Pregnant and confused
I’d love to know if anyone relates to this or has any insight.
I’m in my late 30s and have considered myself bisexual for many years. I’ve always fantasized about being with women, but I’ve never actually felt attraction to any woman IRL, and I’ve never had a crush on a woman. I always told myself that if I did, I would act on it. I have lesbian and bisexual friends and live in a very open/liberal community. Conversely, I have had many crushes on men and have often felt attraction to them IRL. When I watch porn, though, I am only drawn to the women, and when I fantasize I think about women much more often than men. I have just accepted that this is my own version of bisexuality.
The first two years with my husband, I felt a huge amount of attraction to him and literally felt like I “craved” intimacy and sex with him. There was zero question in my mind then that I was attracted to him and loved sleeping with him. I have some history of mild sexual trauma, past vaginismus, and I have ADHD, so I sometimes find it hard to relax during sex and don’t always orgasm (even if husband does everything right - he is generous). I always try to be super “present” and in the moment with him because I feel like fantasizing about anyone else or any other situation is disrespectful or even vaguely cheating-esque (maybe this is stupid). One day, I was having trouble climaxing so for the first time ever, I let myself fantasize and thought about being with a woman, and I had my biggest ever orgasm with him. This freaked me out SO MUCH. What scares me is the idea that I might secretly be closeted and somehow deceiving him and myself. I am madly in love with my husband and have no desire of leaving him and no desire of being with a woman IRL. I don’t know if the orgasm meant I’m truly more attracted to women than I am to him, or if it was just liberating to escape into fantasy and not be so “present” (I’m sometimes just laying there worrying about how long it’s taking me to climax, and/or interrogating every sensation, so I’m not sure being “present” is helpful? Other times I orgasm more easily).
Shortly after this experience, I got pregnant, and my libido has changed so much. It’s super low. I’m also on meds that have made both my vulva and vagina feel superrrr uncomfortable (raw, itchy, swollen). My desire for my husband is totally gone at the moment. (My love for him and desire to cuddle/kiss him are still very strong.) I’m sleeping with him still a few times a month because I love him so much, and parts of the experience do still feel good, but many parts hurt, and I don’t feel any attraction to him right now. Sometimes when we watch a movie or something though, I do find myself feeling twinges of attraction still for the women onscreen, even though my libido overall is very diminished. I know pregnancy hormones can be wild…
I guess I’m wondering if anyone relates to this or has insight to share? I know some of you were previously married to men. Am I just overthinking ALL of this and causing myself more distress than is necessary, or is there maybe something here?