I feel nothing
Me and my girlfriend have been dating for nearly 8 months. Before I met her I often felt a lack of emotion, I’d never get overly excited nor overly sad, I felt as if everything was dull. I never noticed this until maybe 7 months before her and k started talking. If anything I would feel moments of deep despair and loneliness but never deep moments of happiness. Which was strange because it had been some of the most exciting times of my life. I just moved into college and started uni. When her and I started talking I felt like things changed, I would feel deep moments of love and affection, and deep moment dog loneliness and even anxiety when we were away for long periods of time (weeks and close to 2 months), I think this had something to do with maybe some past trauma from previous relationships
I would say that maybe 4 months into dating, we started going into rough patches In our relationship, not only because the honeymoon phase was over but because she was going through health issues regarding surgeries and mental health issues. We had arguments and things seemed very awful for a while, I think this is when I started to notice most of the time I would feel frustrated with her, I built resentment in my heart and started to question my relationship. We worked most things out but I’ve struggled to move on from that period of struggle and resentment. Things have gotten better but I think I can still resent her. I’ve noticed things she does which frustrate me so much. I’ve started thinking about if I had started talking to someone else? What would my life look like? Would I be happier? I notice that I’ve looked at other women with interest when I never used to. I don’t know if this is interest in a relationship or if it’s just thinking they’re attractive and moving on.
Let me be clear, she is an amazing person, we have worked though a lot and she has been so loyal. Sure she has issues, everyone does. Sometimes I think of her and I miss her so much but then the next i wouldn’t feel so intense about those feelings. It’d feel like “I’m enjoying my alone time and I’d probably be happier if she wasn’t here” which I don’t think I’ve ever felt towards someone I had been interested in. (Note my longest relationship had been maybe a month before this so this is new to me). I don’t want to break up with her but I can’t get the thought out my head. I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to think of other people, I don’t want to think of breaking up with her, I don’t want to feel nothing, I want to feel the ups and downs of life not just some bland and blank emotion.
What do I do? Should I go to therapy? I can’t talk to my girlfriend about this because it would destroy her and I need to know what’s wrong with me and why i felt this way before meeting her and why when we started talking things felt better? Also why they’ve gotten worse again? Any insight would be appreciated