Husband wants to start a family and enmeshment trauma is resurfacing
I (31f) only learned about enmeshment recently and I feel like it describes very well what I and my brother went through as children/ teenagers. We were raised by a single dad and looking back, I think the main issue was his extreme overprotection/enmeshment and infantilisation of us.
I guess one of the more extreme examples would be that he gave us a baby bottle every morning till we were in our teens. Anytime we’d criticise it/revolt, he would guilt trip us and play the victim. We had a strange living set up where we all slept in the same room, for a few years even on the same mattress. An own room or own bed for us children/ teens was never encouraged. He drove us to school every day, picked us up for lunch, took us back afterwards, and collected us again in the afternoon. When I started earning money through summer jobs, having my own bank account was discouraged. We weren’t allowed mobile phones until our late teens (around 2012). My mother was completely absent during my teenage years due to severe mental health issues so my dad raised us alone. I guess he tried his best but I always felt a bit like I grew up in a glass dome.
Even now, I feel like haven’t managed to completely break free. I still live in the same house as him, however on a different floor than him, together with my husband who moved in 6 years ago. The house is my dad’s property and we don’t have to pay rent. My dad is happy that we are there, so that he isn’t alone (he is already 80years old). The past few years I was fine with this set up, but I feel very distant to my dad, and always tense up when he is around. My husband gets along with him fairly well and surely is very glad about the setup because he is still studying and doesn’t earn yet.
Now I’m in a bit of a dilemma and I feel like I might have some sort of trauma from my upbringing, and it is resurfacing now.
My husband wants to start a family as soon as possible and thinks it would make sense to do so while we’re still living here, mainly for financial reasons. While I have a steady job, he is still studying and he feels it would be helpful to have support from our parents, both practically and financially. My dad would be more than willing to help. But something in me STRONGLY resists that idea. I don’t want to rely on my dad’s money to start a family, and I’m already uncomfortable with the thought of raising a child under the same roof as him. To me it somehow feels fucked up (like almost kinda incesty? I can’t even reasonably describe this feeling, but I am sure it has to do with the enmeshment I experienced as a kind and teen.)
I know that moving out will absolutely shatter my dad.
So not really sure what to do. Husband is making pressure to start soon. From outside perspective it might be reasonable to stay in this living set up for financial reasons. Also, the apartment is beautiful, good location etc. but I feel like there is a screaming voice inside of me that would want me to experience motherhood as far away as possible from my dad.
Can anyone relate to this feeling?
I am not quite sure what to do.