I spent 16 years not knowing I had a daughter.
Me male 22 and female 19 that I will refer to as BM were strangers until I saw her circling me in Walmart and smiling away. I was recently out of a 3 year relationship that absolutely wrecked me but was starting to get back out there casually and started partying some too. We decide to hang out a few times and eventually went on a couple of dates. Nothing real serious but we were both somewhat interested in each other.
I decided I needed to buckle down more and finish college so I moved closer to the college I was going to which was 45 minutes away. Several months go by and we briefly chat online a couple of times and the last time it was to invite me to a party at her friend's house which happened to be the say before my birthday. Party sucked but we get drunk, i was already high before i got there and we banged. The next morning im sober and realize we had sex without a condom. I immediately suggest to go get a morning after pill and she says she will handle it as I had to get to work.
3 or 4 months go by and my roommate hands me his phone and its her on the line to tell me shes pregnant. Over the next month or 2 we discuss options and scenarios on what we are going to do now but with 1 caveat. That caveat was that we get a paternity test as soon as we can and that I wasnt going to pretend to be the dad until I knew. She asked why id ask that and I told her I had heard from trusted sources that I wasnt the only 1 she had been with in that time frame and was told her roommates even said that she had a contest with them on who could sleep with the most people by the end of the semester and how she had baby fever. That got me ghosted for 16 years.
After that last discussion I had moved back to the town she lived and rented a house and got 2 jobs and was ready for the big test. She never called. I stayed for 2 years in that town. I saw her once and waved and she ignored me and went to her car. So after a while I took that as that I had called her bluff. She either wasnt pregnant or knew it wasnt mine. One time I looked her up on fb and saw she had another kid and was with someone so I considered the case closed and felt as though i had dodged a bullet and didnt speak of it again and blocked her.
16 years go by, I have a wife and a new phone number. I get a text from a number I dont know just saying hi. I look it up and see it belongs to her name. I respond back and She immediately jumps into how I've missed so much but not everything and I can still be her dad. Being quite confused by all this I tell my wife about it. We were childless and it had really bothered her so this news really crushed her. We had been married 12 years at this point. So I press yet again for a legit dna test. While we wait for the test results my dad has a heart attack and dies 5 days later. The 6th day I get an I told you so message from her and see in my email the results came back that I was the dad. I ask several times why it took her so long to reach out and she never really has an answer. She sort of has these bs stories that dont justify that behavior. Very very odd. She even told me i was next door at my friend's house when she came home to her parents house after having our kid but didnt feel like dealing with me.
So a week goes by and its the big day to meet my daughter at a football game that she is cheering at. She seemed really excited until we actually got close enough to hug or anything which I wasnt sure was the right move. She was really standoffish. Totally understandable reaction though tbh. We do a little sideways hug and go out for ice cream. She really only had 1 question for me. Why didnt I want her. My response was simple. I never knew you were born. She also tells me her whole life they kept saying that "if i wanted to be there then i'd be there". I Tell her a little bit about the events around that time and all but she doesnt really seem to like my answer. A few months pass and we see each other quite often but her response to the hang outs were a mix bag. I end up having ti miss a couple if basketball games due to my wife's health condition and she also starts bailing on me. The whole time since meeting we texted some but conversations were strained and 1 sided with 1 word responses from her. She even bailed on me for her birthday party she knew about to hang with her boyfriend. Bm of course plays dumb about all this. Finally comes father's day. I was taking a week off so we could get some quality time in. Them BM sends me a long text saying how my daughter no longer wants to see me and is kind of insulting in the message. I call her on speakerphone with my wife. We hash some of the piddly stuff out and then we ask that she doesnt get insulting and that we dont do that to her especially given this is largely her fault too that im just now showing up. She blows up on us and goes nuclear. Ends up telling my daughter that we threatened her. So daughter sides with BM and blocks me on everything. Its been 1 year since I've seen my daughter and it kills me. She graduates in a few days and seeing her from a distance crossing the stage will be the final time I get to see her until she gets wise to her moms stories if that ever happens. Im now 41and obviously much more grown up than I had been. I know I could have reached out too. I know in not being there my daughter was negatively effected in a big and negative way. I also know that with as mean as BM still is that there would have been some major fights along the way. Part of me really wants to go full scorched earth but thatd ultimately destroy everything my girl has for a support system and I know I cant make her believe me. She must choose to and scorching the earth would probably ensure that it would never happen. So it's goodbye for now and many sleepless nights ahead. I wish there was something I could do.