Does my thinking look like vulnerable narcissism? Be honest
I know it’s a lot to read 😂😅 but I feel like this entry describes my thinking pretty well.
I care so much what others think, that it physically hurts. I’m so extremely sensitive but I keep it inside to protect my image, as apathetic and uncaring. I come here as a way to cope with judgement from others. I feel like it might make me feel better. I know I shouldn’t care and I understand why I shouldn’t care but I still care. It’s not logical. It’s a feeling and my way of dealing with that painful feeling is to try to understand and explain it. If I can understand it maybe it won’t hurt as much. I’ll try to twist it so I’m the good guy because if I’m the good guy there’s no reason to be upset. I cope by convincing myself of who I want to be. The reason I’m upset is because of my ego. I’ll get mad over something so small, which then reminds me how self important my way of thinking is. I don’t matter and I know I don’t matter but I’m programmed to care. I care what people think and need their approval. But why does it have to be programmed so deep inside. I don’t want to care, I know I shouldn’t care, I try to make meaning of my caring, but in the end whether or not the rest is true, I still care. And it hurts
I definitely have personal issues that I need to work on but the thing is, is that I’ve become so attached to them and identify so strongly with them that I don’t even want to change them. I feel like if I fix it in silence no one will ever know I had anything wrong and if no one knows I ever had anything wrong no one will know what I went through. I want them to know that my “laziness” or “inaction” through the years has been pathological. I’m aware that my issues don’t necessarily justify my inaction, it’s just that I care less about the consequences of my inaction than what others think about my inaction. It all comes down to what others think because I have such an unstable sense of self worth. I’m constantly having imaginary conversations and replaying old conversations with people that I respect trying to win them over. I value others thoughts so far above my own that even when I am thinking for myself it’s through an imagined conversation with someone else. I feel like my thoughts need a stamp of approval from others even when I’m just thinking critically by myself. I’ll curate a character for them to make judgements on me that can convince me of who I want to be. Simply because I see what they see in me and it becomes what I see in myself.
One thing I know for sure is that I treat pride, self absorption, and any narcissistic traits as sins. In my mind it’s a moral failing to have any of them, so I’m writing this partially to convince myself that I don’t. Not only am I assessing myself for these qualities, but I’m also assessing others. Because Im so insecure, I’ll compare myself to these people, and if they their smart, unpretentious, and humble I’ll feel worse about myself. I don’t participate in the conversation as much as I use others as a reflection. During something like a class lecture where there’s no pressure to respond, I’ll listen to the professor not out of curiosity but as a way to evaluate myself through comparison. Everything that’s happening around me is about me, and I project that subconscious belief onto what I believe others are thinking when interacting with me.