r/narcissism

Hi everybody, not looking to make myself feel better, but to admit to the masses how much of a shit person I am. I fucked up this past Sunday, instead of being a loving gf and being patient I let my emotions dictate my morning. I am one of those shit women that used "her feelings" as a justification to start some shit. In reality, what I was feeling is one sided and there is no factual reason for me to have felt the way I did, except for my own mind convincing myself that I was in a state of hurt(?) idk what to call it now.

I have gone through this coaster multiple times and I'm a fucking loser for not learning and doing something different. I am however scared that I might be a narcissist and that this is something I won't overcome. This fear is making optimistic that I could change. Is there someone out there that has similar struggles and advice for literally resetting ones brain? I'm 32F and too grown to be acting this way.

Sorry it's a very long message and sorry if my english is bad, i'm french. And also sorry if many of you are going to be disgusted by what i wrote.

What i want to say is that I think I am a narcissist. I know i should go see a therapist to confirm that because i can't do it myself but I'm starting to notice some paterns and i'd like to know what you all think about it. A few days ago I blocked the only friend I had that i've known for 4 or 5 years. But not because he did something bad in particular but simply because I couldn't stand the fact that he liked me, which is very odd. It's odd because since i was a child i've always wanted that someone knows me perfectly, to have a connection with someone because I was ignored a lot because I was a bit weird.

And i finally found that with him but it scared the shit out of me because I couldn't stop thinking "what if he tries to manipulate me for validation ? What if one day we argue and he says what he truly thinks about me ? What if one day he just leave ?" and that was very cognitively demanding because I had those thought all the time and because of this everytime when he would  say something that annoyed me, i pretended like I wasn't mad and never tried to argue with him, or at least I never tried to have a huge fight with him.
But because of this I had constantly those conflicted feelings where I felt a lot of resentment when I wasn't on a phone with him, but when i was on the phone with him, well it was fun but I also felt nothing at the same time, idk how to explain it's weird, for example he would constantly saying nice things about me and it felt sort of good but at the same time i couldn't believe him because i thought "why would you like me ? If you are the only one here that must mean there's something wrong with you right ?" .

It also didn't help that we have almost the exact same insecurities, the same dark thoughts and that sometimes he would talk about how he manipulates (he's not evil, don't get me wrong). There's even one time when he talked about how he would like to be the mentor in a "mentor and student relationship" (idk if you understand lol) and I thought "wait are you trying to do that with me ?". And so i blocked him, because I just couldn't stand the constant fear, i just wanted it to stop.

But then I realized something that was fucked up, I almost....enjoyed doing that  in a way ? Not because I'm sadistic but because I was imagining a scenario in my head where he'll try to come back or where he would be depressed because I wasn’t there.
And then I realized that I always had this kind of behaviour, ignoring someone to see if he comes back or just blocking someone because i don't feel important anymore. I did that with my GF multiple times and then one day I saw that she wasn't really responding to my messages anymore, got scared of being nothing, so i left. Did the same thing with another great friend I had a while back, he had a crazy GF, told him multiple times to break up with her, didn't listen to me so I left because I felt useless, and he actually came back in with a message but i blocked him again. 
It's a very childish and pathetic behaviour but sometimes i feel like i can't stop doing that, because it's the only moments where i sort of feel alive a little bit ? or precisely i think "oh ! people noticed that i'm here in this world" it's hard to explain.

About the feeling of superiority, I have that but a little, most of the time i actually despise myself and think I don't deserve to be a human being, the only thing I feel superior about is the fact that I'm very self aware most of time, like i hate people that are in denial about how they feel or who they truly are. And because of this I constantly think “well if i suck about everything in life, at least i’m good at being aware of it”(even though it’s been a long time that i’ve realized that being self aware became a curse for me because it has no use if you don’t do anything to improve your behaviour) . And I also like to show to people who watch dumb shows that i watch critically aclaimed tv shows. It’s dumb i know but that’s what i do.

But i think i’m more of a covert narcissist like the youtuber Dr.K talked about in a video ? Because most of the time I don’t seek validation with arrogance, most of the time i don’t even want to be the center of attention (i mean yes and no) but I do often say in a subtle way something bad about myself in order to have reassurance. I also realized that i don’t really care about people most of time ? The friend i blocked a few days ago is the best example, I never cared about him really ? I was never interested with what he liked or with his problems. I mean again yes and no, because sometimes i would feel bad about his problems and even listen to him till 5am but most of the times I was like “this again ?”

So yeah i think I have a problem. 

Hi 19(M), and i think that i am a narcissist. its extremely hard to admit things, especially this, and i've been struggling a lot to assess myself because ill be thinking that is this really the case, or am i just overthinking everything. first of all, i think i have inflated ego. i grew up with people praising me for my academic achievements when i was a kid, but i thin that got to me growing up thinking i was good enough to not study or i don't need to. now i feel very inferior because i never really put any effort into studying for that very reason. second, i lack empathy. i know this very much, and i genuinely try to expose my self to it. i see those tiktoks that has a catching video, an then after that, some people from gaza is trying to stop me from scrolling and is asking me for help. i copy and paste the link, but i genuinely don't know how that works, but i do it anyways because i've heard that it can help. but overtime, i think because i interact with them, they keep on popping up on my fyp, thats why instead of showing empathy, i sometimes just scroll away.

In general, i also have a hard time understanding people especially if i hadn't been in their situation. sometimes i can be dismissive and invalidate how they feel even if that's not what i meant to do. third, i dont like being put in hard situations. i have a partner, and since the start, whenever we argue, i think i just want to break up because i dont want to be in that place anymore. i question myself if i really loved her or i just loved how she made me feel about myself, that she stroked my ego and i just didn't really love her. fourth, i tend to get defensive when my partner tells me how she felt, instead of just understanding her. when she says things that i dont like, or maybe something that hurt my ego, i burst saying for example "why were you comparing our relationship to social media standards?" because she told me something that she wanted and that's how i reacted. and sometimes when she opens up, i tend to open up unresolved problems i have from her, and we just clash. i also insanely care about how others perceive me.

i genuinely dont want to be like this forever. i want to be able to love, without being so selfish and also knowing what my partner needs, knowing the best how to understand her, without putting myself first everytime. i came here because i believe that naming the problem is the first step to fixing it. so if anybody can help me, recommend me some professional help, or just share their own personal experience, i would really appreciate it.

I genuinely don't even know anymore who the fuck I am. I can't tell what the actual me is anymore. Am I edgy? Am I a clown? Am I emo? I don't even know anymore. I have created so many personalities for so many people that I don't even know where the real me is anymore. Okay, this is probably gonna be a mess because I don't even know how to organize my thoughts rn, but whatever. I think I just had one of those REALLY uncomfortable realizations about yourself where you're like, yk, "WHO TF IS THAT HORRIBLE HUMAN?"

Now I'm thinking maybe I'm not actually the person I thought I was or, like, interpreted myself to be. For the longest time, I've genuinely seen myself as the person who gets hurt. (Victim mindset, I KNOW, I'M REALIZING IT NOW.) Like whenever something happens with friends, my brain immediately goes to: they did this to me, they excluded me, they chose someone else, they don't care about me, I'm always the one getting screwed over. Like, overanalyzing every single thing and making myself out to be the victim, but sometimes I do get other people, too. I don't think I'm entirely fucked, but who knows? I don't. And, like, some of those things DID happen. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend nobody has ever treated me badly because that's obviously not true, or it's true what if I haven't realized that yet? I've been thinking about my behavior lately, and I'm realizing I have a fucking victim mindset sometimes (sometimes is an understatement).

And I am hating admitting that. It feels so wrong to say that out loud lmao. Makes me feel like an attention-seeking whore which I kind of am, I think. Also, because I always thought I was the self-aware one. The nice one. The person who actually cared about other people's feelings. I would literally look at other people's behavior and think, "Wow, how can someone be so toxic?" while completely ignoring the ways I was doing similar shit. The irony is insane, I know. Like, sometimes I get jealous when my friends get closer to someone else. Like, I have an example that happened quite recently.

I made a new friend at school because, like, I was lonely asf. (Context: I was gone for, like, 8 months, so the friendship got, like, loose, if you can say that, and I didn't message them while being gone because I thought I'm never gonna see them again.) Anyways, so this girl follows me everywhere I go, and it's lowkey pissing me off. Like, every friend group I go to, she's behind me. Even one of my friends called that out. Anyways, so today our exam results came out, and one of my friends scored bad, so she was crying, and of course I went to comfort her. Of course, T was behind me. When T saw she was crying, she went to comfort her. Alr, wtv, but LIKE SHE WAS PUSHING ME A LITTLE AWAY FROM MY FRIEND. MY FRIEND B. LIKE, GIRL, WOMAN, T, U LITERALLY DEADASS MET B THROUGH ME AND Y'ALL HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR ONLY 3 DAYS. She was deadass trying to push me away and comfort MY friend. That pissed me off so much. But anyways, I know she's trying to, like, make some friends, but, like, she keeps trying to fit into my groups. I know literally a few days ago I was like, "Why does no one include me?" and shit. The irony is insane, I know, but listen: I'm not excluding her, but I'm not helping her get in better either. I know how it feels to be excluded, so I won't do that to her, but it's lowkey pissing me off. I don't see clear signs, but I genuinely feel like she's trying to steal my friends. I know I can be wrong, but isn't that gut feeling, yk?

And sometimes I take things SO personally. I'll replay something someone said, no matter good or bad, 500 times and convince myself it meant something way worse than it probably did (giving pessimist, I know, but when you expect the worst, the reality doesn't hit that bad). Sometimes I judge people and then immediately justify it because, "Well, I'm just being honest." I know I'm trash also. Like, I can't help but make friends based on, like, social status. Like, is she popular or no? But I'm not doing that anymore. And sometimes I think I care about someone when what I actually care about is whether THEY care about ME. That's the part that's fucking with me. Because what if I've been confusing being hurt with being right? What if just because I feel bad doesn't automatically mean I'm the innocent one? What if I've been so focused on everyone else's mistakes that I've barely looked at mine? What if I looked at my mistakes for so long I'm inventing some? Or am I just opening my own eyes?

And now I'm thinking about SO MANY past situations differently, and it's making me cringe and feel bad. Like, I don't even know which version of myself is real anymore. Because I'm not gonna suddenly say, "I'm actually horrible and everyone else was right about me," because that's obviously another extreme. But sometimes I think that is true. I KNOW I have good qualities. I know I've cared about people. I know I've apologized when I've genuinely realized I was wrong. I know I've been hurt for real. But I also know now that I'm capable of being selfish, jealous, petty, insecure, attention-seeking, and unfair. And apparently realizing that about yourself is a really weird fucking feeling. Because part of me is like, "Holy shit, maybe I'm a terrible person." And another part of me is like, "NO, you're just finally noticing your flaws." And then another part of me is like, "Okay, but how do I know THAT isn't just me finding another way to make myself the victim?" 😭

I genuinely don't know. I think I've spent so much time trying to figure out how other people see me that I forgot to actually figure out who I am. Has anyone else ever had a moment where you suddenly realized you weren't as innocent in your own story as you thought you were? Like, how do you even deal with that without completely hating yourself?

Lately, I have been trying to, like, be the better version of myself, but I am realizing things that I don't want to know now. I know I am toxic (woah, saying that out loud now makes me seem like a pick-me lmao). I know I have very toxic behaviors that are hampering my life and my relationships. I don't even know how to improve or fix it. I used to think, "Oh wowwowowie zowiee, I am smarter than the average person. I am very empathetic blah blah self-glazing shit blah," and man, now I'm realizing I am NOT the saint I thought I was lmao. But, like, I think this level of self-awareness is now dangerous for me. I feel like I am an empty bag. Like, for every person, there's different shit, yk? But in my case, I am the bag and my people are the owners of the bag. Like, yk, you get it, right? (Asking the air rn.)

Anyways, I don't think I even have a personality anymore. Sometimes when I, like, have a "unique" thing, I get happy, like, "Woohoo, I'm unique! I have a personality!" and that's fucking pathetic (to me). I want to be a good person SO badly, but wanting to be a good person doesn't automatically make you one. I know that. And maybe that's something I needed to realize.

I don't want people to just tell me, "Nooo, you're perfect!!" because honestly, I don't think that's helpful anymore- not that I ever thought that was. I think I actually need to learn how to look at myself honestly without either going, "I'm the victim," or, "I'm the worst person alive." Because right now I feel like I've opened a door in my brain that I REALLY wish I'd left closed 💀

Hello everyone. This last year alone was enough for me to uncover all of the hidden narcissism that i have had all of my life.

Today I was walking and remembering all of the egotism and narcissism and pain that i have caused people that loved me and cared for me but I kinda only liked the attention that they were giving me. and also the victim hood that i have been playing all time.

I'm a 30y M by the way and many of things have happend in my life confirm 100% that i have a NPD. One of these things is in the last quarter of 2023, i was with a friend of mine when he has just started developping a severe cannabis induced psychosi and i was living with him inside of his family home sharing the second level of the house. And to be honest i was smoking that time with him and now i'm sober of a 1 year streak. His mom tried to stop gis weed addiction by giving him prescribed meds that helps with that but suddenly he cuts them off and also he didnt drip the ha it of amoking weed so. The poor guy started losing the ability to sleep and because the psychosis started. In the meantime he was doing an internship and for him he was obliged to be present all the time so its like he never saw sleep because of know. Going to work and staying awake smoking weed andd all of that. The thing here is I was with him and i fouldnt do nothing. I was promising his mom that he is gonna be fine with me but all of them were broken promises. There was a time where she trusted me to keep an eye on him, to no let him go out and i failed. He went out of the house early in the morning and went far away. His mom told me that i told her that he is safe with me, where is the safety. You see guys. By writing this i feel like am giving away something that is not supposed to be out here. But this is about me .. damn