Time for me to admit my problem
Hey all, hope you are doing well. I want to share my story of how my MD started and how it evolved, and I will try to keep it not way too long.
So, I'm 17 and I have been struggling since 14. In 9th grade I got accepted into a very prestigious prep school in the US (im international) got well over 130k of scholarships for 3years, but my parents were not able to afford the rest. But for about 3-4 weeks it was set, that in few months I will be moving to the other side of the world alone. So, I started practicing my interviews and how I will introduce myself to different people, and my imagination began growing. I did this, as I have said, for the 3-4weeks, that time + my parents telling me I aint going for causes I could not have affected = developing MD. And fate had it that I'm on the spectrum, but chose to not get diagnosed on paper, and I am also schooled at home online due to having individualized advanced programs at a US school. And the learning is asynchronous, meaning aint nobody gonna crawl up my behind pressuring me to do schoolwork, it is all on me.
And let me tell you I have zero issue with learning FFS I LOVE TO LEARN BUT MD IS RUINING ME FROM THE CORE.
At 15 I started travelling to study quantum mechanics to a diff country at a university, and the whole 6hr ride there and 6hr ride back I would just daydream. Then I would come home and I would daydream.
The shittiest most hard to understand part about it all is that I have friends, I have social life when I want (though I prefer closer circles fewer people), I have an amazing mum, I go to my dream school, I have life full of passion for what I do, I actively pursue advanced stem/engineering projects especially aerospace I love rockets and planes. I also love learning about American history and government, about world geography and how different civilizations viewed science and what environmental/religious/etc factors might have led them to that belief. BUT I CANNOT EVEN GET INTO IT WITHOUT SPIRALING INTO PRETENDING I AM INTERVIEWED, GIVING SPEECH, OR ADVICE. I EVEN TALK ABOUT MY MD STRUGGLES AND HOW I OVERCAME IT - WHILE TALKING TO A WALL.
I also have this thing, I focus more when I have pressure on my feet, so whenever I'd be trying to figure sum difficult out, I would stand on my toes/like in heels. And then my close people ask HOW CAN YOU WALK IN HEELS SO WELL? WELL TRY WALKING BACK AND FORTH ON YOUR TOES WHILE GOING THROUGH VIVID IMAGINATIONS OF SOLVING WORLDS MOST COMPLEX MYSTERIES. I kid you not my feet look like I have been working a finance job where I have to wear Louboutins 12hr a day, meanwhile I stay at home for the majority of the time wear 2-3 pairs of socks at once because my feet, hands, ears, and nose get cold asf.
I just daydream, loose track of time, start feeling physically dirty, feel the need to shower, I shower and then I fall asleep, and the pattern repeats itself. It has made me cry so hard so many times - I know this is gonna sound like I'm trying to make myself appear smart or what, but trust that is not my intention - my brain, mind, thinking is my key, I am no one without my passion and my passion is non existent without thinking deeply. But how can I focus on thinking deeply when it nearly always spirals down to MD? I just do not know. And it makes me so fked up. I just want this cursed circle to end. Because how the hell have I managed to let my own mind stop me from being me, and control me.
I went to therapist, never told her about MD, we focused on other things, she analyzed me or something, and came up saying that well since I am in the field (physics) and given my childhood experiences she can conclude that I am a highly introspective and hence self-aware person, that is why even when I ask for advice, no one is giving it to me, because they either dont want to get involved, or they just have no idea what i am talking bout.
If anybody was in a similar boat please share your input, if yall have any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. I want to escape this because it making me feel shit which is not good for my productivity and even the basic life tasks are made difficult for my brain.