feeling like my culture is making love impossible
28F. i need a partner who shows up emotionally, yearns to understand me and be there for me. hell, give me reassurance here and there and i’m game. i don’t think that’s outsized, but everyone around me makes me feel like i’m asking too much
[i’m from a country currently at war in eastern europe, which adds a ton of baggage in and of itself, but i have no intention of touching on that in this post]
the problem is, in my culture, what i’m asking for doesn’t really exist as a concept, because men are generally conditioned to do the opposite of what i need
the men i date either get filtered out immediately for being disrespectful or opportunistic, or they pass that bar and turn out to be avoidant and allergic to accountability. i genuinely don’t know how to navigate this as someone with bpd. being single catapults me into a depressive state because i barely have a social environment and end up feeling deeply isolated, but dating feels like a special kind of hell.
my family thinks i’m toxic and impossible to be around. they genuinely believe i’m too picky for leaving a guy who had a job and didn’t drink too much. men are supposed to be providers in my society, but given the economic situation, too many people act like it’s enough to just find someone who isn’t a complete menace. the thing is, i don’t even need or want to be provided for, i prioritize different things
my inability to build “stable” connections with men sometimes feels like i’m actively failing to socially adapt.
but then, i just can’t bring myself to buy into this concept where love manifests solely as duty. a “good” woman is expected to be endlessly selfless, emotionally regulating, maternal, forgiving. i would be the one expected to single-handedly do the “i accept you for who you are” part while barely holding myself together. it’s just not feasible for me as someone with bpd
i’ve also noticed that if a man smells insecurity on me, he starts slowly destroying me as some twisted form of natural selection, like i failed to live up to his stoic standard and now he’s punishing me for it. in other words, if you show weakness, you are to be dominated
also, i spent a small fortune trying to find a professional who would take me seriously and finally validate my concerns about having bpd. now that it’s been confirmed, i’m having doubts because i’m trapped in this clusterfuck of emotional coldness and dismissiveness, and my reactions totally feel like they’re warranted and not abnormal
i don’t know how much of this is actually about cultural / gendered conditioning — this post is definitely coming from a vulnerable place, and i’m mostly putting it out there just to vent. but please share some thoughts if any of you resonated with this on any level