u/AdCharacter9519

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hi I'm 16 yr old female . it started 6 years back l , lock down time , i gained a lil weight parents started commenting made more insecure.

in 2021 i started exercising and all i was literally 49 kgs and 12 yr old imagine. i started skipping meals idk what happened after i used to binge eat to run away from my emotion , mom always forced me to finish everything so i never knew how to feel full all i knew was finish the whole plate thing got worse my binge eating worsened i started binging everyday to run away from thing my emotions , skipped meals after that . intermittent fasting worsened it ,tried all kinds of diet from the age of 11-12 . hated my self hated my body, words of my parents made me hate myself more and more although its also kind of my dad fault he used treat me with chocolate every single day all my childhood during lockdown he used to bring one tub chocolates chips and then he used to comment on my body . i loved my dad the most that is why his words affected me the most . my binge eating worsened over time . last year i joined the gym idk but it kinda helped me to get rid of my anger but idk why i started eating till i vomit , i took some melotonin pills too cuz i had a bad sleep shedule too from so many years. nothing helped i had acne, bodydysnorphia,got called selfish for choosing myself for first time when all my life i have just given and cared abt others.

i started starving myself ,i ws eating just 2 eggs everyday for 2-3 monthsduring boards i fainted so many times , in april 2026 first 3 days i lived on coffee and water without any food , 4th day i blacked out i almost died only i know how i got my self up that day i felt like i will die in a few min , i even started writing a note but my hands were shaking so muchh, my vision got blurry the paper got drenched in my tears i just couldn't .

i dont eat with anyone or in front of anyone in last few years , i wait till they go upstairs so that i can eat while watching series. i purge after every binge eating session i feel guilt , self hate, i eat till i vomit every single time last few months got even worse I've been doing this daily ive tried eating more protein whatever the fuck there is to try ive tried nothing works i end up fking everything up , idk why i love to self sabotage so muchh evrytime i get a lil better i get the feeling to sabotage it and not get nothinnnggg fking works, i have also tried starving myself for daysssss without food , fun fact is i love living in starvation mode i feel happy without food i feel light , i get to feel things again i have got numb idk how to feel , i don't have any feelings anymore , i cant feel thing ihave cut myself yo start feeling smthing any kind of emtion but i don't i have burned my self even that doesn't work

i even tried casual relations with people which gave me regret and nothing else , lost myself even more idk who i am anymore

the pressure of losing weight , being perfect

my mom has always played the biggest villan of life