i genuinely think i am a narcissist, and i also genuinely want to change
Hi 19(M), and i think that i am a narcissist. its extremely hard to admit things, especially this, and i've been struggling a lot to assess myself because ill be thinking that is this really the case, or am i just overthinking everything. first of all, i think i have inflated ego. i grew up with people praising me for my academic achievements when i was a kid, but i thin that got to me growing up thinking i was good enough to not study or i don't need to. now i feel very inferior because i never really put any effort into studying for that very reason. second, i lack empathy. i know this very much, and i genuinely try to expose my self to it. i see those tiktoks that has a catching video, an then after that, some people from gaza is trying to stop me from scrolling and is asking me for help. i copy and paste the link, but i genuinely don't know how that works, but i do it anyways because i've heard that it can help. but overtime, i think because i interact with them, they keep on popping up on my fyp, thats why instead of showing empathy, i sometimes just scroll away.
In general, i also have a hard time understanding people especially if i hadn't been in their situation. sometimes i can be dismissive and invalidate how they feel even if that's not what i meant to do. third, i dont like being put in hard situations. i have a partner, and since the start, whenever we argue, i think i just want to break up because i dont want to be in that place anymore. i question myself if i really loved her or i just loved how she made me feel about myself, that she stroked my ego and i just didn't really love her. fourth, i tend to get defensive when my partner tells me how she felt, instead of just understanding her. when she says things that i dont like, or maybe something that hurt my ego, i burst saying for example "why were you comparing our relationship to social media standards?" because she told me something that she wanted and that's how i reacted. and sometimes when she opens up, i tend to open up unresolved problems i have from her, and we just clash. i also insanely care about how others perceive me.
i genuinely dont want to be like this forever. i want to be able to love, without being so selfish and also knowing what my partner needs, knowing the best how to understand her, without putting myself first everytime. i came here because i believe that naming the problem is the first step to fixing it. so if anybody can help me, recommend me some professional help, or just share their own personal experience, i would really appreciate it.