Hard as hell lately
I’ve been about a month without a NEW vape…I have old ones that are burnt as shit that I’ve been using every now and then when the cravings get really bad. I can’t bring myself to throw them away yet and even if I did want a new vape or other less harmful options, I can’t get them. I have maybe 1$ to my name right now. It’s not only the fact like “yeah I’m quitting because I want to and could buy one, but won’t.” But it’s also knowing that even if I DID say “I’ll just go get one more vape and be done” I simply can’t. It’s not even an option. It’s more of a helpless feeling rather than me truly feeling good about quitting. And it makes me want to go get a new one after I do get money again simply because idk my brain is not believing it’s a real and healthy choice, but instead being forced onto me by financial reasons. I wish I had never ever started this habit all those years ago.
I do know how bad it is and how much better I would feel if I completely stopped, but even doing that for a short period feels like hell. It’s in my mind 24/7. And I mean 24/7. I can’t imagine a world where I don’t vape and that makes me feel disgusted and angry with myself. I’ve been trying to just move on and not think about it and be better but it’s so so so so hard. Idk if I can fully commit…to those who manage to quit youre all so strong and inspiring. But I don’t believe I can fully commit ever to quitting this addiction.
And don’t get me wrong, I am trying to quit..really trying, but this is all my brain is thinking about and telling me. Idk how to escape this mindset and situation.