r/narcissism

I am so tired of dealing with this. I am so tired that I will constantly be having to fight this and cope with this my entire life. I am sad I can't just go day to day like everyone else. I'm so sick of waking up every day and waiting for some disordered behavior to pop up that I will have to do away with. I am so exhausted. It feels like it'd be easier to just give up but I know I can't. I am so burnt out. I made a bunch of progress but in the past few days due to a bunch of stress coming up on the heels of me already trying to stay stable while dealing with something really big in my life, I shut down, and now some of the intuitive tells that I had for when a behavior was disordered have gone away from my immediate memory. My body still remembers something is wrong but I have lost the words to describe it and it feels really frustrating.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? What do I do? It feels like I'm hemorrhaging progress and I can't bring myself to care anymore.

Just got a text that a party was cancelled due to the host being sick. My first thought was “oh good, I didn’t wanna go anyway.” Because parties are not my thing and I’m feeling heavy mentally. My second thought was “but I hope X is ok.” Because that is what my first thought should have been!! I really, really am so tired of being selfish. I find myself having to correct my thoughts constantly. If I have to do anything for someone else (unless it’s like, cleaning or something stupid) I feel anger and immediate pushback in my chest. I hate it.
My first memory of being a narcissist (also raised by them) was I was in 2nd grade. I made my mom a card, misspelled “mom” intentionally just so that she would say it’s ok. wtf? I fucking hate myself. I can never be there for people unless it benefits me somehow. How do I think I’m a decent person and also trash? I’ve brought up the concern of having quiet narcissism to counselors but they always say I don’t exhibit traits. I think they’re wrong.

I also have a savior complex, feeling the duty to stick up for outcasts, because I felt outcast growing up. And when I ultimately can’t fix others by betraying my own morals, boundaries (I don’t even know who I am anymore, I’m always told I’m wrong and over reacting and don’t know shit, which is true) and goals, I turn to S/H. (I think I also have quiet BPD, sibling and I were abused and neglected a lot growing up- mom had her own problems and couldn’t be there emotionally, she put us in dangerous situations, etc) I don’t want anyone to feel the way I felt, and still do, because I surround myself with people who are hurting, I truly want to help them not feel alone but again when I realize I can’t fix or help, I feel resentful at them and myself for failure.)

Can one change their narcissistic behaviours?

Just wanted to put this out there, really.

Ever since I was younger, I've always been viewed by adults as a prodigy.

I've also always been good at rallying mass crowds and selling a vision to people.

If I can direct this to a noble cause (e.g. climate change, the quest for technological immortality, etc.), what's not to say I can't become the next Greta Thunberg, or a leader of a revolutionary movement? After all I also possess the ability to be able to drop everything - even sleep on the floor if I must - and hyperfixate on one thing.

For a while I worked for a content creation agency and proved that I can consistently pull in real results measured by online virality. I've also always been good at social climbing and schmoozing my way into wealthy circles.

Perhaps directing these abilities towards my chosen cause will help me save the world.

Or maybe I'm just delusional, lol.

Some shower thoughts.

For everyone who wants to post another online test result from some website and ask whether it means pathological narcissism or NPD:

The internet cannot answer that for you. Personality disorders are complicated to diagnose. Questionnaires can be useful as one small part of an assessment, but they are not enough on their own. A proper diagnosis usually involves much more: patterns over time, relationships, behavior, biography, functioning, distress, coping mechanisms, and often clinical observation.

Also, personality disorder traits are often ego-syntonic, meaning people may not fully recognize their own patterns as problematic at first. So both “I scored high on a test” and “I don’t relate to every narcissistic trait” are not enough to confirm or rule out anything.

And: last but not least: narcissistic traits are dimensionao - everybody has them to some extent

If you are seriously worried, the best next step is to talk to a qualified mental health professional.

I have recently come to the conclusion that I may be a narcissist, according to my friends, whom I asked for their honest opinion. They say I am definitely a narcissist but not on purpose, I personally have never even thought that I could have been one but I think it may have something to do with not entirely understanding what it is to be one.

I guess my question is, how can i work on myself to be better to the people around me? As well as just not a narcissist at all.

I’ve never intentionally meant to harm anyone mentally or physically (I never have physically harmed anyone to be clear) which is why I’m confused about how I could have these tendencies. Does this come from underlying trauma typically? Or is it just how my brain is wired.

I’m open and accepting of all criticism and opinions

idk if it’s worth noting but I had lots of family problems at a very young age as well as some mental health challenges throughout my life.

as someone highly suspected to have npd, i cant change. i know i cant. everyone treats me like a monster and like im scum of the earth but i cant help how my mind works. i didnt choose to be this way. i try to get help, sincerely, but everything i see is just describing people with npd as monsters, i wish i could just take myself out. but i’m too prideful for that.

I’m quite confused by the obsession online with identifying a partner or ex as a narcissist. Something about it doesn’t sit right with me.

I see many content creators confidently claiming they can spot behaviours that “prove” someone is a narcissist. But isn’t diagnosing a personality disorder something only a qualified professional should do?

And why are we judging people primarily through the lens of a disorder? They didn’t choose to have it.

What I find interesting is that many people, mostly women from what I’ve seen, describe suffering for years. They stayed for 10 years, had children together, got married, went through hell, and then eventually conclude: “He was a narcissist.”

Why is that specific label so important?

Sometimes it feels like there’s a wall around the discussion where you’re not even allowed to suggest that the victim might also have things to reflect on. If someone stayed in a deeply unhealthy relationship for years, isn’t it reasonable to ask why? Not because they deserved it, but because understanding that part might help prevent it from happening again.

To me, saying “he was a narcissist” can sometimes sound like: “I’m completely innocent and he was completely evil.” But isn’t that black-and-white thinking dangerous too?

One of the things people often associate with narcissism is an inability to accept responsibility. Yet sometimes I see discussions where one person is portrayed as a monster and the other as an angel. Real life is usually more complicated than that.

I understand that childhood trauma exists. I understand that people can develop unhealthy patterns through no fault of their own. But when we become adults, isn’t it also our responsibility to work on those patterns, especially if we’re raising children ourselves?

Watching endless reels that tell you that you’re an angel and everyone else is toxic won’t solve the actual problem.

If someone cheated on you, lied to you, or treated you badly, why wasn’t that alone enough reason to leave? Why does the narcissist label suddenly become the central issue?

I also find it strange how obsessed people have become with detecting narcissists everywhere. Some people analyse every social media post, every selfie, every behaviour, looking for signs.

Why?

Why are we spending so much time trying to identify who is what instead of focusing on our own boundaries, self-respect, and emotional stability?

Maybe the important question isn’t whether someone is a narcissist. Maybe the important question is: “Do I feel respected? Do I feel safe? Am I happy?”

If the answer is no, then leave.

Not because TikTok diagnosed your partner with narcissism, but because the relationship is unhealthy for you.

To be clear, I’m not saying narcissistic people don’t exist. They obviously do. I’m not saying people should tolerate abuse. They absolutely shouldn’t.

What I’m questioning is the cultural obsession with the label itself.

Sometimes it seems as if people are more interested in proving that the other person is a narcissist than understanding why they stayed, what their own blind spots were, and how they can avoid similar situations in the future.

I’m genuinely curious what others think about this. These are just some random thoughts, and I’m open to being educated. I just hope people try to understand what I’m saying before assuming I’m defending narcissists.

I’m not a narcissist. I’m not a man. I’m a woman, and I genuinely feel sorry for people who have suffered in abusive relationships.

I just wonder whether we can discuss the idea that victims can carry some responsibility for their choices without automatically turning them into villains.

I'm so back and forth. The egoist in me keeps saying "I don't need help, I can do this on my own!" While there's a helpless part of me that keeps saying "I need help, what do I do?"

I'm trying really hard to change my narcissistic habits - lack of empathy, using other people, need for approval/admiration, etc - through DBT and ACT. But I don't really make any progress. I've been looking through these workbooks for years now, and only recently have I been able to remember mindfulness and emotion regulation practices.

I have friends who have been through these books, who have encouraged and helped me, and they're sick of me not making any progress. So I am, but I just don't know how to regain their trust, to actually know how they feel and do something about it.

I need to change. I have been listening more, and God it is painful to hear what I have put people through. It makes me miserable, but that isn't constructive. Or is it? Do I need to really feel the pain involved so that my body knows to never do these things again? I avoid things a lot in my life, and I worry that avoiding that pain is a problem too.

Do I need help, or just to really dive in deeper?