TELL ME WHY… do I randomly ruminate about past negative memories and then get triggered??? Am I the only one?
I’ll lay out the scenario.
Alright, so today was my day off. I decided to “treat myself” and participate in something other than bed rot for once. Not doing anything crazy this time. Just decided to draw since I haven’t done it in years.
I decided to pull out a sketchbook. A few pencils. Maybe get fancy with a few markers. I put on my favorite music and lock tf in.
In fact, I was so locked in that I didn’t realize that my drawing (2 eyeballs) ended up being lopsided and abstract. Yes, that is the mild way to say that my drawing ended up being shit, but that’s not the point.
The point was that 5 minutes into locking in, while listening to a happy song I suddenly remembered random negative memories of my past. The type of memories that made my body recoil and make my heart beat rapidly. It came so suddenly and intensely that I am always taken aback. I felt every emotion and I remembered it so vividly. It felt like I’m reliving the moment right there.
This happens multiple times a day and tends to happen anytime I am within a silent environment or happy environment. I could be in the happiest mood but suddenly a triggering memory occurs spontaneously and my mood changes for the entire day. It will disrupt my entire outlook on life and then very suic*** thoughts occur.
When the memories appear (if I don’t actively distract myself) I will spiral and get paranoid. The rumination will last for days, weeks, and months if I cannot stop the thought on the spot. This will lead to more aggressive/ anxious behavior and mood swings. Then emotional outbursts and tears. These behaviors tend to amplify more if I’ve had a particular increase in stress.
All of this I recognized only today and I feel confused why this happens… does anyone else have similar reactions? Or am I just mentally more unstable than I thought? Feel free to share. 🤷♀️