My south asian mum is trying to convince me to have kids
Hi guys,
Sorry if I make this overly long but feel like I need to get it out my system. I am 26F south Asian woman. I am about to have an arranged marriage and became really fond of the guy. I haven’t had a chance yet to ask him whether he wants children or not. Of course I plan on asking him this before I decided anything.
My mum was stuck in a marriage with my dad for over 30 years and her life became miserable, they had us kids because they thought the situation between them would become better and change but originally my dad didn’t want kids. They thought if they had children they would start feeling love for each other and any dispute would get resolved. Instead it got worse and dad started to cheat, financially abuse my mum, etc. they never got along for the 30 years and decided to split. So me, my sisters and my mum are living in a new home away from my dad. I found out my dad was cheating when I was 14. my mum and dad would argue every single day and that traumatised us as kids into adult hood. My mum would threaten to SH herself.
I nearly got sectioned and had issues with SH myself as a result of all of this. I am 100% certain I do not want kids. I have felt this way since I was 22 and as time goes on my desire for not wanting kids only get stronger. I do not want to bring kids into a world where they fall victim to my generational trauma. I still have metal health problems. Not as bad but some situations will bring that. I know I will not be mentally stable or strong enough to look after them and love them the way they would want. And that is selfish to bring them up into a world like that. I would not want them questioning why their mother didn’t want them or love them.
Anyways, this topic came up with my mum and I told her I didn’t want kids she asked me why I didn’t. I told her it’s just not something I want and didn’t bother explaining it to her because I knew 100% she wouldn’t understand. She told me I can’t do that and that I have to have a kid. I told her it’s not something I have to do and I will be perfectly fine. She told me I wouldn’t and that even if I didn’t want 3-4 then to at least have 1 so they can look after me when I grow old. I told her that was selfish. To only have kids with the intention of them being carers for you. She told me not to tell the guy I am getting married to that I don’t want kids. We started arguing so I hung up on her.
She then called me back later and asked me for valid reasons on why I don’t want children and then proceeded to ask me if I meant “never have them” or “just for the time being” I lied to her and said “just for the time being” because I know she wouldn’t understand and would try to convince me either way. She got happy to hear of this and said “you scared me for a sec I thought you meant you never wanted them”
Did I do the right thing by lying? I don’t really know how to bring this conversation up with the man I’m supposed to be marrying?