u/ActionGrouchy258

So on Friday 26th June, id just come out the shower, lotionsd up and still starkers. I had just drained my PD fluid for the evening, so was feeling light and chirpy! I was getting ready to go out and party with some friends and my husband! Double date vibe! I had one eyelash on, about to do the other and my music was bumping in the background.

What came next changed my life!

My music stopped and I heard my phone vibrating, a call.
I ran over to my phone and didn’t recognise who it was, it said Maybe Anna, I just thought that’s weird, why is my work colleague calling me. Then I noticed the landline number and was super confused. It wasn’t spam, as I had spam called blocked.

So I picked up….

“Hello, it’s Anna, the kidney transplant co-ordinator, am I soaking with ActionGrouchy?”

I froze, tears welled up in my eyes.

“Yes, it’s me”

“We have a kidney for you!”

I bawled out crying, asking if it was a joke and ran to our bedroom. My husband, who was getting ready was also playing his own music, turned to me and was immediately worried? “What’s wrong??!!!”

I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t hear Anna, I was so lost and happy and feeling a whirlwind of emotions, all I could do was hand him the phone and say speak to her.
He picked up the phone and Anna told him the news, after about 10 mins of conversation, laughter and kind words, the call ended with “Get to the hospital for 8pm”.

Here I was, a butt naked, unprepared, mess on the floor crying, but having the best day of my life 😭

Anyway fast forward and I’m now 6 days post op….and the high has really warn off!

I’m happily back home after 5 days on the ward, but mentally I cracked at day 3.
Everything makes me cry, my heart beats faster now and I can feel it all the time, I find myself just staring into the distance aloof. I’m hot one moment, then freezing another, bloated and always feel like I have something, or a bubble in my throat. The most annoying thing is how aware I am of the kidney, I breathe, I feel it, I sit, I feel it, I cough, I feel it. It’s not an extension of me, it just feels so foreign! I hope my kidney just disappears into my body, as right now I feel like I don’t recognise myself, I know it’s silly as it’s a major change, I feel so ungrateful for how I feel.

I guess I truly just didn’t know what to expect, and I’m kind of struggling. I’m usually a YOLO girl, never negative, always open minded! But this has winded me.

I had SLE for 16 years, which caused lupus nephritis. I lived a good life tbh. I never stopped doing things I loved, barely had restrictions on food and drink. I went on the list in June of 2024 and I only started PD in November 2024, when I dipped to 6 EGFR. My exchanges were even minimal, 2 a day with breaks between.

But this new me just feels sad a lot of the time. I want to be happy about this transplant as I can really start life now, but I just don’t feel happy anymore.

I’d just like to hear some happy experiences, even if they start off terrible. What did you do to mentally feel yourself again ? My body is recovering, but my mind feels lost at sea .

It’s 1:57 where I am. I’m so lost I don’t even know what to feel. I’ve cried, laughed and cried more. In 6 months I’ve lost two of my babies under 1 years old. I’ve had cats all my life, with my oldest turning 12 this year.

In Jan of this year I lost my fluffy boy KING, to a car. He was always sprinting out the door, I blame myself. Now my second kitten, OJ I’ve had to make the decision to send across the rainbow bridge in the morning. After months of trying to figure out what was wrong with him, we finally received some type of prognosis, and it was TERRIBLE.

I don’t want to get into detail, but in the long and short is he wouldn’t be able to breathe. I couldn’t imagine that pain and decided to book him in while he was still capable of breathing, so he could go peacefully.

I have NEVER had to put a cat down and it’s killing me. I physically feel nauseous and cry and then go into bouts of insanity, what if I give him this, or try that, fly him there or do this? In reality nothing will save him.

The crazy thing that’s scaring me is I’m trying to fill the void and he hasn’t left yet. I begun scouring the web for a kitten I could adopt. For God sake I still have 4 perfectly fine cats who need me. I feel so selfish and crazy, but that’s my thought process right now, give the love to another cat.
But why can’t I just give that extra love to my 4 remaining cats? So now I’m asking myself if I needed to feel needed. OJ depended on me and I would have moved planets and solar systems for him if it meant he would survive. I’d do the impossible.

I just don’t know how to cope knowing I’ve planned this for him. He’ll wake up tomorrow not knowing what will happen. I feel sick and disgusted with myself.
I just want to go to sleep for some months or a year or two to give myself a deep reset. To rewire my feelings. If the earth asked to swallow me whole right now, I’d accept, but thank the stars, my husband has been my rock. And I still need to be there for my other 4 fur babies.

I’m no longer religious but I like to think that KING is waiting patiently for OJ. His brother. But then I get upset and wonder if they know how much I loved them? Would they want to come back to me? And there’s the insanity again

I just wish cats could talk so I could get a sign.
Tell me if I’m making the right choice, tell me he’s ok with what I’ve chosen. Anything. Tell me I don’t need to be this lost and hopeless and sad and everything negative.

Sorry this is all a jumbled mess of feelings. I dont know if anyone relates. But in reality i hope you never have to