I forgot what calm felt like
It has now been around two years since my exwBPD and I broke up. We were together for 4.5 years.
Between the constant walking on eggshells, always taking the blame, and never feeling like I was good enough, I believe my nervous system took a huge hit. Since then, I’ve struggled with depression and regulating my nervous system. I always felt like something was wrong, like I was waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I had this tight feeling in my chest that felt suffocating at times.
However, lately I’ve started to notice a shift. I’ve had much more energy. I’m able to take walks without constantly blasting music in my headphones. I’ve even started eating some of my meals at the kitchen table without distractions instead of in front of the computer.
I’ve also noticed that I care more about my environment again. Cleaning my apartment and taking care of small things around me no longer feels impossible.
There are even moments when I suddenly realize I haven’t felt that tight feeling in my chest for a while, and it feels so good. I don’t know if it has to do with the seasons changing, and I’d be lying if I said the feeling is completely gone, but I’m still holding on to hope that maybe these are the first signs that I’m finally coming out of my depression, and finally beginning to heal from the immense pain the relationship caused me.
Did anyone else slowly realize they weren’t in survival mode all the time anymore?