Identity Crisis
Hi, so, this is my first post to this sub.
As the title suggests, I’m in the middle of an identity crisis. I’m relatively young (recently turned 18- hurray!), and have been (socially) identifying as nonbinary (they/them leaning) since I was even younger. I hadn’t really put much thought into my gender identity for a while, sort of putting it to bed, so to speak. But, recently, as I grow and now approach a nearly two-year marker with my partner who’s transfemme and on hormones, it’s woken up and bit me in the ass.
I used to joke that I was in the middle of that ‘she/her’ to ‘he/him’ pipeline, and that I was in the middle stage of it. But, it never really ‘clicked’, and I always felt this ‘wrongness’ when thinking of using he/him- but, I felt wrong for what I think are the wrong reasons.
i always thought that getting on T, getting top surgery, all that stuff, was just an inevitability of what identify as. Like just another expectation that would just happen, eventually. I still (kind of) want those things (although I’m scared shitless of surgery- for very irrational reasons- mostly anesthesia), but it feels- I dunno, scary? Like i’d be losing apart of myself if I did.
I’ve recently been confronting some not-so-great feelings with my partner. For context, we live very different lives. I’m in school, with not-so-trans-positive parents, who hold many other bigoted beliefs, and they live in a pretty progressive household and do online schooling. It feels wrong to say all of this- like I’m airing out dirty laundry, but I really don’t know where else I could relay this without it only every staying on paper or in my head.
I had (at the time of this happening) been getting increasingly annoyed with them about, well, I honestly can’t pinpoint the exact reason. Mostly them messaging me about some dipshit they saw on twitter saying bigoted shit, frequently. I’m not particularly good at spelling out my emotions. But, long story short, I ignored their messages and tried to figure out this internal conflict that was festering inside me. (We’ve talked it out- we’re currently okay)
And then I watched a video essay called ’the incel to trans pipeline inside Mari’, which is a wonderful video that I think everyone should watch.
And it just made me break down, and truly confront all those emotions around my identity that I’ve suppressed for years, and the unfair emotions I’ve held about other parts of the community (especially the ones on 4chan). I never really had a concrete reason as to why I‘m trans- just that, I am. Another part in the video talked about how the speaker wanted to be ‘pretty’, and this just made me angry. That femininity was seen as this bandaid, that being perceived as feminine was a fix- which is extremely unfair, I know. But, I wondered why she couldn’t already see herself as pretty? I understand now that there’s far more nuance to that- that the experiences you grow up with never leave you, and your relationship to how others treat you, especially because you were born a certain way, just can’t vanish into thin air. They stick with you.
I hope the creator of that video is proud of herself. She should be. And it seems she’s helped far more people than just me.
I think I always subconsciously thought I was faking being trans. That my interest in being transmasc was just a symptom of wanting to be seen as a person, and not the connotation the word ‘woman‘ or ‘girl’ holds. I have realized that, well, I don’t want to be a woman at all. Ive never felt like one- most the socialization never even rubbed off on me. In fact, I relate more to male socialization if anything (no crying, push emotions down, etc.).
But, I feel that now, as the idea of me maybe transitioning becomes more and more of a possibility- I find myself asking that same question again- am I faking? Am I mistaking this feeling of being trans with wanting to be seen as a person?
And, I find myself asking even more question- how will that transition effect my social life? I hear all the time about how transmasc and trans men feel ostracized from everything- like a ghost in their own community. Or am I willing to risk giving away the social currency I have presenting the way that I am? Something I’ve noticed with communities that center around femininity in one way or another, is that they’re actually communities- and are seen as safe and open. Do i want to lose that? If I transition, and pass, will I lose that safety and community I had? Will I now occupy the same space as those who oppress us and become no different than them? I feel like if i were to, I’d just become sad, and lonely- like how a lot of transfmemes and trans woman describe their experiences before they transitioned. That they sad and lonely and felt ostracized from everything and everyone.
And I start thinking- what’s even the point? Will my partners feelings change towards me? Will I have to change who I am? How will i be treated by others? How will i navigate and deal with the queer community as a whole? I just can’t ignore the social consequences- with how everyone treats masculinity, you’d think it’s a blight on the community. Everyone seems to treat it like it’s all just inherently bad- that no one could ever actually desire it. That it makes you ugly, scary, and disgusting. Especially in the queer community, one so centered around femininity. And, I find myself wondering why I desire it, and if those reasons are unfounded.
I know I’m not a girl, but I’m not sure what I actually am.
Sorry if this seems long winded or all over the place- like I said, I’ve never been good with expressing myself in any capacity, and having borderline personality disorder certainly doesn’t help. Can’t go a day without some kind of irrational mood shift.
im mostly just looking for answers- or something similar- advice, maybe? I do still have a desire to go on T and get top surgery, but then I start thinking about all of this and I feel myself start to break. I want to change.