Being Discarded
I feel like I’m being discarded at the moment by my diagnosed Bipolar II spouse. Worse, it is happening during therapy for my severe depression, anxiety and treatment for SI in a PHP program. We have two young kids and I would appreciate advice on how to handle this situation and make sure they are safe and loved. Even just writing this out in a forum where people have gone through some of the same helps me a bit mentally.
To back up a bit I have been married to my wife for about 8 years and together for almost 10. She was undiagnosed when we met, but to me it presented as anxiety around big events and changes and getting defensive when she feels talked down to. No big deal. We got married after around two years together.
When we had our first child she had complications around the birth (severe post partum, blood pressure) that made a second child like we wanted a risky proposition. We decided to do IVF and reasoned that this time would be easier mentally and emotionally for her. It was about the same.
Following the second child we did couples’ counseling. We’ve effectively gone through it twice now and were looking to try a third time when this happened.
Since my wife works full time while I manage the kids and house and most finances (they’re in daycare and kindergarten most of the day), and she says this job takes up most of her mental load, her expectation was that I continue to pick up the kids, make dinner, play with them and get them to bed, get them ready in the morning, etc. while I’m in my PHP therapy program.
I realize now that trying to do this was asking way too much of me, and we needed help - though we lack a reliable or meaningful support network as many others do right now.
I began making mistakes. Most are simple mistakes that were easy to excuse - my 2 year old was wearing 18m pants instead of 24, sent him to school accidentally with a shirt that had a stain on it, forgot his water bottle… in fact one day, I sent him to school wearing TWO pairs of pants which I can’t help but laugh at a little bit.
The incident that triggered my wife was sending him to school with a thermos of spoiled milk. We were rushing out the door and I verbally said, “Shoot I need a water bottle.” In an attempt to be helpful, my daughter ran and got an opaque metal thermos of my son’s from the bathroom. In a clearer mental state I like to think I would have looked inside and immediately been revolted, or thought to ask where my daughter got it. Nevertheless, I said “OK” and didn’t think twice as we rushed out.
My wife was mortified by this and believed we are going to be on CPS’s “radar” (full disclosure the school just gave him a separate water cup and immediately phoned us to check whether it was medicine or what). That evening when we spoke, I told my wife - I was understandably emotional - that I didn’t feel safe getting the kids ready. She took it as “I don’t feel safe around the kids.”
During my therapy session this last Wednesday - when I was otherwise unable to respond - she texted me to say she wants time and space and that this would be best for the kids. She allowed me to come and get some things from the house like my clothes and computer and medicine, though she did ask “Why do you need to come to the house?” suggesting she doesn’t understand why I would need to.
She is currently resisting putting a timetable on how long she wants this to go. In the meantime, I am staying in a procession of hotels at considerable expense and trying to see if I can stay with friends here and there. It is making my therapy program very, very hard to focus on when I don’t have a stable housing situation and am basically living out of a suitcase.
The children seem to be fine - I’ve seen them once in person since the discard to watch my daughter perform in a school function - and I’ve had a few video calls.
We’re using the Talking Parents app, which records our communications, and I’ve tried to be as civil and patient as possible so far. But I need to know how long she wants this to be the current state because I need to make plans for myself - I asked “should I get a hotel or an apartment” and she seems extremely resistant to putting a even a vague timeline on any of this.
I’m assuming at this point I need to find a place of my own nearby and a part-time job that will work around my therapy, though it’s clear I’m going to start burning through my savings at a fantastic rate if I have to double up on our expenses.
She told me she talked to an attorney about a month ago and appeared to come away crestfallen - the parts she told me only had to do with money and she made absolutely no mention of the kids, which makes me wonder where her head is at.
I do also know that she’s gotten very hypersexual lately - she got an expensive Dramabox subscription and has been ordering a lot of sex toys, and wanted to engage in sex much more frequently in the lead-up to this (she’s been uninterested in sex for quite some time before this, so it made me think we were turning some kind of corner). It makes me concerned that she’s in a hypomanic state right now and is acting on impulse.
Has anyone gone through anything like this? What would you suggest here? Should I seek out an attorney? Ask my therapy program to arrange a family session so we can try to get at what’s going on here and what she wants?
Helpful comments only, please, and thanks so much.
EDIT 1: I realize I didn’t provide details on her diagnosis or how we found out. I’m willing to provide details if it helps advise this situation but not sure they matter to the current predicament. She is currently medicated and seeing a therapist once a week, and talks to a psychiatrist regularly about her medication. She’s had this arrangement and has been medicated for about 5 years. I do not, however, have contact or share information with her care team; I wish I did so I could know what’s going on or what to expect.