r/Arrangedmarriage

Hi everyone. I am an Indian male (32, to turn 33 soon). My experience with the AM market in India has not been a successful one. Before signing off from all efforts in this market permanently, I would like to hear the experiences of other people in the same boat. My question is, when did you finally realise that it's just not going to happen? What was the reason (money, looks, living in a small town, height, etc)? Would appreciate anyone sharing their experiences and wisdom.

P.S. This post is not intended to blame anyone or the system - please do not perceive that I intend to portray the AM market as "cruel" or "unfair" or "transactional". I am simply interested in knowing other's experiences, so that maybe I can make an informed decision to move on at the right time. Regards.

One of the only handful of requirements i had in AM was that my wife has to work, I've said the same to her when i first met her , after engagement she bought up her work is toxic so she might change jobs i supported her it's natural, then it became about how all work is toxic no work life balance and said wants break after wedding i said ok under the condition that she should search for jobs during notice period.

Now that we are married and few months in she is saying she will take few months or years break like wtf, i got pissed off she did water works to justify. I get her job is toxic but so is mine work is shit we do it to survive, I don't want end up taking care of 2-4 ppl alone down the line .

Additionally she spends nearly her entire salary on herself and supporting her parents, what am I expected to not only take care of her but also her parents?

Hi all, I turned 30 this July. I am 6ft, in FAANG, make very good money (Hoping AI doesn't eat it 🙏). But I have been on and off in the online matrimony space for last 3 yrs with no success (past 1.5yrs in Hyd, girls are very very less in number here as compared to NCR or Bangalore). A girl I am talking to (31F) wants to talk further but I am very confused since I am not too attracted to her. So I am wondering if 30Y will be too old or not and should I put attraction on a back seat or not(parents are worried too now). What do you guys think? Any advice here will be much appreciated!

Guys i need positive comments on Indian marriage, couples in healthy marriages can you guys please comment about your experience and also tell us about how you guys are adjusting with your families

Girls what do you think about marriage in India , I know my parents are cool with it and are willing to wait for right time for me to prepare my mind for marriage but I feel like i am not the only one , indian girls tell me about your all experience on Indian marriage system

I’m 40M, my wife is 38F. Before marriage I felt fine. After marriage I feel like I’ve lost myself. We live a stable upper-middle life. Money is not great, but we are not poor. Still she often looks at other people’s lives and acts like ours is a failure. Small issues turn into fights. She talks as if I’m the only useless man and everyone else is perfect. She also says I spoiled her life. She is not intimate with me in any sense. Most of the time it is blame, comparison, and distance. Is this a common problem in marriages, or is this something specific I need to deal with differently? Men who have been through this, what actually helped?

So guys, I want to know the questions you can ask the guy when you’re meeting him through an arranged marriage set up!

I want to know what are some non-negotiable questions you would ask the guy? I do have an idea about what to talk, but I don’t wanna miss out too.

I think the fear of marriages breaking has resulted in people being extremely picky and rigid about choosing a partner in arranged marriage.

Somewhere, we have forgotten that marriage is supposed to be 2 people building a life together instead of being a partner with checklist qualities.

I thought an arranged marriage would be the best bet for me, but screening biodatas feels so superficial.

It’s so transactional, and I don’t blame anyone because the whole process is designed in a way that makes you feel like you’re comparing a checklist of a product, and not a person on the other side.

Dating apps are not for me either. I’m not social enough to go meet random strangers. Plus, the intent is often unclear - is it a date to marry or just random timepass?

At this point, it feels a little hopeless to find someone.

But changing my personality just to meet more people feels exhausting and, honestly, a little desperate. And I don’t think I’m there yet.

Anyone who can relate? Or was in a similar situation and figured out a way around it?

For context: 30F, Delhi based, have a corporate career

I (30M) and my fiance (27F) were going to get married in a few months. We had agreed that I was going to gift a few things for marriage to her as per traditions. She added another thing and sent me the receipt for it. It’s cost although significant is not the end of the world for me and I can afford it. However, I couldn’t stop thinking about why this was added suddenly when it was not in the plan. I told her that it sort of bothered me when she added this without consulting me but I will gift her the new thing. She thinks I am too big of a stuck up and doesn’t care for her feelings. This has left me confused and wondering if I was being too petty. The relationship feels very strained now and I don’t know how to process this.

I am 31M and my wife is 30F.

We have been married for almost two years now. Since then, my wife has been jobless as she moved to a new country. She has been constantly applying for jobs and learning the new language, but one problem is that she needs constant emotional support.

Almost every day, sometimes 4 to 5 times a day, she needs me to motivate her, tell her she can do it, and calm her down when she has a panic attack or starts overthinking. I used to do it, but lately I have been feeling burned out. Because of this, we constantly fight and argue, and she blames me for not being supportive enough.

I can understand her situation, but being an emotional punching bag leaves me drained as well. I have been reacting coldly lately, and sometimes I feel bad about it. But in the end, I need to take care of my mental health as well.

One question that always comes to my mind is: Is this normal in all marriages, or am I experiencing something unique here?"

TL;DR: I'm burned out and pulling away after constantly supporting my wife through her job-search anxiety, and I wonder if this marital strain is normal.

Hi, I am a cloud engineer and im currently 26 yrs old. Family members have started discussing that you should start looking for a partner as the AM route takes time. I have decided to start looking next year ie 2027, my salary is below 10 LPA, and I work in a tier-2 city away from my family. I don’t have any financial dependency of my family and I spend and save my salary for myself only.

One thing that has got my attention is that in matrimony apps like shaadi / Bhaarat Matrimony or JS the other side is always looking for someone perfect, as if that human is perfect without any flaws.

Also I want to know your opinion on how to filter out the people who are never transparent about anything, if Im looking for a partner I will want her to be fully transparent with me, if something comes up in future and idk about that then it definitely puts a dent on trust level. Also i think communication between partners is the key to solve many marriage problems as instead of talking to your partner people rely on their family side to solve the problem which in turn creates a bigger mess.

I’m going to be 28 soon, and honestly, I’m feeling pretty confused about what I should do.

I had a serious relationship for around 4 years, which ended about 2 years ago. Since then I’ve tried dating, but it just hasn’t worked out. Either people seem to want something casual, or we just don’t vibe/connect.

I genuinely do want to fall in love and have that feeling of choosing each other, but I also know I’m not against an arranged marriage. The problem is that now that my parents have started asking me to look, I feel pressured by the “this is an arranged marriage” aspect of it.

I’m naturally quite quiet, reserved and a bit moody 😅. It takes me a while to become comfortable with someone and actually open up. And from what I’ve seen, arranged-marriage conversations can feel very transactional — job, salary, family, expectations, marriage timeline… rather than actlly getting to know the person.

Maybe I’m overthinking the whole “love vs arranged” thing.

Would love to hear from people who’ve been in a similar situation.

TL;DR: Almost 28, had a 4-year serious relationship that ended 2 years ago. Dating hasn’t worked since. I’m open to arranged marriage but feel pressured by the process because I’m reserved and take time to open up, while arranged-marriage conversations often feel transactional. Confused about what to do

Hi guys,

Sorry if I make this overly long but feel like I need to get it out my system. I am 26F south Asian woman. I am about to have an arranged marriage and became really fond of the guy. I haven’t had a chance yet to ask him whether he wants children or not. Of course I plan on asking him this before I decided anything.

My mum was stuck in a marriage with my dad for over 30 years and her life became miserable, they had us kids because they thought the situation between them would become better and change but originally my dad didn’t want kids. They thought if they had children they would start feeling love for each other and any dispute would get resolved. Instead it got worse and dad started to cheat, financially abuse my mum, etc. they never got along for the 30 years and decided to split. So me, my sisters and my mum are living in a new home away from my dad. I found out my dad was cheating when I was 14. my mum and dad would argue every single day and that traumatised us as kids into adult hood. My mum would threaten to SH herself.

I nearly got sectioned and had issues with SH myself as a result of all of this. I am 100% certain I do not want kids. I have felt this way since I was 22 and as time goes on my desire for not wanting kids only get stronger. I do not want to bring kids into a world where they fall victim to my generational trauma. I still have metal health problems. Not as bad but some situations will bring that. I know I will not be mentally stable or strong enough to look after them and love them the way they would want. And that is selfish to bring them up into a world like that. I would not want them questioning why their mother didn’t want them or love them.

Anyways, this topic came up with my mum and I told her I didn’t want kids she asked me why I didn’t. I told her it’s just not something I want and didn’t bother explaining it to her because I knew 100% she wouldn’t understand. She told me I can’t do that and that I have to have a kid. I told her it’s not something I have to do and I will be perfectly fine. She told me I wouldn’t and that even if I didn’t want 3-4 then to at least have 1 so they can look after me when I grow old. I told her that was selfish. To only have kids with the intention of them being carers for you. She told me not to tell the guy I am getting married to that I don’t want kids. We started arguing so I hung up on her.

She then called me back later and asked me for valid reasons on why I don’t want children and then proceeded to ask me if I meant “never have them” or “just for the time being” I lied to her and said “just for the time being” because I know she wouldn’t understand and would try to convince me either way. She got happy to hear of this and said “you scared me for a sec I thought you meant you never wanted them”

Did I do the right thing by lying? I don’t really know how to bring this conversation up with the man I’m supposed to be marrying?

I'm 33M, Bangalore, working in tech. I've been in the AM process for about 3-4 years now.

About 6 months ago I got a proposal from a matrimony app. 33F, and I genuinely liked her. Nice person, easy to talk to. The kundali didn't match, so both families said no and we called it off. I am not a believer of kundali or caste but everyone in AM market do.

We kept talking on calls about once a week anyway. At some point I realised she was getting attached and it was turning into more than friendship, so we had an honest conversation and stopped talking. I'd also been telling her about my AM experiences and giving her advice on dealing with guys, so we were pretty close for a while.

Now, 2-3 months later, her family found a different dates that work, and the kundali issue is basically gone. My parents like her and her family too.

The problem is that I don't feel what I felt back then. When the kundali thing ended it, I accepted it and moved on mentally. I've been talking to other people since. Now I'm struggling to switch back to where my head was. She knows exactly how I feel and has been very understanding about it, which honestly makes it harder. I have made clear that it can be negative or positive but currently i don’t feel anything more than respect.

So: is this normal? Can feelings like this come back if I give it time, or does it usually mean it's not right?

Has anyone been in a similar spot, where the obstacle disappeared after you'd already emotionally moved on?

I am planning to discuss the following things during our first meeting. We have been in regular contact for 4 months now but will meet for the first time soon. These are the topics I am planning to broach. The roles to fulfill the responsibilities will be fluid. Please let me know if this is too much. Or if I'm missing out on anything.

Big picture -

Finance Management - Savings, investments, jewellery, property, no compromise on child/children education, joint account (s).

Family structure - Values, joint/nuclear family (as per the need - hard boundaries where necessary), responsibility of parents, strict privacy, no discussion and zero influence of either family members when it comes to our own decisions including how to raise the kids.

Career - Choices/sacrifices (if necessary/situational discretion).

Communication - Handling of disagrements in a mature way. Open line of communication to avoid misunderstanding. We can disagree but a third person should not know about our differences, including kids. Avoid playing good cop/bad cop. No putting kids in the middle of the fights. No deflection of blame on each other. How to solve issues/disagreements while living in a joint family or in front of kids.

Personality - Calm, patient and level headed in stressful situations as there will be many.

Small picture:

Daily routine - Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, appliance repairs.

Money Habits - Utility bills, insurances, small personal loans. Privacy/transparency when it comes to personal spending habits or small/daily personal spends. Discussion on big spends.

Recreational - Weekend outings, foreign trips

Me-time - Sometime away from each other on a routine basis to reboot.