at what point do i leave?
so im 18F and grew up in a very toxic environment, my parents were very strict and christian. they were always fighting, except for occasionally when they weren't. i wont go too into detail bc i dont think it's that important, and if your on this subreddit then you can probably imagine the behaviors i had to deal with. about 18 months ago, my mom finally decided to divorce my dad bc my younger sister threatened to unalive herself if she had to continue living with him. she also came forward abt smeckshual abuse from him that she recieved as a child (i did the same years ago but there "wasnt enough evidence to convict")
anyways, i would've left the minute i turned 18, but i was never allowed to have a job or get my license as a teen, so i had no way of supporting myself. i decided to live with my mom because i viewed her as the lesser of two evils. while my mom is toxic and unstable and sometimes scary, my dad smeckshually abused me and was extremely controlling, even to the point of stalking me while i was staying w my mom. i applied for college and got accepted into a rly good school. my dad is a disabled veteran, so i'm supposed to get a tuition waiver. however, he refused to give me the papers i needed to apply for the scholarship unless i gave him all of the information about my classes, access to my grades, attendance, etc., and agreed to stay with him while i went to school. my mom said she would help me go to college without the scholarship, even tho she was poor and my dad had kept all of their finances from her. my mom's promises have never meant much, so you can imagine where ive been for the past year (hint: it's not at school)
so yea, for over a year now, ive been living with my mom, unable to work bc i have no means of transportation, and unable to do work or school online bc she randomly shuts off the wifi whenever shes feeling inconvienienced by me or my sis. the divorce was supposed to be finalized in june, but my dad has pushed the date back yet again. when it's finalized, my mom will recieve another car that she's going to let me use to get a job
recently my mom has stopped taking her prozac bc she can't afford it. she's been getting more violent and im constantly living on edge, wondering when she'll try to fight me again, or when she'll kick me out for a couple days again to prove some point. just today she threw a knife at my bookshelf and broke something that was special to me. ive been trying to wait out this divorce and just keep my head down until i can get that car and start saving money for school and my own place, but i'm getting to a breaking point. ive become numb to the emotional ache of always being at the end of her pointed finger, but when it's her fist in my face, that's something i cant just ignore. i've strongly considered just leaving and trying to live at a woman's shelter or something, because i feel so unsafe and stagnant, and im so tired of putting up with my mom's toxic bs. at what point do i decide that my mom is a danger to me and i need to leave? i dont have any friends or family i can stay with. my parents kept me from having close friends when i was younger. i dont have anyone else i can rely on