u/Accomplished_Pin_324

I used to think I was completely fine being alone.

Maybe part of me still believes that sometimes. I like silence. I like my own world. I like staying inside my head where everything feels organized, controlled, and safe. No pressure to impress people. No fear of being misunderstood. No unnecessary drama. Just me, my thoughts, my music, my ambitions, and the million ideas constantly running through my mind like a machine that never shuts off.

But lately, something feels different.

I think I’ve started realizing that isolation and independence are not the same thing.

Being independent feels empowering. Being isolated feels heavy.

There are moments where I laugh at something and instinctively want to send it to someone, but then I realize I don’t really have that person. Moments where I achieve something, learn something cool, discover a new song, or have an idea so exciting that my brain feels like it’s on fire, yet there’s nobody beside me to genuinely share the experience with.

And honestly? That emptiness is louder than I expected.

I spend so much time trying to become better. Smarter. More disciplined. More talented. More “worthy” of the future I want. Sometimes I act like life is a solo campaign where I have to carry everything alone because relying on people feels dangerous. People leave. People misunderstand. People disappoint. So I convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone.

But humans are weird.

Even the most introverted person still wants connection somewhere deep inside. Even the quiet people want someone who understands their silence. Even the ambitious people want companions beside them while climbing mountains.

I think I do too.

Not fake friendships. Not shallow connections built only on convenience or temporary entertainment. I want real friends. The type where conversations feel natural instead of forced. The type where silence is comfortable instead of awkward. The type where people inspire each other to grow instead of dragging each other down.

I want people I can build memories with while I’m still young enough to experience life for the first time.

Maybe that’s what scares me.

Because friendship requires vulnerability, and vulnerability feels like handing someone a weapon and hoping they don’t use it against you.

Still… I think the risk might be worth it.

Maybe life was never meant to be conquered completely alone.

Maybe even someone like me needs people beside him sometimes.

I Fell in love with my second cousin (Again).

Recently, I felt a flock of butterflies going through my stomach that made me see the world as vibrant as ever, accompanied by a very upbeat song that reminded me of something from my very vibrant and exciting life from the past as I saw a glimpse of this unique but familiar girl, whom I assumed to be my childhood friend and second cousin. As soon as I saw her, I experienced what felt like a love at first sight moment, suddenly being lost in my thoughts, frankly remembering a beautiful sunset with her by my side as we climbed up to the top of a guava fruit branch that's fairly small enough to be climbed by a 3rd grader, which is us.

She gives off a sense of familiarity and the need for an emotional connection with her. As I was a very misunderstood child when I was very young, I totally remember her being there for me despite my reckless, anti-social, delusional, grandiose, and chaotic behavior. She literally fits all my standards for a soulmate with her beautiful, innocent-looking face; calm energy; being smarter and probably wiser than the average person; and having a similar interest to me. I thought at that moment that she was the one I'd been looking for my whole life.

She represents the moon, as her elegance and beauty contradict even time itself, and the sun, as this girl whom I met 12 generations ago has not changed even the slightest bit of her bunny-like ball of sunshine aura. I guess I'm deeply attracted to her now due to the fact that I miss my 3rd grade personality, which is a very perceptive, happy, loves adventure and exploring the world, respectful, people-loving, I-love-life thing.

I really missed her, though. I'm really sorry for her for my very distant interaction and not appreciating her, as she has a very rare personality nowadays for girls. So in the heat of this moment, I would like to tell you one last thing.

Thank you. Thank you for being my friend and trusted classmate back in the day. I really enjoyed our bond when we were both young. Now as persons who are slowly approaching professionalism in our lives, I'm looking forward to our next time seeing each other again.

I also recognize that she is my second cousin, and because of that, I cannot pursue these feelings, even though the emotional intensity in this moment felt very real.