15 yrs and the cycle continues…
HLF 40s / LLM 40s. Married 15 years, kids.
We’ve struggled on and off with mismatched libidos pretty much our entire marriage. His has always been lower, and I know anxiety, work stress, pressure, etc. play a role.
But the last 5–7 years have really done something to me.
I basically cannot initiate anymore. If I verbally suggest sex, flirt too directly, or physically initiate, it’s like throwing cold water on the entire thing. Either nothing happens or I can almost feel the pressure hit him and the moment dies.
If sex happens, it’s almost always because HE initiates—usually in the middle of the night or early morning. There’s very little foreplay and almost no kissing. I miss feeling wanted. I miss sexual tension. I miss feeling like my husband looks at me and actually desires me.
He works out 5+ days a week and is extremely physically fit. Meanwhile, I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to make myself more desirable, and I hate even admitting that. My depression has gotten worse, and feeling chronically undesired by the person I married absolutely contributes to it.
The hardest part is that he doesn’t communicate about any of this. He says he loves me. He says he’s attracted to me. He’s sweet, thoughtful and considerate. He puts real effort into our emotional relationship.
But there is almost zero sexual energy between us.
Sometimes it feels like he’s just a really nice guy who lives with me and loves me. And being kind to your spouse matters, obviously, but after 15 years I don’t think kindness alone is enough to make me feel married.
We used to have explosive arguments about sex because I was desperate for him to explain what was happening. What he felt. What he needed. Whether it was me. Whether it was pressure. Whether he even wanted a sexual relationship.
He never really gave me answers.
We haven’t even had those arguments in months because I’ve basically stopped trying.
We’ve gone through cycles where things briefly improve, but there isn’t even that “hysterical bonding” period people describe after a huge relationship fight. Maybe we have sex once, and then everything immediately returns to normal.
What hurts is watching him put so much effort into protecting and nurturing our emotional relationship while seemingly accepting that our sexual relationship can just disappear.
At this point I feel trapped between two realities: I love my husband and genuinely think he’s a good man, but I am profoundly lonely inside my marriage.
I’m starting to think this is simply my life now.
And maybe that’s the part I wish someone had warned me about years ago, libido incompatibility doesn’t always destroy a relationship dramatically. Sometimes everything else is good enough that you stay while one part of you slowly learns to stop asking.
I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice anymore. Maybe I just needed to say it somewhere people might understand.
Because if you’re early in a relationship and already experiencing this dynamic, please don’t assume love alone will make the incompatibility disappear.
Fifteen years later, I feel like I waited so long for it to change that now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.