed felt doable again and holding hands and cuddling during the day felt fine for the most part. But I’ve had several essentially mental breakdowns mainly just crying and one in which I cut my hair extremely short.
But also he’s friends with my friends/roommates and I’m scared of ruining their relationship and he lives with me, also I still care for him, but I can’t imagine kissing him anymore it makes me uncomfortable.
Super early in the morning he asked if I was happy in the relationship, yesterday/until this morning was a good day so I let him know it was good and it’s been up and down. I can’t remember the beginning of the conversation too clearly but essentially it led to me telling him I don’t think I could ever fix the uncomfortableness and breaking up was slowly becoming not a matter of if but when to me.
I was already super sad talking to him so things were all over the place and I was crying. He asked me if I wished to break up and I told him I didn’t know, that maybe he should decide whether or not too leave because my thoughts were conflicted. He got an upset at me for that and stated asking him wasn’t fair, I think we are broken up but is that really that upsetting? I feel like in the moment care and uncomfortableness just felt too conflicting and I didn’t know how to respond. Honestly despite everything I think I wanted to postpone breaking up because I wanted to keep our friendship for awhile before having to let go.
Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I haven’t slept all night so if details need to be added later or clarification I can but I thought until I figure out a good way to put trigger warnings or censor things it’s best to keep it all vague.