u/VinceNeede

Hi all, I mostly wanted to introduce myself to the community and share my story.

I grew up with narcissistic parents, so I was taught, implicitly, that love had to be earned. By the time I was 14, I had already lost any real sense of who I was — I was getting used to wearing masks, and "fake it till you make it" became my motto. I overachieved at everything, so I didn't feel anxiety; everything looked manageable, and every time I raised the bar, I somehow cleared it. The downside was that I couldn't be alone with myself. I felt mostly apathetic, and rage was the only emotion that ever really broke through.

Then being around people started to feel exhausting. I never knew which mask to wear, and my mind was constantly working overtime just to figure out how to behave. That's when I started struggling with alcohol.

Around 20, between university and a dance career that wasn't working out, I doubted my abilities for the first time, and after a disappointing relationship, I fell apart completely. That's when I started psychotherapy for the first time — but it was cut short by COVID.

That period was strange. On one hand, I started enjoying solitude for the first time — it was a relief not having to perform for someone else's approval. On the other, I felt a deep emptiness underneath it. After COVID, I became almost unable to function in public, constantly feeling judged for everything, even for using the bathroom. That's when I went back into therapy, and we mostly worked on my relationships with others.

My master's degree was the hardest period of all. My undiagnosed IBS spiked, I started having panic attacks once or twice a week, and depression set in. It felt like reality was finally showing me my real limits. It took me a while to stop seeing that as an obstacle on my way to some imagined greatness, and start seeing it for what it actually was.

I'm only now realizing that after taking off those masks, I never actually figured out who I really am underneath them. That's what I'm trying to build now.

My friends gifted me a shodo kit and I've been practicing with the help of the book "Brush Writing: Calligraphy Techniques for Beginners" and various YouTube videos, since there are no schools in my area (Salerno, Italy).

1. Can anyone recommend a good YouTube channel/profile for beginners? I've found a few useful ones so far, but I'd love more structured guidance if there's a channel people here rate highly.

2. I noticed that a lot of people in videos don't follow some of the "rules" my book describes — like keeping both index and middle finger in front of the brush (many keep the middle finger behind instead), and keeping the brush at a 90° angle to the paper. It honestly looks simpler and more natural done that way. Is this just a matter of personal style/school, or is my book teaching an outdated/oversimplified version? Curious if this changes with experience or if it's fine to adopt those variations early on.

Any tips appreciated — trying to build good habits from the start!