The search for balance
I am a 21 years old female. Most of the time, when someone approaches me with marriage proposals and when I'm conversing with them, like when getting to know them, I feel suffocated.
All the brothers have their lives together, things that make them happy. They are practicing and well educated too. Though they say, "I will help my wife with her interests, this and that," they don't really behave like that. I feel like I have little room to grow as an individual. I don't really know how to put my feelings into words. I have no issue with my future partner leading the family. In fact, I do want someone to lead. I am tired of being hyper independent, but I never asked to be chained.
Often I feel like all the things that make me happy don't actually matter. I don't want my identity to be only someone else's wife, as I have as much soul as them, nor do I want to be treated as mere property when I am a human just like them. I have a broad mind. I am the kind of person who isn't scared to speak up when necessary, who will go out of my way to defend someone. I always run into problems because of that, and I have opinions of my own. I always imagined that my future partner will look at me as a person, not as a rebellious lady who is not easy to control. That we will help each other to grow and respect each other's perspectives. But unfortunately, I don't find the reality the same way.
I am a practicing Muslimah, and I know the rights of a husband. I have no issue with that. But Prophet Muhammad SAW never really asked his wives to shrink. All the women had their opinions. They questioned and defended when necessary. And somehow they make me feel like I am sinful for that or crazy to ask for it.
Our community is so heavily culturally influenced. I am already getting a lot of hate for not being the same. I don't want to fight for my rights and voice even after marriage, God forbid, nor do I want to raise my future children in such environments. I would rather not get married.