So. Coming clean.
I am a 22 yo, graduated hs went to arng for 12b grad basic no issues get decent factory job when I get out. Had a beautiful loving gf for ab 2 to 3 yrs at this point who i was living with. I was smoking weed occasionally and got kicked out of army for it. Also later lost job due to refusing drug test after I hit rack on a forklift. Also imp to not i have had 2 psychotic episodes from smoking weed 1 was sus but still. I was very depressed and all kinds of other shit. Eventually gets better I get another decent job was actually a few pros of being out of military etc. I was working at rheem. Anyway I find out my gf is pregnant and I am absolutely over the fucking moon. I was terrified, I was excited, and I was working harder than ever. I told everyone man it was great and we named her magnolia, such a beautiful name for my beautiful girl. Let's just skip to where shit really hits the fan tho. I've always had a drug problem. I've always had sleeping problems and mental health is not exactly my strong suit. I had a respiratory infection from smoking some fucked up ass weed and went to doc to get steroids. They made me very irritable and even harder to sleep. This anger increased exponentially each day and each of these days I worked 12hr shifts and made sure to spend some time with my girls. I was getting very crazy and while I wasn't smoking anymore I was still eating edibles. The day before the absolutely horrible incident I had shoved a coworker into a press that was probably half my size by his neck and then uncontrollably crying after and laughing. I apologize and literally bribe his ass with 50 bucks not to say shit. The next break I was putting out cigarettes on my arms and crying more, ripping my hair out and saying my daughter's name. This girl comes up to me and asks if I need help and she did, putting her hand on mine and trying to calm me down. She was very pretty and later only made me feel guilty. I end my shift go home and spout absolute nonsense at my parents otw home (car broke at time) and my girl when I got home. I ended up staying up again and hear voices that God hates me and laughing and I was meant to become the new fucking Satan like dude. I kid you not. I was going full blown batshit and would literally do anything for relief at this point. I proceed to confess like every wrong thing I've ever done in life to my girl including like every chick I've looked at fucking everything man and keep in mind she's late into her pregnancy at this point so she is not handling it the greatest (she is literally the best) and really needs sleep so I let her and I start cleaning the whole house. It was a new apt we moved into abt 2 weeks ago. Our previous house had really bad fucking roaches man like bad bad and they low key gave me ptsd. I started seeing roaches flash across the wall or my skin and try to kill only for them to disappear. Anyway im smoking cigs like crazy and I flush all the steroids down toilet and since work was abt 2 hrs away just chugged coffee. Went to work went better than day before but still pretty fucking bad, couple arguments more crying etc. At lunch they brought a cake out for some fucking reason idk but I catch wind and im like aight (i had literally eaten tuna and crackers every day for lunch here for over half a year)and I eat some it was good even made me smile. I knew a coworker who said he took gaba pentin and it used to make me really sleepy when i abused it b4. So i asked and bought this random ass pill from him but at end of day like 4 people make me take the rest home to my girl bc they all know and it makes me ball in front of everyone and slowly grab it and walk to clock out. I leave and start telling my parents about my day and everything and I really can't remember a lot of this tbh but we were screaming and I needed their help and if I hadn't have told them to fuck off when they wanted to stay to help me what happened next never would've happened. It makes me so fucking beyond sick like I have to tell everyone to warn about this shit. Look I've got no fucking clue what was in that pill. Could've been sugar, could've been fucking quualudes man idfk but my best guess was some stimulant bc I was kinda tweaking out even moree now, I kicked over the handrail by our apt and went inside. The horrors begin. I smoke weed trying to calm down and pace back in forth. She's really worried about me and asked me to sit so I did for a while. I see a huge roach crawl on the wall and stand up to face it and remember screaming "What the fuck are you doing here I did EVERYTHING I killed you over and over" this scares her and she goes to the room my cats are at my feet and im like oh my fucking god thats the immortal roach Satan himself like guys pls don't think im kidding I rly thought that shit at the time and I got the idea my cat could kill him. I point a laser at it and my cat looks back at me. I was like oh my fucking god you understand everything and then the roach disappeared, guys this when it all becomes real fucking fucked. I went to the room she was in and asked her to come stay up with me and she does, I tell her im sorry and keep confessing to her like the other night then the girl that helped me comes up and I confess I had feelings for her. Yall this is hard to go on but I have to finish. It turns into a fight or like I wanted it too idk man she knew I was being crazy but it's really hard to remember past this point. I do remember slamming her to the ground. I was told I struck her but I have no idea how many times or how bad it was. The worst part was for her mentally though like I can never forgive myself I loved her and she loved me for 4 years at this point like she was was my everything and we could always count on each other and we were a really good couple actually even looked up to. I then went outside and lit a cigarette and punched the glass of our neighbors window hard asf (broke hand) and went around looking for cars to steal like yall I've never done this crazy shit before I promise and I can't remember exactly what I was saying but it was like tied to her name and rhymes and I kept like cry chanting it over and over saying im sorry and I was having visions about driving this car off into space or some shit. Anyway cops roll up and im smoking out there and they immediately start questioning me and im just walking away from them I was like begging and telling them not to get close to me but I ended up hitting another female and male cop and got tazed beaten and shot with ketamine. Im not kidding it was the absolute least I deserved. Anyway. I have a lot more to tell about what happened after. I was in psychosis for a while after that of and on but like I couldn't tell what was real like I have so much I have to talk about to try to get better I just want to be able to safely be with my daughter and be able to feel again like I feel so fucking numb... I have to go to bed and stop typing but like dude I have no idea where to post this or anything it's literally my first post and idk what to say.