Is this derealization??
I'm autistic and have what I'd describe as complex trauma from experiences I underwent mainly ages 10-12. I don't really know how to word this so sorry if it's a mess. For like two years I've just felt nothing at all, I've got no other way of describing it. It's not depression, I don't feel exceptionally hopeless or unusually suicidal (passive ideation has been a relative constant since I was abt 11), but it's just... nothing? Idk, I don't feel at all emotionally connected to anything or anyone and I'm consumed with so much guilt about it.
My vision's funny even though there's nothing physically wrong with my eyes, even though I've started eating enough and sleeping relatively well it's still persistent. I used to have meltdowns but now I genuinely switch off if anything bad happens, I don't feel anything at all/when I do it feels pointless to externalize it bc within an hour I'll be back to that same numbness. I've looked at derealization, depersonalization, etc, and derealization feels the closest to what I experience, but I feel like such a fraud bc it all feels like something I should be able to snap out of
I think it could be because I used to have incredibly extreme panic attacks (1+ hours minimum) and this is my body's response to it? But I just don't know. I need to speak to a therapist, I have the resources for it, but I'm so scared I'm just going to sound stupid/like I'm making it all up. What I went through doesn't even feel like 'enough' to experience all of this from it all these years on
Sorry bc this has turned into a bit of a vent and kinda doesn't even make sense but I need things to change, but I've got no idea if derealization is even what I'm experiencing, and it's hard to find any good material on the topic