Am I just traumatized or is this relationship doomed?
Hi!
I'm writing a post here because I need help from people experienced with (ethical) polyamory. My problem is having a traumatizing recent past with infidelity and SA which may be affecting my view of poly relationships. Am I just traumatized or is polyamory not for me?
So I (22F) was together with someone (22F) for 6 years. We started dating very young, at like 16. During that 6 years we became loosely non-mono 2 years into it. This wasn't exactly a poly relationship but a trainwreck of an "open" relationship that worked for a the time being. She didn't mind, wasn't interested in pursuing intimacy outside of our relationship at the time. (The problems with me will be delved into later. I became very jealous and insecure but not under healthy circumstances) I was the one who had a sexual relationship with a close friend which sadly traumatized me because the person ended up assaulting me. I blamed myself for that and saw it best to just continue on without engaging in sex with anyone but my partner. I shamed myself for things I did during that time as I experienced hypersexuality, did some things I wouldn't do normally and hurt myself even more in the process.
Years go by and eventually she brings up the boundaries of our relationship. For most of it it's been like "Yeah fucking and kissing friends is cool!" but neither of us really pursued that. Neither of us really discussed it. SO functionally we had been monogamous with an asterix. When she brings it up she says she wants to explore and wants to know where we are at. I wasn't able to give her an answer at that point. I was extremely uncomfortable with anything related to sex because during that period my abuser had contacted me demanding to talk things through. I was experiencing nightmares, constant shaking and all other horrible things related to sexual trauma. Even thinking about giving boundaries for her felt somehow triggering for me. I just wished I didn't have to think about it. I told my partner that hey I can't think about this right now. She said okay and we would talk about it later.
Well we didn't really..something that was happening at the same time was that she became manic for the first time ever. The change was at first gradual. She started displaying hypersexual behavior that reminded me of myself with my abuser. I was concerned. Her sex therapist encouraged her and she used that against me. She started sexting an internet friend and assumed it was fine with me instead of communicating to me openly. I felt awful and I couldn't even articulate why. I also felt stupid and unfair for feeling hurt about it. She gave me permission to do whatever I wanted so why can't I do that also?
I expressed feeling overwhelmed with everything, our move to another city and her being so obsessed with exploring this "new side of her"(mania induced hypersexuality...didn't know it at the time though) We ended up arguing. I started seeing her disintrest in me immediately. I was emotionally so wrecked by my partner seeming to care more about taking nudes and sexting someone else than idk spending time with me? To her manic mind I wasn't fun anymore... Yeah that was rough. It got worse after our move.
I had given her permission to pursue other people under the condition I get to know them, or meet them a few times. I agreed to do so because (a it was only fair and she made it clear that she thought I was being unfair for asking her to wait until we get settled in the new city and life stabilizes. b) I was afraid to lose her. And I still trusted her, I couldn't see rapid change until she was deep in her episode.
She didn't respect my boundaries, didn't communicate much at all, just told me one day "Oh yeah we fucked yesterday"
The person she cheated on me with was awful to me. Made jokes about me being cheated on by her. Manic and hypersexual, she didn't care. Only cared about fucking this person. I broke up after the second instance of her cheating. She had become someone I didn't know at all. Cold, cruel and manipulative. Someone who just "lost feelings" all of a sudden. I still lived with her for months, going through awful awful emotional torture with living with someone unrecognizable who had known me the best out of everyone. Who loved me so so so deeply for years that it was never a question. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. Eventually finding out it was mania it helped just a little but it didn't shield me from everything she said and did even if I tried to not take it personally.
Eventually she got diagnosed, medicated and comes down from her mania. I had moved, almost cut ties with her. I saw her for what was supposed to be "the last time" to talk about things when she had come down from it and for anyone who hasn't been close to someone with manic episodes....the change is insane. It's like switch has been flipped, you can see it in their eyes, movement, speech... everything. And obviously, after hurting me so badly she was crushed with guilt. She took accountabilty, apologized, and after we talked and I asked her how she felt about me she said she still loved me. I basically got everything I could have wished for.
We obviously haven't jumped back into a full on relationship. But after months of slowly building trust again we have begun "seeing eachother. She's medicated, stable and working through trauma she collected from all the stuff she ended up doing during mania, and obviously trying to come to terms with the stuff she did. So even though I spent a long time explaining what happened during her mania I don't want people to speculate on the kind of person she is or is not. I've known her for 6 years and know who she is out of mania. This post is ultimately about how it all affected me regardless of the reasons why it happened.
Now to the problem I have. One thing that she has figured out during our time apart/as she's been stable is that she thinks actual polyamory, actual relationships with multiple people, not just kind of dubious friends with benefits is something she wants in the future. She has began to research ethical polyamory, has befriended more poly people in real life that has helped her reach this conclusion. She says she doesn't want hierarchy. She recommended that I research more about polyamory because she very clearly stated that what she did, that was not polyamory. And well like I said we weren't poly, we were open ish in away that made me give her a lot of grace when she didn't deserve it.
Which means if we were to get in a relationship in the future again the relationship model would be very different from what we had for years.
Still I don't know how I feel about that. Right now the idea of polyamory in a relationship I would be in almost disgusts me. It's awful to say but like idk it makes me have such a visceral reaction I don't think I would have had when we were both stable. Like if we had actually tried a proper, healthy communication including poly relationship style with actual respect for everyone involved years before maybe I wouldn't have felt this way. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't lived through months of her discarding me. It destroyed my self esteem, my self worth which is why I'm in therapy.
I have this feeling which I know is wrong and I no way actually rationally think this but when I see people explain their polyamorous relationships and they say they're happy it's so hard for me comprehend that I feel like it's fake. Like they're just pretending. I know it's not true. I mean this whole community is proof that obviously polyamory can be wonderful, fulfilling and loving. I just don't know if it's for me.
I love her so much still, I wish I could be in a relationship with her again. I miss it. She does too. She's been a part of my life for so long. I lived with her for 4 years. But at the same time I don't know if during the months I just got so used to being given scraps and forcing myself to be fine with whatever she wanted that anything feels like an improvement. I don't know if it's what I want and I don't know if my negative feelings come from being hurt deeply or if I'm just simply not built for polyamory. If the latter is the case than we will both obviously have to let go and move on. I just wish I didn't have to.
Thank you to anyone who reads this messy wall of text. English is not my first language....