u/Accomplished_Bar219

even with my weight and disgusting pear shaped build, nothing makes me feel more dysphoric than this shit. i’m on T, but I’m really bad at taking it. I feel like me specifically having it is a waste. i’m always scared I’ll fuck up the shot and if theres any remote stress in my life the day i do the shot, i just can’t. I just skip. Its been a few months now..maybe longer, i‘ve lost count.
i’m not one of those trans men that tested the waters of queerness through the experience of being a lesbian and/or dating women. i’ve barely been interested in them in any serious way. part of why i don’t want to date women is because of dysphoria and the possibility of being perceived as, excuse my french, a fat butch lesbian with her gf. While I try to be realistic with myself and I know that probably what everyone assumes I am, i try not to linger on it because the thought makes me want to kms

On top of that i have nothing to relate to really when it comes to lesbians, but GOD, does everyone fucking want me to. a friend (cis straight girl) even told me she’s see ME with, in her words,

“A masculine butch girl, kind of like you, i get you’re a trans guy but you know what I mean”

Fucking GROSS. She’d never say that to a cis gay guy, not even a bi cis guy. i was so fucking grossed the fuck out, not at the potential existence of a butch lesbian, but by the fact that this bitch basically just said that she perceives me as a butch lesbian that likes masculinity. WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT?! TRANS+MAN+GAY= GAY TRANSGENDER MAN THAT LIKES OTHER MEN!!! MENNNNN!!!!!!!!! FFS

shit like this that makes me feel like an disgusting abomination against nature. and deepens any feelings that no queer man could ever be attracted to me, because they see the opposite of what i am; and if they are attracted to me, I could only ever me a taboo fantasy that would lead their friends and families to be appalled by him being with me

i’m not someone that felt like they deserved to be treated and cared for the same way they would for any other man. what I’d give to experience the same kind of honest intimacy and passion that two men experience with each other. i’m probably being a fucking creep for thinking about it. god, i wish i was just born a cis gay guy.

tw mention of SH and suicide i guess

t4t relationship. she has severe anger issues. its never remotely physical but MAN, can she stir up a fucking scream. turns into a malicious cunt when she’s angry. everything bad she could possibly say she’ll say it - insults, incidents from the past, any mistake i’ve ever made, silly jokes we both laughed abt in the moment that she’s now mad about - all gets rubbed in my face. even if i try to calmly admit that i‘m in the wrong (even if thats not the case, i just want to verbal abuse to stop) -— nothing can stop it. no soft or hard method - she just wants to incite verbal abuse and make them feel as shitty as she does, when someone is reacting in distress because they’re being screamed at non stop for over a half hour it’s “putting on a pity party”. That just sends me into more anger and despair, like she’s saying i’m faking shakiness in my voice or holding back fucking tears in order to manipulate her. i‘m losing my mind. i don’t know how much longer i can last. when she does this it never naturally ends, i end up feeling like i need to crawl out of my body and i need to sh. then she runs to save me like she‘s not the reason i desperately want to fucking crawl out of my skin. but thats the only thing that stops her from screaming. its the only thing that takes her out of it. i fucking hate her. I’m fucking gay anyway, maybe bi but even then i don’t even fucking like women that much, if i leave her she has nothing physically or anyone to lean on. Emotionally she’d be a fucking wreck too. I usually think i’d rather just ride out the quiet periods and get over the loud ones than deal with her bullshit on an even bigger level. If she got a fucking job maybe that’d make shit better. Anyway if i don’t off myself i’m probably going to stroke out as she’s screaming as me for not ordering the right sandwich or made some other meaningless mistake or some shit. It doesn’t matter. she just wants someone to sink her teeth into. I’ve said this to her by the way - it doesn’t matter. Her rage is of more importance to her to even if she says she’s sorry she’ll just do it again without a second thought next time. I communicate, it just doesn’t matter. This is what I deserve. I’m sure I don’t know half of how shitty I really am outside of my own head