u/ActualAssociation184

For me it's a very special anime i watched when i was a kid. Been thinking about it recently, but sometimes i avoid it because the feelings i get from it are so strong, it overwhelms me and gives me this deep pit in my stomach. I think part of me still mourns that it ended, I have such a deep attachment to characters and human relationships in that story, I still miss them, or wish they'd never grow old. I am stuck in this human realm and can never be as close as I'd like to be to my favourite series. It's almost bad for my health, but it's so precious to me in a thousand ways. I wish it could be my comfort place, I wish I didn't think so deeply about it, the way others can watch their fav comfort show and relax and unwind. I don't know why I have to take it so seriously, to the point i'm on the floor sobbing over a beautiful scene or imagining the characters grown up. I guess I have a lot of attachment issues and a bit of OCD about the passing of time. No one understands this behaviour, to most this probably sounds crazy. Maybe someone out there can relate?

There's a lot of political injustice in my area atm and I'm trying to help where I can, but anyone who's ever dabbled in this stuff will quickly realise its a thankless up-hill battle. the systems are too corrupt for anything to make a difference and you have to put in tremendous effort, time, blood sweat and tears for small movement. the ratio of effort to result has such a gap, its almost not worth it. still, like all of us here, i just feel so much rage at injustice and WHY WHY things are like the way they are. how dare bad people get away with cruel and terrible things. I get consumed by it and because of that slim chance of making a difference, i can't stop even though i feel it's bad for my health, being surrounded by this negativity all the time, the dismissive people in power and money and another big one is trolls and rage baiters, who always love to add themselves into an already difficult battle. You have to wade through all of that to the goal, but my brain is not equipped for that.

I get hyperfocused on the wrong thing, replying to trolls who only drain your energy and waste your time. I feel all the feelings and emotions instead of being slightly detached to do my job. this puts me in burnout and I feel overwhelmed and angry all the time. I'm unable to not take everything to heart. the failures hit extra hard. I'm also terrible at balancing this work with my normal life, it feels so important, but i'm ruining myself and my usual life in the process. My whole life I've never been able to live a balanced life and have priorities, so there's no way I was going to with this work. But the worst part is teh rage I feel when I'm doing this work. Everything I've mentioned just makes me more and more angry, I can feel it in my body and I'm just realising how bad this must be for my health.

Being constantly angry also brings back other moments of anger and I find myself hyperfocusing and spiralling into vicious monologues in my head about personal betrayls and poor treatment of the past. It's like it dredges everything up (I haven't had a very good life), things I was mostly over, it all just comes abalze inside of me and I get so angry I can barely breathe. It's like I associate the wrong-doers with the evil people of my past but also every slight arrogance or selfishness i come across in present life.

I'm so fed up I see these awful people in the guy tail-gating me on my way to work when ive never cared before, i see them in my annoying neighbour because it's more evidence of people not caring for anyone but themselves, just hurting other people (me) for their own benefit. I see it when my brother doesn't answer my texts after 3 weeks when im trying so hard to maintain our relationship.

sorry, I don't know why im here. i know the obvious answer is to distance myself from this work, because i will never not be angry about it, but i really don't want to let go for fear of something awful happening if i don;t fight, knowing i could've made a difference.

thoughts? relatable to anyone? any advice welcome.