I Attempted And Now My Fear Is Worse Than Ever
I'm tagging this as NSFW due to the fact I'll be talking about suicide.
This past Saturday, the ninth, I took several extra strength Tylenol pills in an attempt to kill myself. I luckily did not take a lethal dose, but came rather close, and was admitted to the hospital followed by a five day stay in a mental hospital.
I appreciate my life much more than I ever have, but now, ever since my stay at the mental hospital, I find myself fearing death more than I did before. A few weeks ago I freaked out severely. I've panicked before but that time was the worst.
I cried, I felt the anxiety in my head, my stomach churned, I felt clammy. Not even my worst panic attacks have gotten like that.
Being in the hospital made me feel as if I was wasting precious time, that I needed to be living my life and having meaning. I wanted to be in school. This is my final week of highschool, and I missed it. I'm a senior and I graduate soon, in seven days, the twenty first.
An era of my life, all I have known is ending, and it's terrifying. The one thing I had going for me is leaving and I will never get it back. I'm legally an adult. I will never be a child again. I don't feel grown up, I'm severely underprepared. I'm only eighteen and I'm scared out of my mind.
I understand I have at least sixty, seventy, or even eighty more years of life if I'm lucky, but I'm still terrified of when that day comes. I know it won't be for a long time, but what if my life flies by? These last few months have and what if the rest of my life is spent this way?
I used to be religious, Christian to be exact, and while I know it's selfish, I long for the comfort of holding onto a heaven, an afterlife guaranteed. I long to have the comfort of knowing I will live on and I simply will not wake up and will cease to be and will never even know it. I will not know that I have died. I will not have thoughts, dreams, or any brain activity. To know I've been human and I am no longer alive because time has caught up to me and my body horrifies me.
I want to go back to not thinking about this, when I do it being a passing thought, but now I feel plagued by it. The anxiety that makes my head fuzzy, everything feel dream like, that clouds my head rolls in.
I love life and cannot imagine ever wanting to kill myself. I am coming to terms and both refusing the truth. I shouldn't worry about the future yet to come, I have decades ahead of me, but there's a doubt I cannot shake.