I’m tired
Hi all, this is my first post, anything helps
My family is messed up and I’m getting childhood ptsd or something
Even though I have two parents, they are clearly not meant for each other, aka different values and personalities and ideas for how to raise children. My mom is basically both the “father” and “mother” of the house, in terms of family roles. No siblings.
My dad is very hardworking and disciplined (engineer) and provides money for the family, but I think he has mental health issues that should have been addressed twenty years ago. It’s hard to describe. Basically every time I got involved in something, ex swimming when i was age 3-14, he would be obsessed with it. About me. Like to the point where he would watch swimming yt videos past midnight , sometimes the same video, over and over again, analyzing every detail. I feel guilty because I know how much he wants me to succeed, but it’s making both of us go crazy. I’ve quit swim- (I’ve never had interest in the sport btw, I wanted to quit a long while ago, but I was relatively good at it). The same pattern happened when my dad first met my mom. His “obsession” made my mom quit archery. This happened with me skiing as well. And now that college is looming overhead, he is now obsessed with me going to medical school. As a kid I wanted to become a doctor... But I can’t help but feel like he’s making me lose my interest in it. He always insists on doing things his way, or it’s “wrong” and I’m taking a “bad risk”.
He gave me a lot of anxiety when I was younger and I think the post-trauma affects are here. When we drove back from my swim class, I had to use my mom’s phone and pretend to be on call with her so he wouldn’t scream too loudly. When I plugged my ears he would force me to remove my hands or he would stop the car. Sometimes he would threaten to leave me on the side of the road, which he actually did one time. (He did swerve around after a while). Then he would buy something I liked at the time as an apology, like a my little pony or shopkins or whatever. Then money. So now, I don’t really hold value for any material objects. I would feel guilty because he would buy me things to compensate. And of course you had the classic “you’re not my daughter“ (age 4) (how do i still even remember ?) and cussing sessions and the “you’re worthless” comments. According to him, if I don’t become a doctor I can just “be nothing”. Everything feels like a transaction.
He often yelled at me everywhere and he would sometimes just walk off. And as a kid, I just stood there and cried like an idiot. And he always uses money as a threat, still to this day. I forgot to mention he is very stingy, but he was even worse back then. I don’t get it. At his age, he would retire and chill, but no, he always thinks its not enough and keeps saving. Like when is he going to actually use the money ?? I feel bad. My mom hinted that he is pretty wealthy
I don’t know how to describe how terrifying he was to me as a kid, but it feels like your stomach is constantly tied up in knots. Anyways he was verbally and psychologically abusive but he never laid a finger on me thanks to my mom. I had the feeling he wanted to, though. He was supported and loved by his family growing up, but his dad was abusive to him.
I can’t say I hate him but I don’t exactly love him as a father either. Yes, we had a few happy moments. He also hurt my mom in numerous ways that I won’t get to. My mom is genuinely a saint and strong. Her family is incredibly abusive but they live in their home country. They also make it so that if I don’t succeed, they were “right” about my mom all along. My mom said she regrets being with my dad, but we can’t just leave him because we don’t have the money. The house was a pigsty before my mom finally had enough and was forced to clean up everything. It’s still messy because of my dad but not that bad, but we’ve never invited people over to our house
For context, I do think I am a decent student. I have a 4.0 and in my freshman year I took AP Bio, AP Precalc, AP world, zero hour, and extracurriculars. My school is pretty competitive I’m often regarded as a smart kid
My friends say I am a very empathetic person and kind, but I feel really cold inside and I hate myself for some reason. I live in a first world country and I’m not starving, so i don’t know. I’m not happy. I sh
I’m tired I feel like life is worthless
I toned down things for this post or it would sound really edgy. I didn’t add all the details