u/Jesuscriesagain

We've been friends for over six years. I can't say I love him; my feelings for him are quite unstable. I hate our conversations when it comes to money. He has more, but he's financially illiterate, so he constantly asks me for loans. I take advantage of this, telling him he can't manage his finances. I also often refuse to help him, citing the fact that I haven't repaid my money several times. I especially enjoy turning him down when he's in dire need of money. I feel superior in this relationship; it truly gives me a certain energy. I need to know that I'm better than him. When he tells me about his plans, I find it extremely unpleasant to listen to. He's far from stupid and relatively smart, so I'm sure he'll achieve some success in life. But during such conversations, I subconsciously try to tease him, to prove that he's not ready for it yet, that he won't succeed. Something happened recently: he was riding a scooter and crashed into a car. He had to pay about 40% of his salary for the damage. To top it all off, it all happened on his birthday. When he told me this, I was extremely happy. I didn't feel an ounce of compassion for him at that moment. I was glad he was weaker than me: he lost control (perhaps I think I'm luckier and a better driver) and suffered financial ruin, spending a significant portion of the money on car repairs. I sincerely want him to have, if not bad, then certainly worse than me. I don't want him to grow up behind me. I'd really like to start a company and get him a job as my assistant, finally letting him know that I'm better at everything. I don't want his life to go downhill and fail, but I also rejoice in every failure of his, which serves as confirmation of my superiority. Very often, I simply hate him with all my soul. But he is my closest and only friend.

We've been friends for over six years. I can't say I love him; my feelings for him are quite unstable. I hate our conversations when it comes to money. He has more, but he's financially illiterate, so he constantly asks me for loans. I take advantage of this, telling him he can't manage his finances. I also often refuse to help him, citing the fact that I haven't repaid my money several times. I especially enjoy turning him down when he's in dire need of money. I feel superior in this relationship; it truly gives me a certain energy. I need to know that I'm better than him. When he tells me about his plans, I find it extremely unpleasant to listen to. He's far from stupid and relatively smart, so I'm sure he'll achieve some success in life. But during such conversations, I subconsciously try to tease him, to prove that he's not ready for it yet, that he won't succeed. Something happened recently: he was riding a scooter and crashed into a car. He had to pay about 40% of his salary for the damage. To top it all off, it all happened on his birthday. When he told me this, I was extremely happy. I didn't feel an ounce of compassion for him at that moment. I was glad he was weaker than me: he lost control (perhaps I think I'm luckier and a better driver) and suffered financial ruin, spending a significant portion of the money on car repairs. I sincerely want him to have, if not bad, then certainly worse than me. I don't want him to grow up behind me. I'd really like to start a company and get him a job as my assistant, finally letting him know that I'm better at everything. I don't want his life to go downhill and fail, but I also rejoice in every failure of his, which serves as confirmation of my superiority. Very often, I simply hate him with all my soul. But he is my closest and only friend.

I recently had another session with a therapist, and we came to the conclusion that my compulsive overeating is related to my OCD. Has anyone here experienced something similar? There's almost no information on the internet about this, but I'd be grateful if you could recommend some resources and information.

I recently had another session with a therapist, and we came to the conclusion that my compulsive overeating is related to my OCD. Has anyone here experienced something similar? There's almost no information on the internet about this, but I'd be grateful if you could recommend some resources and information.

How can I accept myself and my identity? This is one of the biggest challenges of BPD for me. The constant swings in mood, state, and values ​​are simply killing me. The only constant that remains with me is my faith in God. When I see someone cool on the street or online, I try to imagine them in my mind, how they would act in a given situation, and what they would say. I'm tired of copying other people's values. Lately, I've been feeling a connection with myself and understanding myself a little, but I'm still very far from understanding. What I want isn't so much self-understanding, because that's not the biggest problem, but learning to hold myself to the values ​​I currently hold. I want to be myself, not a carbon copy of other people. It is so terrible to finally find who you are but not being able to hold this personality for long.

How can I accept myself and my identity? This is one of the biggest challenges of BPD for me. The constant swings in mood, state, and values ​​are simply killing me. The only constant that remains with me is my faith in God. When I see someone cool on the street or online, I try to imagine them in my mind, how they would act in a given situation, and what they would say. I'm tired of copying other people's values. Lately, I've been feeling a connection with myself and understanding myself a little, but I'm still very far from understanding. What I want isn't so much self-understanding, because that's not the biggest problem, but learning to hold myself to the values ​​I currently hold. I want to be myself, not a carbon copy of other people. It is so terrible to finally find who you are but not being able to hold this personality for long.

I have been trying to quit this for the last 3 years. It was so many time when he threatened me, offended me. It was my closest person after my mother, and i couldn’t share any of my problems with him bcs I was so afraid of his reaction. I can't wrap my head around how i have spent 5 years with him. I tried to quit so many times, like 10, and he always said words to make me feel wrong and guilty. He made me believe that he can abuse me bcs I have bpd and make him crazy by my questions and reactions sometimes. I thought it is okay. I must pay for my bpd behavior, if I behaved bad, he has the right to take revenge on me. I allowed him to do this. Now this hell is over. I am shacking now. I am finally free from. Grateful to r/BPD❤️