u/Acrobatic_Act7531

I currently have a start date of May 25 for a PHP program. My original personal timeline was June 1 but after my final intake assessment they wanted me to start earlier (I could start as early as May 20/21). I'm still seeing my nutritionist and therapist and they both obviously want me to start ASAP. They are both being incredibly firm because I'm going against medical advice. Logically I know that starting earlier is the right decision. I just can't let go of the feeling that I'm out of control with people pushing me to do this sooner and I'm panicking about it because I "don't want to be told what to do". I was a teenager the last time I went through ED treatment and now I'm in my late 20s so my brain is wanting to take advantage of the "power" I have as an adult to actually make my own choices, even though my decisions and choices are being tainted by the ED. Anyone have thoughts or advice on how to let go of this power trip? My therapist couldn't convince me today.

I've been posting a lot lately because I haven't had an environment to discuss any of these things so I appreciate everyone being here.

Does anyone else have a big fear of c&s? I haven't really done it much (just once in my current relapse of behaviors) but there's something in me that feels like I have to restrict instead of that because somehow it's horrible and I'm going to gain weight (even though I didn't the last time I c&s a decent amount of food). But I also have a desire to do it because I want to taste the food so I'm feeling very conflicted about it all. What are other people's experience with this?

I'll be going on FMLA sometime within the next few weeks to a month so I've been letting my coworkers know that I'll be gone at some point soon. I have a small team and we're pretty close and talk about personal stuff. I've found myself sharing the reason for going on FMLA (doing PHP for my eating) and I'm very mad at myself for doing that because sometimes we'll have snacks or treats in our team meetings and now I feel like it will be weird if I don't eat something because enough of them know

(rather than being able to make up a lie like I had a big breakfast). We'll be having some treats for a birthday in a couple weeks and I won't be gone by then so I'm super anxious because I can't not eat anything because I'll be super embarrassed but also freaking out about eating any of it. I'm not sure why I'm telling people but I feel like it goes against what my ED wants which is stressing me out.

First time posting in this subreddit, sorry it'll be a little long. I've recently fallen back quite a bit in my ED and it's different than any other time in my adult life. As a teen I was diagnosed with bulimia and did residential then IOP. I started nutritional counseling finally last year and had some small behaviors come up but relatively doing well. A month and a half ago I started restricting and it's gotten much worse during that time to the point my nutritionist told me that I need to get assessed for an IOP. I did the first assessment and the woman said a minimum of PHP is what they would likely recommend. I totally see that my behaviors are pretty bad but I'm not UW which makes me feel like an imposter and not sick enough for needing treatment. I've lost a "clinically significant" amount of weight according to my nutritionist but this still feels dramatic since I started at a high enough weight that I'm not UW. My binge urges have drastically increased recently which makes me feel totally out of control so I've b/p occasionally throughout this time when I "can't control myself" but today I tried c&s which I tried a few times as a teen which didn't help. But now I'm deeply paranoid that that's gonna make me gain weight because it was a decent amount of food even though I didn't swallow any actual bites of food... It's making me not want to eat the small dinner I originally planned on eating. Hoping that I can calm my mind soon