I (26M) overheard my girlfriend (26F) call me an “experiment.”
I honestly still feel numb writing this. I'm a 26 year old male that has been living in London for 3 years now.
I’m not from the UK originally. I moved here around four years ago for a master’s degree (Hull). During that time I met a group of friends through classes and eventually met my girlfriend, who’s american and was studying abroad for her own master before finding work here too.
We clicked ridiculously fast. Same humor, same hobbies, same weird taste in movies, all of that. We started dating not long before I finished my degree, and after graduating I got sponsored through work and stayed here.
We’ve been together for three years now.
Important context because it matters to the story: I’m a trans man. I told her on our second date because I didn’t want surprises or weirdness later. At that point I’d already had top surgery and was saving up for bottom surgery.
She reacted… honestly perfectly. No weird invasive questions, no performative “omg you’re so brave,” none of that. She just kind of accepted it and moved on. At the time that meant everything to me because I’d had bad experiences before, people that freak out, or that start with this weird behavior that makes you very uncomfortable. But with her, it was just like sharing another little thing that made me, well, myself.
Our relationship always felt stable. We moved in together a year ago. We split rent and bills evenly. We had routines, shared friends, inside jokes, plans for the future, you know, normal couple stuff.
And yes, before anyone asks, intimacy was normal too. I’ve always had insecurities about my body and she knew that, but she never made me feel unwanted. Last year I finally had bottom surgery after years of saving, money I had since before I even came to the UK. It genuinely changed my life. I was happier than I’ve ever been.
She seemed happy too, for me. We adapted surprisingly quickly and things honestly felt good between us afterward, which is why what happened yesterday completely destroyed me.
I came home early from work because my shift got cut short. I was actually in a good mood. I planned to catch up on some paperwork and maybe ask her out to dinner later.
When I walked in, she was in the kitchen talking to someone with her AirPods in. She has this awful habit of basically becoming deaf when she’s wearing them, so she didn’t realize I was home.
At first I wasn’t paying attention. Then I heard my name.
She laughed and said, “Don’t be mean to OP, he’s sweet.”
I don’t know why I stopped, but I did.
Then she started talking about my surgery. Saying she honestly didn’t think she’d “make it this far.” Saying she didn’t know what to expect getting into a relationship with me and that it was “way weirder” than she thought it would be.
Then she called me an experiment.
Literally said she still viewed the whole relationship as “an experiment” and that she was “curious to see how it goes.” At one point she said she honestly feels more like she’s “observing a weird thing” than dating a boyfriend.
And she laughed while saying it.
I can’t even explain the feeling properly. It was like every insecurity I’ve ever had hit me all at once.
Because if I’m honest, there were things over the years that bothered me. Sometimes she’d compare me to cis men in weird ways. Sometimes she’d ask questions that felt less like curiosity and more like she was mentally “studying” me. A few times she made comments in front of other people that genuinely made me panic she was about to out me.
Every time I brought it up she apologized and stopped, so I convinced myself I was overreacting.
Now I feel stupid.
I left before she saw me, and walked around for hours. Ended up sitting alone at some random pub trying to figure out whether the last three years of my life were even real to her.
What hurts most is that I genuinely loved her. I was planning to propose sometime next year. I already had savings mentally divided between a ring and us eventually buying a place together.
We were literally talking this week about upgrading to a bigger apartment once our lease ends in two weeks.
Now I’m sitting here realizing I don’t even want to touch her, or look at her. I feel disgusted with her and with myself. I can't stop thinking about her each of these years touching me just to feel how weird it would be.
I came home really late last night after she was asleep and stayed on the couch. Today I’ve barely spoken to her. I know she must sense something is going on.
But honestly? I don’t think I even want a conversation. I don't want to hear a try to explain herself, or a lame excuse to justify what I heard with my own ears.
Maybe that makes me immature, I don’t know. But I feel so deeply humiliated and used that I genuinely don’t see a point. I don’t think there’s an explanation on earth that would fix hearing your partner describe you like a science project.
So my current plan is:
-keep interactions minimal for the next two weeks
- wait for the lease period to end
- pack my stuff
- disappear
I can afford it. My job pays well now and I have decent savings because unlike her, I’m pretty strict with money.
The other thing is… before all this happened, I’d been looking at jobs in Australia. It’s kind of been a dream of mine for years, and there’s currently a skilled visa pathway for my field. Every time I seriously considered applying before, she convinced me to stay.
Now I’m thinking maybe I should’ve gone the first time.
Especially because Reform winning here has honestly made me feel less secure long-term as a trans person in the UK anyway.
So now I’m considering blowing up my entire life and leaving the country within the year.
I don’t know if ghosting someone after three years is cruel. Maybe it is. But right now I feel like if I sit down and listen to her explain herself, I’ll just lose whatever self-respect I still have left. And the single thought of remaining beside her for more time completely repulses me in a way I had never felt ever before.
TL:DR: I overheard my (26 f) gf of 3 years saying she sees me like an experiment. I plan to leave, though I don't know if it's right.