r/narcissism

Hi, I’m new to this community. I’ve read a lot about covert narcissists, but I still have some questions because I want to hear about other people’s experiences. I’m also currently dating a guy who might be a covert narcissist, although he has never been medically diagnosed, so I can’t say for sure.

What signs should I look for in a partner? Since covert narcissists are usually more subtle than grandiose narcissists, I find it harder to recognize the behavior. What are the most common traits or patterns you experienced?

Also, how do you heal while being in a relationship like this? I still live with him, and I want to leave, but the idea of moving out while also dealing with heartbreak is stressing me out so much. I don’t know what the healthiest way is to handle this situation, or if I should try to move on slowly first.

Thank you 🤍

tl;dr at the end.

After spending a lot of time looking into my past and reading about narcissism and covert narcissism online, I (28M) think that I'm probably a covert/vulnerable narcissist. It's been about 2 months since then and I'm still in my first "aware" collapse. I've had narcissistic injuries before, but I didn't know what it was at the time. After the first month, I told my best friend that I'm a covert/vulnerable narcissist. Now I find it extremely draining talking to family and close friends that I want to avoid them but I don't. I've also become very paranoid and overthink everything they say or can't even think of anything to say when I'm with them because I can barely put my mask on. I think I'm in hard denial because I keep trying to see whether there could be another possibility and that I'm not actually a covert narcissist.

I don't know anymore. I feel like trying to get a diagnosis is another way of avoiding accountability or just a way for me to get something I want without the intent to heal. Another thing I'm scared about is that whoever does the assessment won't be able to tell. I've been seeing a psychotherapist but she doesn't think I'm a covert narcissist and I don't know anymore.

I'm just very exhausted, scared, and confused.

tl;dr: Self diagnosed covert/vulnerable narcissist, don't know if getting a diagnosis is to actually help me try to heal or just a way to avoid taking accountability and keep masking. Is it actually hopeless?

I (27F) don’t even know how or where to start. I studied a little psychology in university and we dived into narcissism. This helped me understand my parents better. I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist but my parents have many narcissistic traits. You can imagine how hard it was growing up with them. I am also the first born so I was the project kid. The trial and error child. I tried my best, excelling in school. Once I got to university, I became introverted and kept to myself a lot. I didn’t/don’t have many friends.

I have been married for the past 4 years, being with my husband for 7 years and knowing him since high school. We have an infant. I was in a seriously toxic relationship before my husband so that toxicity lingered in my relationship with my husband. When we’d fight, I would say hurtful things to him without realising what it would do to him. He once told me that I’m like my parents - a narcissist - and this made me feel terrible and made me ask a lot of questions about myself.

Fast forward, a few days ago, I was researching covert narcissism and I feel like I check all the boxes and this worried me. Maybe my husband was right. How do I get better? What do I do?

I know something’s wrong with me.. I just don’t know what. I suspect I may be a narcissist. I’ll list all the traits I think make me a narcissist.

1. I’m deeply jealous of people who are skilled at making small talk, socializing and relating well with others. It seems to come so easily to some people.

2. I violate people’s boundaries by going through their belongings. It’s like an impulsive urge and I do it out of curiosity. I do it less now that I’m older

3. I struggle with empathizing with men. For a long time, I didn’t think adult men had feelings

4. I struggle to communicate my boundaries as an adult and become resentful when they’re crossed. This is strange because I was really good at setting boundaries when I was younger and was called selfish because of it

5. I hold lifelong grudges

6. My idea of humility is not showing off my talents and abilities because people might think that I’m a “show off” while simultaneously desiring to be seen and praised for it. I only sing in my room because of this.

7. Sensitive to rejection. I withdraw socially if I think people dislike me. Struggle initiating friendships because I might get rejected.

8. I can’t make up my mind about anything or anyone and really don’t have a sense of self either

9. Socializing feels like a performance. I noticed that I mask a lot - I’m overly nice, I put on a big fake smile that my face hurts, I go out of my way to be helpful because that’s what people are supposed to do.

10. I give the silent treatment to people I’m in a low stakes relationship with during conflict (coworkers, roommates, classmates etc)

Update: I scored low on the narcissism scale (1) but high on hypersensitive narcissism scale (44)

I'll start off by saying I am not diagnosed by a therapist, but I strongly believe I have covert narcissism or at the very least some form of OCD.

From a young age, i was a peculiar kid, i was shy and introverted but at the same time I'd try to get attention, doing a lot of stupid (but minor) things. I cannot recall ever saying "I love you" to my parents and even as a little kid, I cared more about toys and I tried desperately to impress the cool kids and be accepted. I'd annoy my parents until I got what I wanted then I'd be in my own little world.

As you might imagine, I don't have many friends, subconsciously I understood that something is weird with me but I put my money on social awkwardness.

I've been talking to a girl recently, and she was brutally open from the start, for some reason I felt safe telling her many things, and we juggled with ideas so much that I ended up connecting the dots.

She mentioned something about seeing that I have some expressions that I half do, like they are not really genuine. She was right, I was doing them manually, sort of what I understood as the "right thing to do".

I dug deeper, and realized that at the base of my every action, I'm looking for validation in everything I do, everything is about myself. I do have cognitive empathy, but I realized that emotionally I don't have it at all. When I do not get validation from someone or something, I revert back in my mind and play a fantasy that works for me.

This has been killing me, I couldn't sleep last night at all and my stomach is killing me, I feel empty and I feel like I cannot even trust my actions, hell, even posting here is a narcissistic action.

The thing is, I also get obsessed by bad news or the idea that something can go wrong. I am pretty hypochondriac and anxious to begin with and certain thoughts stick to me like glue (which can still point to Narcissism as it is about me as always). I wanted to get some opinions from people with OCD that have struggled with something similar too, is there a particular difference between them?

Hi everyone, this is my first post on Reddit.

Background: I don’t know exactly when it started, but I think I’ve been an extremely manipulative child since I was little; I had no trouble lying or using manipulation to get what I wanted. For example, as a kid (in second grade), I sold Chinese knockoff Bakugan under the guise of originals, swindled money from gullible classmates, bought more knockoffs, and so on. I could also beat someone if I was offended or lie to my friends about all sorts of things without a second thought, just so they would see me as some kind of “better” person. Although, looking back on that time, I think I REALLY DID have empathy, and I wasn’t as cruel and heartless as I am now.

Now, however, I manipulate all of my friends and acquaintances. I only give them the information I deem necessary; I can lie to their faces about not knowing something, and so on. I’m generally cold toward everyone, feeling no real empathy or sympathy for them; I mostly use them and spend time with them when I’m bored. By default, I despise and feel repulsed by ordinary strangers. I don’t feel any pangs of conscience about this; I enjoy controlling people and making them submit to me. I can “minorly” break the law (e.g., petty theft at the grocery store, cheating the system that tracks daily work hours etc.) without feeling any shame, only the satisfaction of success. That said, I’m not manipulative 24/7; I can hold a conversation quite normally and openly if the topic or the person interests me.

It’s just as if I don’t feel any real, close connection even with people close to me; sometimes I just find it fun to spend time with them, but that’s all. Sometimes I feel a kind of shame (???) for them if they don’t behave the way I’d like them to; I just start feeling like I’m hanging out with idiots.

I’m also a sadist in my own way; I enjoy inflicting emotional pain, sometimes even on my own friends, through manipulation, gaslighting, and so on. I also satisfy my need for physical harm by going to the gym and practicing Thai boxing. Sometimes I like to watch people die or suffer; I like the aesthetics of blood (splatters, cuts, neat streaks; just guts spilling out doesn’t arouse me or interest me at all). I also have fantasies about harming people; I might smoke some weed and fantasize about punishing someone. SURPRISINGLY, I love animals and have a positive attitude toward them; I’ve never had any fantasies or intentions of harming any animals, except in self-defense.

Now I’m 25 years old and have been seeing my first psychotherapist since February of this year. I went on my own initiative because, at times, I got tired of being unproductive and/or losing interest in things faster than I could achieve any personally satisfying success with them.

My psychotherapist tells me I’m a malignant narcissist, but at times I don’t fully understand who I am myself. During certain periods, I truly understand/know that I’m a narcissist and I stroke my ego, thereby satisfying my need for admiration. But at other times, all my emotions seem to evaporate, and I really act like a psychopath. I even lose the need to feed my ego; I just do what I think needs to be done without overthinking anything.

Sometimes a period lasting several months can be replaced by another that lasts about a month, and vice versa, until I force myself to get completely drunk or take something (not on a regular basis, one time in a 2-4 months) to feel at least something (I need an emotional release), after which I experience at least some feelings for a while, and then the cycle repeats.

Because of these fluctuations and during periods of “emotional plateau” I very often lose interest in things and various activities, which drives me into a negative spiral because it hinders my progress toward achieving my goals.

I’ve read a lot about narcissism and psychopathy, and I’m confused. In general, I suffer from a kind of universal boredom, as if something is missing in this world. The point is that I do sometimes experience something like shame or self-doubt in certain situations (not often, but it happens), and I can still, at times, “turn on” real (not cognitive) empathy at will (though it will still be somehow muted compared to normal people, I think) when I really want to “feel empathy.” I also do want some kind of sincere love, but I want sincere love from someone with an unhealthy body image (I like manipulative sadists with angelic faces just like me). Also I don’t always have that “chase” for ego that’s typical of ordinary narcissism. Sometimes I might not care at all what anyone says or thinks about me, and sometimes I can still be “hurt” in some way (though more likely I’ll just be disappointed in that person).

It’s worth noting that I realize I can hurt people in some situations; I just don’t seem to attach much importance to it, although in some cases it can still trigger a reaction in me that makes me manipulate others less and behave more “appropriately” toward them. That is, there are moments when I really do feel like a total bastard, which make me tone down my “bastardness” a bit—not because it becomes unbearable that I’ve hurt someone, but simply because I don’t want to descend into total chaos and become a complete monster. I’m pretty well-rounded—I have a job, some hobbies, my IQ (131) doesn’t fall into the “psychopathic” range, I’m not impulsive, I like to think things through in advance with possible outcomes and so on—but I just don’t understand how to figure out who I really am and how can I best get along with the demons in my head?

So I wanted to know, in your opinion, how far can a maligant narcissist be from a psychopath, and how can someone like me manage life without being so procrastinated?

I'm nice, I've noticed people like my sweet voice and nice girl persona. But other than that I can't keep people interested in me because I'm nice.

I tried being pretty and nice, and sure, people want to approach me, but after some time I become boring because I'm "nice".

I've tried being interesting by partying a lot, but now I just have friends when they're drunk.

I don't care about them, but I still want them around. Being smart doesn't increase my status either. What am I doing wrong?

Oh also I hate complimenting others because they never compliment back. I'm Attention hungry, need constant validation but I mask my needs pretty well.

Someone show me the ways of keeping off a narcissist man am emotional physically and mentally drained

I feel as though I have masked how I truly feel for so long, to the point I have lost all reality of myself. I have no concept of who I am beyond the character I play in front of others. I am very performative, I always have been, this is a direct result of my narcissism and always needing attention. I crave attention so deeply, especially positive attention. And I would not consider myself a good person, so the only way for me to achieve somewhat positive attention is by completely masking and faking who I am.

This has started to affect my relationships and friendships. At this point I don’t even care about my friends as people and I don’t feel like I truly love my girlfriend. I mask so well to the point that they believe I care for them, when I, deep down, do not.

I enjoy my girlfriend’s presence because I know she’ll always affirm my needs for attention. And, if I have a partner or friend who can’t do that, I will find some kind of reason to drop them, because that is how fragile my ego is.

f20, i wanna have friends and make friends but the problem is im boring, insecure and dont know how to keep and initiate beyond surface level

i sometimes think to myself and wish i could get under that surface level friendship and just break character, be honest and have deep conversations, but most people aren’t interested in that, nor have time for that and i just end up scaring them off.

Therefore, I learned how to be fake nice and pretend im funny or interested in their business. It works in the beginning on some people but not in the long run. People notice im masking and that something’s off.
Because, in reality, i couldn’t care less. No emotion behind whatsoever. I simply don’t care about a lot of things, nor do i have interesting hobbies.

So i figured maybe i should practice in the mirror how to be fake nice more realistically, gesture and facial expressions, and find topics to talk about in case i run out of topics and practice

I just don’t know what to do with “friends”. To go on a walk together? What for? I can do that by my own.

Growing up, I’ve noticed, the older you get, the more you (have to) mask.

I also am a bit nihilistic/cynical and think every action is rooted in egoism. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I often cannot accept things how they are and that I cannot control.

I think I am narcissist. I pretty much know without the diagnosis. Lies and betrayal. Admiration seeking. Low empathy. And when some of this came out I still lied to my husband for years. Now that everything is out I still lie or go around things he already knows. I know it’s a decision but it feels like automatic. I am so convinced the next conversation I’ll be calm and be better but never are. I am not only doing this to my family but screwing myself. There is no reason for it it’s all out there. It’s like just be different. If you want to change you will. Why doesn’t it feel that way. I am probably being a narcissist even posting this. Anyone else come out the other side and made a change and any advice ?