How do I look?
So here are my results, personally I feel they couldve been different if some of the wording were better but alas.
Some context for me, my dad is diagnosed narc and my mum definitely has traits.
My dad was never really there and when he was he gave me gifts and was the fun dad, more of a friend than a parent.
My mum was my main carer and we used to get in arguments all the time. I always had to win, and we used to argue over the tiniest things like me being able to have specific things when I was younger, I used to sneak stuff into my room, I always broke the rules and my mum would literally leave the house thats how stressed she was.
Lived with mum till I was 10, she sent me to my dad who never truly fathered me, i had to eat microwave meals and entertain myself for like 4 years, he never showed any care of being a parent and when he kicked me back to my mums he yelled at me and said hed never wanted to be a parent and he hated me, my mum also told me she hated me on occasion
Moved back in with mum and step dad and always disobeyed their rules up until i moved out.
I have always needed to break rules, I have this NEED to break rules. I stole my first thing at like age 3 and got caught the first time age 6 in kindergarten. I learnt from then that you need to always hide ur evidence, rather than not do it.
Now as Ive aged I've always been interested in my mind, always tried to figure out what it was. Since i was young i was very self aware and people always said this, i was praised for this.
I love praise, praise is what drives me. I wanted to be a musician not for the musicianiship but to be famous, one of the greats. And it wont happen so ive ditched that.
Lately ive taken an interest in how my relationships with other people are and ive become hyper aware of things. In my relationship i have cheated, stolen, and lied to my partner over many things and I dont feel bad. I just want to analyse and talk about what ive done. I do sincerely love him but his boundaries dont matter to me.
I gave also always thought of jealousy as my biggest flaw, even as a kid. I HATE when my friends and fsmily succeed, a recent friend of mine is succeeding as a musician and I have never wanted him to fail or worse than I have now. I cant take criticism and even small losses like not getting a particular item I wanted but wasnt owed.
I dont necessarily think im better than anyone, I think everyone is equal, but I do prefer myself.
I often lie, I manipulate if i need to, I cheat, but all these I only if I can get away either it. I'm not stupid.
I do do good things, i love my friends and I can sacrifice things for them but often times its small losses I dont care to miss, or things where if people notice what ive done it looks really bad.
Since I was younger ive lived with the mindset of "live as if someone is watching you" so i always try to look my absolute best. im very vein.
Im not afraid of this, im not distressed so I dont think its ocd, it is just something I think about often. Could I be a narc?
Ask any questions