u/Actuary_Scratch8

I'm especially interested in hearing from dads who became primary caregivers after separation or who navigated major disagreements about having children.

My wife and I have a wonderful 2.5-year-old daughter. She is the light of our lives.

My wife is currently about 23–24 weeks pregnant with our second child, a boy.

The problem is that we want completely different things.

I desperately want this baby.

My wife wants to terminate the pregnancy.

She has told me she believes our marriage is fundamentally broken and that she doesn't see a way back. She says she wants to become her own person again, build her career, have financial independence, have friends, and not spend the next several years raising another child.

She recently completed a Medical Office Assistant program after working very hard for it, completed her practicum, and finally feels like she has an opportunity to build a career. She says that while my career continues to progress, hers has repeatedly been put on hold because of children, and she doesn't want to become financially dependent on me again.

She has also said she simply doesn't want to raise a second child.

From my perspective, I have been trying to solve every practical problem I can think of.

• I have a stable job.
• Our daughter is in daycare and will be starting preschool.
• My mother has offered to come and live with us for an extended period to help raise the baby.
• I have repeatedly told my wife that I am willing to do the majority of childcare outside of working hours.
• I've tried making detailed plans around finances, childcare, schedules, and support.

Unfortunately, none of those things seem to change how she feels.

She has basically told me there are three possibilities:

1. She terminates the pregnancy.
2. She continues the pregnancy, we separate, and I become the primary caregiver for the new baby while we co-parent.
3. If she continues the pregnancy because she feels pressured by me, she believes the emotional damage would permanently destroy any possibility of repairing our relationship.

She says that if she has this baby against her wishes, she will never recover emotionally from feeling that her choice was taken away.

I believe she genuinely feels that way.

At the same time, I already feel emotionally attached to this baby.

I've imagined bringing him home.

I've imagined my daughter becoming a big sister.

I've imagined our family becoming four people.

The thought of losing that future feels unbearable.

Another thing making this difficult is that I don't want my daughter to grow up in a broken home.

I've always believed children benefit from parents working through difficult times together.

My wife believes the opposite—that children benefit more from happy parents, even if those parents are no longer together.

I can understand why she feels that way, but it's incredibly painful because I still wanted us to try.

I'm also struggling with the possibility that if this pregnancy ends, I don't know how I would ever process that grief or what it would mean for my relationship with my wife.

I'm trying very hard not to blame her.

I know she isn't making this decision casually.

I know she's scared of losing herself.

But I'm also grieving someone who, to me, already feels like my son.

So I'm asking people who have actually lived through situations like this:

• Have any of you faced a situation where one parent desperately wanted the baby and the other didn't?
• If your marriage survived, what helped?
• If it didn't survive, what do you wish you'd done differently?
• If you chose separation, how did your children adjust?
• If you experienced grief over an unborn child, how did you eventually find peace?
• Looking back years later, what advice would you give someone standing where I am today?

Please be kind to both of us.

I know people will have strong opinions.

I'm simply trying to understand this situation as honestly as I can and make the best decisions I can for my daughter, my unborn son, my wife, and myself.