r/Arrangedmarriage

I understand why the mehr exists and I support it, but in certain situations they should be obligated to give it back.

I found out the following about her:

- She had relationships with multiple men in the past, she previously mentioned just one but then admitted her bodycount was higher and although she's not admitted a number, based on what she's said and her actions I can assume it's pretty up there.

- Never used protection with other men and as a result had an abortion previously as well as contracting Herpes.

- Invited a man she barely knew from MuzzMatch to have sex at a hotel she was staying at with her family to "get over her ex".

- Kept sleeping with her ex for years knowing full well he was in a rishta or long term relationships the entire time.

- Has a severe spending problem and is constantly in debt.

- She had gone on holiday with a man she knew for 2-3 weeks because he was paying for it.

- She's sent nudes to every guy she has dated somewhat seriously, at this point there's probably 20 guys out there who have her nudes

- She has an ongoing weed addiction which blew up 1.5 months ago and caused all the issues that lead to divorce.

- She also admitted to doing multiple other drugs in the past including: whippets, cocaine, pills, lsd/ecstacy etc.

- She smokes cigarettes, vapes and even drinks alcohol when she goes out.

- Since I found out all of this, I said I think it's best we end things.

- Before I formally said talaq or had the conversation with her parents etc about initiating divorce I find out she went on a dating app and bought a premium membership to send likes to other men.

- She even stole my engagement ring from my car and admitted this over text.

I've kept this from her family to protect her reputation because I'm not that type of man but I feel like blowing everything up with them now. They have the audacity to say they're not returning anything and acting like they did nothing wrong. They raised an absolute mess of a girl and are claiming now that she's reading namaz for 3-4 days that she's a changed person.

I feel sick to my stomach. My parents gave about £15k in gifts and mehr and are in their 60s with health problems and these people are just happily keeping it with no shame. The mehr included a family heirloom necklace that was passed down for generations. I actually am so angry and feel so sick knowing they can just do this.

This family is just going to move onto the next family that falls for their charm and lies and take mehr from them as well and will again have no remorse. I'm so angry and so helpless. I feel like I've let my parents down even though I've not done anything wrong in this situation.

Curious, I have had few profiles shortlisting my profile on shaadi, I mean if you’re interested send a request else don’t. Isn’t it that simple.
I ignore them, don’t even visit their profile.

Want to know your (Men) intention behind it, if any of you do it.

28M here. Need some honest outside perspective on a recently broken arranged marriage setup that became emotionally serious very quickly.

I’m half Tamil Brahmin and Bengali, she’s 28F Bengali from West Bengal but has been living in Chennai for 10 years. Her elder brother lives in Mumbai. We connected through arranged marriage and things escalated positively very fast over about a month. We met multiple times, our families approved, my mom met her and her brother’s family, and she even delayed flying back to Chennai just so she could spend more time and meet my mother.

She had set her expectations very quickly: that she wanted to get married within 6 months and stay in Mumbai. My mother felt this was going too fast and she even expressed wanting kids within 1-2 years max of marriage which I felt a little uncomfortable about not that I'm against having kids but it's such a huge financial investment.

Emotionally we became very attached. We bonded over music (John Mayer etc.), shared our first kiss, discussed future plans, intimacy, children, her moving to Mumbai after marriage, renovating my grandfather’s house where we’d stay, etc.

Then two major issues happened.

First issue:

One evening after she went back to Chennai, I was extremely stressed from work and venting on a video call. I raised my voice while ranting about work frustrations despite her asking me to calm down. She later told me she didn’t feel emotionally safe and said she couldn’t imagine being married to an angry man. I admitted I do have suppressed anger/rage issues and told her I’m already seeing a therapist for emotional regulation, depression, career stress, etc. I suggested maybe even a joint therapy session later to discuss concerns.

Second issue:

A few days later we had a conversation about surnames after marriage. She said she did not want to take my surname after marriage because she didn’t want to “lose her roots.” I initially said I respected it, but later I overthought it and asked her if she found my surname “repulsive” or embarrassing (my surname is Narayanswamy). She got upset that I interpreted it that way and felt like I was again escalating emotionally and making her uncomfortable. She said this reminded her of the earlier argument and made her fear future emotional conflicts.

There were also discussions around finances, children timelines, and my own anxieties about career stability and not earning enough yet. I’m currently preparing for CFA Level 2 while dealing with career struggles and self-esteem issues after unemployment last year. She reassured me a couple of weeks back she doesn't see my low salary as a hindrance. My mom does have two 2bhk properties - one in Mumbai and Navi Mumbai where i stay currently and things were going fast between us that last week we had interior decorators come to our house and were serious about refurbishing the house.

Last night she ended things saying:

- she doesn’t think she can emotionally meet my needs,

- she feels overwhelmed,

- and she wants her decision respected without attempts to change her mind.

She left the WhatsApp group with my mom and informed both families.

Right now I’m devastated because:

- I genuinely fell very hard for her,

- this was my first serious emotional/physical connection,

- and everything felt incredibly real very quickly.

She also wanted to me to come to Chennai in the new few weeks and even wanted to me to spend a night at her place and then in an Airbnb which i admit i felt a little uncomfortable given how quickly she wanted to be intimate with me and later was emotionally manipulating me suggesting such things will be done only after marriage. I just wonder if the roles were reversed, wouldn't she see this as a red flag?

My questions:

1. Do you think she overreacted too quickly over a couple emotional conflicts this early?

2. Was I wrong mainly because of the anger/intensity/reassurance-seeking?

3. Is mentioning therapy/career insecurity/mental health struggles too much during arranged marriage stage? And should I continue seeing my therapist? My mom wants me to discontinue.

4. Should I completely let go now and respect the boundary, or is there any value in reconnecting after some cooling-off period?

5. For people who’ve been through arranged marriage setups — how much emotional vulnerability is “too much” early on?

6. Part of me wants me to start looking again for prospects again as I don't want to be single for so long. It sucked that I was so emotionally invested so quickly and so was she. But should I wait instead?

Would appreciate honest opinions, including criticism if needed. I'm very devastated right now, I truly believe we were perfect for one another. I’m trying to reflect seriously on this rather than just blame her or myself completely.

spent almost 8 months on another platform, paid for premium, did all the outreach myself, got mostly ignored or ghosted. exhausting doesn't even cover it. after constantly looking for alternatives, i found shaadi premium and attracted specifically because someone else handles the reaching out part. honestly the first few weeks were slow and i was nervous i'd made another expensive mistake but later understood it was necessary for personalization and the difference was that my relationship manager was actually doing the legwork while i focused on work. let's see how this works, i'm happy after 2 months and seeing some value.
Looking for responses from vip shaadi users for guidance and experience

should I mention this as the first thing? to whichever woman I talk?
Honestly speaking I would not like to die alone too, and need a female partner as a companion.
but I am afraid, our intimacy would not be like other couples.

I look good and I am tall and I make good enough 2L a month.
not sure what can I do..

I am not ready for this.. are Lavender marriages actually a thing?

Is Jeevansathi App Down ?

I have been getting some pressure from my folks about my requirements. I have a masters degree, work as a senior software professional, and I am at a decent stage of my career. Havent dated any one since 2022. Came to the US in 2022, focused on studies, I did not like anyone and was not really into seeking relationships during the degree, more over all people I had made friends with were married so there wasn't a scope of "friends to dating pipeline". I graduated in Dec, 2024. After that started working... Still I haven't dated any one or had the urge to pursue some one... I am checked out of relationships of sorts. Also, at this age most people I interact with are committed/married etc.

My parents are asking me if I am dating anyone, or have my ideal person in mind. So I told them my requirements:

1. Should be educated on par or above my qualifications.

2. Should ideally be in the US. But I am not particulary hung on this.

3. Should be working, I am open to most professions, but they should be doing well in their profession. If she's a professional then maybe making 12-15 lpa in India. If in the US, should be making 60,000, basic filter.

4. I do not want a person who is expecting to become a home maker, I want some one who has a little hustle in them, iykwim.

Now my parents are particulary stuck at finding the match in our niche "Brahmin" caste. Constantly complaining to me that my filters are too restrictive and they cant find a girl like this... I told them, why are you stuck on caste, isn't finding a good match the priority, but they wont budge on caste (I am open to all castes). My parents are sweet and very open minded, for eg they hate dowry, and most traditional views, but they are stuck on caste, and I am stuck on my 4 basic requirements.

I am getting a little annoyed and in hindsight feel I should not have let myself loose the social touch. I should have been open to dating and finding someone, in these 4 years. I try to go out, but I cant relate to a lot of folks, as I dont drink, dont smoke, dont take any kind of substances, on top of being a (strict)vegetarian...

What do you guys think I should tell my parents and try to open them up to different castes,(my intention is it boradens the candidate pool), you are a frog in the river compared to a well.

I (28M) met a sweet person (25F) through a dating app, and we have been talking for over three and a half weeks now. However, the initial two weeks involved slow and steady conversations as she was dealing with a family crisis. So I ensured she had my presence to vent when things were exhausting or to hear her thoughts for making any decisions regarding the ongoing situations.

Things started sorting out on her end, and finally we got into those classic virtual dating stuff like random truth or dare questions, getting to know each other, and quirky flirting when either of us was low on a given day. And we finally decided to have our first date soon, and things were going well as she even asked me directly to meet her parents to talk about getting married out of nowhere.

So I want to genuinely work on it and make sure we set clear expectations before deciding. I am not from Vizag, and she's from Hyderabad, which is literally a few minutes' flight from HYD. We are from the same religion and are Telugu-speaking, so I thought there would be no issues, and everything looked fine until I mentioned I'm in Hyderabad for job purposes but my native place isn't here. The conversation became more silent from her end, and it was unexpected. So I tried to relieve the pressure and explained to her that it's basically the same state until politicians wanted it for their own merits, and there's nothing to worry about. I am also fine to relocate here until I retire, maybe because recently I had a discussion with my parents about buying a home here. So, it would at least be a passive income if not used for living by me, but I couldn't say that as I thought it would add more pressure on her. However, my extended family are all spread here in Hyderabad, so it's nothing strange for me. My uncle and aunt got married in the same setup where he's from Hyd and my aunt is from Vizag. I shared this with this girl I'm talking to and ensured it's nothing complicated as my uncle and aunt are happily married. But she didn't reply like she usually does, so I just let that pause for the day and just ensured her not to overthink anything for now and said good night.

So we haven't texted each other today yet. I'm curious, would it be fine to wait until she contacts me, as she's clearly under pressure right now, or should I just break the ice and try to relieve some of that pressure for her? Perhaps I could properly explain my point of view and discuss the relocation. I need all your wise and insightful knowledge right now.

Hey guys,

I need to vent because I am genuinely sitting here scratching my head at the absolute state of arranged marriage criteria in this country.

For context, I am 28M, a Civil Engineer currently working as an Assistant Civil Engineer. Salary is Alhamdulillah, I am well-settled, my family owns our house in DHA, Lahore, and my dad is actually a successful businessman. We are Rajputs, and we’ve been looking for a family with a good blend of traditional ethics and modern values.

We thought we found a great match. The girl (24F) is a textile designer working for a Turkish firm, currently in Lahore for training. She’s also a Rajput, well-educated, and from a very wealthy agricultural family in Mirpurkhas, Sindh.

On paper, it felt like a home run. Vibes matched, caste matched, city matched for now, everything.

The Groundbreaking Reason for Rejection

My parents got the call today. They rejected the proposal. Want to know why?

> "Larka tou naukri karta hai, apna business nahi hai. Hamein zamindar ya businessman chahiye."

> They completely looked past my engineering degree, my career track, my family background, and the fact that we live in DHA, Lahore.

Because I choose to work as an Assistant Civil Engineer to build my own professional experience rather than sitting on my dad's business from day one, I am apparently a status downgrade.

The irony? My own father is a businessman. It’s not like my family doesn't understand business. But because I am currently employed in an engineering job, the girl's father thinks it’s "Ghulami" (servitude) and wants someone who inherits or runs an enterprise immediately.

Is an engineering job really a red flag now?

It is 2026. The economy is an absolute rollercoaster. Getting a proper engineering degree and working your way up as an Assistant Civil Engineer takes a lot of hard work, yet it's treated like a secondary option for people who "can't do anything else" by the old-school landlord mindset.

Has anyone else with an engineering career faced this specific bias from zamindar or hardcore business families? How do you even fight the mindset that a professional job equals a lack of ambition?

30M, pretty chill, great money, abroad settled ( aus).

My only toxic trait is loving BROWN MEN!!!

Tbh, life would be so easy if gay AM was acceptable.

I (28M), have been observing this for a while now, people send interest, I accept if I like, and vice versa, no one is talking... I sent a few introductory messages, they don't see them, they don't reply. Why is that so? Why did you send me the request?

Is this common? What's up with this? Any one facing the same thing?

I (30F) am dating a guy from a different caste, and recently I told my parents about him because they had started looking for matches for me through matrimony.

My boyfriend and I have only been dating for a few months, but we’ve been friends for many years. I honestly believed we belonged to a similar community, but before telling my parents, I confirmed it with him and found out his caste is different. He said he himself was never very aware of it. Whenever this topic came up before, he would just say, “We’ll manage.” He knew my caste from the beginning, and I was always very upfront about it.

He’s genuinely a very caring person. He takes care of me when I’m sick, listens to me patiently, remembers the smallest details about me from the day we met, and supports me in my career too. Being with him feels easy and comforting.

At the same time, my parents are also not being unreasonable or forcing me into marriage. Even after I told them about him, they didn’t pressure me. They said they only want the best for me and are worried about whether I’ll truly be accepted and treated well after an inter-caste marriage. They’ve always encouraged me to focus on my career and independence.

That’s why I feel stuck. I don’t think either side is wrong. I understand my parents’ fears, but I also know my boyfriend is a good person.

As a woman, marriage comes with so many adjustments and responsibilities already, and I keep wondering: is it worth going against my parents for this relationship, or should I let him go?

Would really appreciate honest advice, especially from people who’ve been in similar situations.
Is arranged marriage worth it because I don’t know if I will fall in love with random guy

my ideal partner would be someone like Lara Dutta in Billu barber movie (tall, lean, light brown, saree wearing with minimal jewelry/makeup) but these days city girls aren’t like that anymore
plz reach out if there’s someone like that here
i have met a few girls for marriage but none in that criteria and i feel totally disinterested talking to them
(Im 29 6ft1in tall medium fair)

I'm a single guy ,28M, never been in a relationship or even really talked much to girls in life– super awkward/introverted, desi family pressures, all that usual stuff. While traveling in Southeast Asia , I ended up doing things I'm really ashamed of now.

I have for a long time, tried to go to meetups, only am able to talk to the men. I get intimidated by women and so have able been able to bond with women in any way possible. I tried getting on dating apps and marriage apps but there generally got very few matches with girls and got rejected by girls when I told them about the experiences below.

Lost my v-card in Thailand (paid service). It wasn't that I had gone to Thailand for sex. I was exploring Thailand and had landed upon a strip club, there I had taken a liking to a stripper and then she invited me and her friend for a threesome paid sex and drunk me obliged. There, I could only have sex for 10 seconds with condom and after that blood started coming from my foreskin, so had to stop after 10 seconds and had applied cream to heal the wound. I think it was somehow due to friction between foreskin and condom. So, it was a traumatic experience for me.

Had sex once in a massage parlor in Vietnam. Like above, it was not planned, I was just there for chilling, was just tired and had gone to maasage parlour, and they asked for boom boom and I couldn't say no.

For over a year, on an average of twice a month, I went to various massage places in Bangalore for handjobs or body-to-body rubs(basically making out but only kissing shoulder and boobs) – no penetrations or bjs, but still paid services.

Everything was with consenting adults (as far as I could tell), I was single the whole time, no cheating on anyone. I never went looking for underage stuff or anything violent/forced. But now that I'm back in India, the guilt is eating me up – cultural shame, family values, wondering if I'm "damaged goods" or a bad person.

I have gotten std test for it and it is negative for all. Also, I have stopped this habit from quite some time.

Could this come back to bite me somehow (like if it gets out)?

More importantly, women, How would you feel if a guy you're considering for dating/marriage/arranged setup admitted this? Is it a dealbreaker forever? Does it make me seem like I objectify women, or just lonely and pathetic? Would you advise total honesty in AM setups, or bury it and move on? Has anyone dealt with similar regrets from guys in their circle?

I know that what I have done is shameful and have quit it. I also want to know whether there is some redemption for me. Also, I did ask each masseuse or stripper whether they were below 20 or trafficked , they did say no to both. Still, I know what I did is shameful and ick and disgusting and doesn't make anything right, but maybe could anyone please how can I help any victims of abuse from my side for the same?

I am truly sorry—for reducing anyone to a transaction, for any unseen burden or discomfort caused, and to every woman (affected or not) who feels disgust, anger, or disappointment because of choices like mine. You deserve respect and full humanity, not this.

TL; DR : Took handjobs for a year in India. had sex once in Thailand and once in Vietnam, all above at massage parlours. Filled with regret now, how would this impact my future chances of marriage? What can I do to redeem myself from this ? I have gotten std test for it and it is negative for all. Also, I have stopped this habit from quite some time.

Iong story will try to be short as possible.. grammatical mistakes maaf Krna

I’m a female currently going through a rishta situation that honestly affected my self-worth more than I expected, and I just wanted to share it here because I’m feeling quite low emotionally right now.

This rishta actually came from their side through family friends. I had gone to Hyderabad for an exam and stayed at a family friend’s place through my father’s contacts. From there, this proposal was introduced. They already knew about me and my situation from the beginning.

I was always honest that I am currently not employed, but that does not mean I don’t want to work. I absolutely want to build my career and become independent. I’ve been preparing for exams and trying to figure out my direction seriously.

But after a point, almost every conversation started revolving around my career, why I’m preparing for government exams, why not corporate, lifestyle expectations, income, stability, etc. And I understand practical concerns — today financial stability matters and both partners contributing is normal.

But what hurt me was this: if they already knew my situation from the start, then why did the same things later become such a major issue?

Somewhere it started feeling like my entire value as a person was being judged only through my current employment status. As if not having a job right now automatically means I lack ambition, capability, or seriousness towards life.

And honestly, I keep wondering — if someone earns very well but there is emotional chaos, disrespect, or constant conflict in the relationship, is that automatically considered a better match?

I think what affected me the most was not even the outcome itself, but feeling like my capabilities and self-worth were constantly under question despite being genuine throughout the process.

Also, I’m already emotionally overwhelmed, so please don’t reply with “pehle job dhoondo phir shaadi karo.” I already know career is important, and I am trying. I’m not against working at all. Right now I’m just sharing how this entire situation made me feel emotionally.

Thnx for reading.

With so many dowry cases in news these days I got reminded of an incident with my cousin. She was 31 last year and denied a guy after courtship for 5 months and roka and she was almost boycotted by her own family.

So my cousin is good looking, ambitious woman working in IT since last 10 years with 35LPA. My uncle got an rishta from common friends and guy was of similar background and package. My sisterr liked the guy a lot, he was very progressive in his views like feminist and really a gentleman.

Now roka was done and it was intimate and wedding talks started happening. Guy's family told they would host 2 functions which are tilak & reception. Our family had to host engagement, sangeet & main marriage function. All expenses will be beared by families hosting that function which my uncle agreed eventually even though our family will have major expenses.

Now with every passing day demands increased, like they told to give 200g gold to my cousin sister for wedding and they told it will be hers and we should consider then my uncle agreed as they told it is custom and my sister was also told to abide since it will her jewellery only. Now just about when venues were about to be booked guy's mother started hinting towards gifting a fortuner to guy in tilak ceremony, they justified it by saying that guy has already house loan on his name and booked flat in which my cousin will live and only vehicle is pending for a comfortable lifestyle so that should be good if we gift it as they were getting rishtas offering gifts.

My uncle was stressed and planning to sell some inheritance to fulfill but then my sister got to know, she thrased the guy and he said he will negotiate with his parents but his parents seemed very greedy so my sister trusted her gut and broke the marriage. Everyone tried to gaslight but she did not budge, my uncle even stopped talking to her for months. My cousin told the guy called and started crying but my sister told she cannot risk her life with a family like that.

Cut to now few weeks ago we got to know from some common family that they guy along with his family are booked for domestic violence and divorce case because demands were not stopping after guy got married to a girl. Although the guy did not abused but he was spineless and did not went against his mother. His mother wanted her to give salary, slapped her many times and was also torturing for more dowry. My cousin sister is so relieved today and engaged to the sweetest guy ever and both are splitting the wedding expense equally and my jiju told in fun banter that he wants ps5 in dowry and my sister told she wants dyson airwrap lol.

So pls girls don't give into pressure, marry late or not marriage at all is much better than being ended as a corpse. The demands are not going to stop, stop buying grooms!

Hi,

Do you care about the partner's past (Relationships/ sexual history) in an AM setup? They can even lie about it so does asking even make sense?

Does anyone of you bring this up and ask clearly?

Hello,

33M here, been in AM process for almost 6 months now. I have gotten a few matches before but that was offline but yesterday i got a notifications that one of the interests that i sent was accepted. It said “ we like your profile too, please send us ur contact details so we can continue this conversation, so i sent them my contact details along with a formal msg saying “feel free to contact anytime and ill share my mother’s contact details with u so u can talk to her directly (the girl’s account is managed by her parents).

Since this is my first match i have gotten im wondering whats the appropriate/ sufficient / correct amont of time to wait for their reply/ them contacting us?

Well to be honest😐, are there guys who look quite handsome , by face and features ( not by looksmaxing, body building and making jawline , strictly meaning by birth they are actually handsome ) and yet they faced problem in engaging, making girlfriend all their life ? Even at the stage of life when girls see only looks and nothing else ?

Do handsome boys exists with no girlfriends , and even after mid twenties, while having good stable job , still facing issues in AM setup?

So one of my cousin bros is currently searching for alliance (typical arranged marriage setup), and while discussing matches, I heard some rules/preferences from elders which honestly felt a bit strange to me.

Like:

• They don’t want a girl who is a single child because according to them “single children don’t know sharing” and will be too attached to parents.
• They also avoid families where both siblings are girls. Reason they gave is later the groom may be treated like their own son and expected to take care of everything because there’s no brother in the family.

This was said very casually like it’s a normal thing in matchmaking discussions.

I’m not even trying to start a fight or anything, just genuinely curious — how common is this mindset in Indian arranged marriages? Have you people also heard similar “filters” from families?