r/latebloomerlesbians

I recently met a woman, and we have a lot in common more than I’ve experienced with most women I’ve dated. Our conversations have been easy, we connect on a lot of levels, and I genuinely enjoy getting to know her.

The situation that’s giving me pause is that she recently told me she’s still in communication with her ex. She was very transparent and told me she misses the sex with her ex and that they’re still talking.

On one hand, I appreciate the honesty. I’ve honestly never had someone be this upfront with me while we’re getting to know each other. On the other hand, it makes me wonder whether she’s truly available for a new relationship.

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my own dating patterns, and one thing I’ve realized is that I tend to become interested in women who aren’t fully emotionally available. I’m trying to break that cycle because it hasn’t been healthy for me.

My question is: if someone tells you they’re still talking to their ex and openly says they miss the intimacy they had with them, do you see that as a sign they’re not fully healed or not ready for something new? Or can someone genuinely be ready to move forward while still having those feelings?

I’m not judging her at all. I actually respect the honesty. I’m just trying to determine whether stepping back to protect my own peace is the right move or whether I’m overthinking it.

Would love to hear from anyone who’s been on either side of this situation.

We all know that many parts of the world push unrealistic and harmful beauty standards, with certain features being deemed most ideal and women without said features being demonised. I want to ask those who've been comfortable with their sapphic identity for a while and have dating experience, whether your definition of beauty has expanded, or if you think it broadly sits in line with what's conventional?

Just curious, question for late bloomer lesbians. Did you have crushes on women, or sexual feelings, or did you repress sexual feelings towards women before you realised you were gay?
Or did you just notice later in life that you were suddenly attracted to women?

I’m a 35-year-old gay woman living in a pretty conservative country where being openly gay is still complicated. I’ve always known I liked women, and I’ve dated women before, but a lot of them struggled to fully accept their attraction to women. Over time, those experiences hurt me more than I’d like to admit.

Because of that, I made a promise to myself: I would stop dating women who mainly date men or who are still unsure about their sexuality. I wanted someone who fully embraces who they are. The problem is… in my country, it’s already rare enough to find someone.

Recently, I met a woman who told me from the start that she liked being with women physically, but not emotionally. We ended up having something physical together, and honestly, it was incredible. For me, it was supposed to stay physical too, even though deep down I was already getting attached. I tried really hard to keep boundaries and protect myself emotionally.

But then, after a few days, she told me that being with me made her feel things she had never felt before. She said she started questioning herself for the first time, wondering if maybe she’s not only bisexual, but also bi-romantic, and capable of genuinely falling for a woman.

Everything between us became extremely intense.

I told her that I think this has to be her own experience and her own journey. Everyone has to figure these things out for themselves. But I was also honest with her: I told her that, ideally, I want to be with someone who can fully accept and embrace their sexuality.

She panicked a little. She told me she doesn’t know what the future looks like, she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to fully own this part of herself, especially considering where we live and how society is here. But she also said that whatever she feels with me is so intense that she’s willing to take the risk and see where it goes.

And now I feel completely torn.

I know I let myself go with her. I lowered my guard in a way I haven’t done in years. But because of my past experiences and the emotional trauma I carry from them, I’m terrified of getting hurt again.

My biggest question now is: should I follow my heart or my brain?

Because my whole life, I’ve followed my heart, and honestly, it usually doesn’t end well for me. But at the same time, I know that if I only listen to my brain, I might miss out on something real and meaningful that I’m actually living right now.

I also understand that one of the “side effects” of this kind of attachment is the crash that can come after it. And I genuinely don’t know how to handle that possibility.

I feel lost.

(Mods please delete if this kind of post isn’t allowed)
A couple years ago I was in a heterosexual marriage, genuinely convinced I was just bad at being happy. I thought I was bi. I knew I liked women, I just didn’t realize yet that I didn’t like men. Then one night I found this subreddit.

I remember reading posts for hours and feeling this insane sense of recognition. Like suddenly there were hundreds of women describing feelings I had never been able to explain properly, even to myself. At some point, something in me relaxed. I realized I wasn’t broken, or cold, or incapable of love. I was just gay.

That was a few years ago now. I came out, changed my life completely, and became a much more honest version of myself. This community gave me language for something I had spent years trying to understand alone. It probably saved me a lot of time and confusion.

A while back I started turning a lot of those thoughts and feelings into a guided journal. Things like doubt, grief, denial, recognition, all the strange in-between parts of realizing you’re queer later in life. It ended up becoming a 40 prompt journal across six chapters.

It’s called Retroactively Queer i A Journal for People Who Googled “Am I Gay” at 2am.

It’s available as a PDF download if anyone wants it.

So, after over a year of digging deep into parts of myself I have ignored for a long, long time, I (34) came out as a lesbian to my boyfriend of 3 years. Understandably, he is heartbroken and finding ways to navigate this situation. I feel so alone and guilty in this process, as it’s not something anyone prepares you for and very few people can relate to. How did those of you in similar situations cope with the guilt? And how did you move forward after coming to terms with your sexuality?

I’m 45, was married to a man for 14 years, currently in the middle of a divorce, and apparently a late bloomer because here we are.

I’ve been navigating a connection with another woman (45F) that started as friendship and has become… whatever this is.

We met about 2 months ago.

From the beginning, there was chemistry. Not subtle chemistry. The kind where conversation flows easily, time disappears, there’s lingering eye contact, little touches, inside jokes, and every time you leave, you sit there thinking… okay, what exactly is happening here?

The complication is that she has been the uncertain one.

Things she has said over time:

• “I don’t know what this is.”
• “I feel a bond with you, but I don’t know how to categorize it.”
• “I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel.”

She has also told me she generally prefers masculine-presenting women, which I am not.

So imagine trying to make sense of:
strong chemistry + growing emotional intimacy + a person who keeps telling you they’re unsure what this means.

That has basically been my reality.

Last Saturday was her birthday weekend. She’s been under a lot of stress, so I planned a nice day for her.

Spa. Dinner. Hotel. No pressure. Just quality time.

And honestly, the whole day felt incredibly easy.

Relaxed. Warm. Fun.

No awkwardness. No emotional heaviness. No “we need to define this” energy.

Dinner was great, wine was involved, lots of laughing, and definitely that charged feeling where both people know something is there, even if no one is explicitly saying it.

And when we got back to the hotel… yeah.

I won’t get into details because that’s not really the point, but let’s just say whatever restraint existed before disappeared.

What surprised me most was how calm I felt.

I’ve had first-time experiences before where I felt nervous or in my head.

This wasn’t that.

This felt like, “Oh. Okay. This makes sense.”

And she was fully there too, which honestly surprised me because historically she’s been the uncertain one.

The next morning also wasn’t weird, which I fully expected it might be.

Still warm.
Still affectionate.
Still easy.

A few days later I asked her:
“How are you after Saturday?”

She said:
“I’m good.”

I asked:
“No regrets?”

She said:
“No regrets.”

At that point my brain started doing backflips.

Then we started talking about seeing each other again this Sunday.

Original plan was:
massage + dinner + hotel

She agreed.

Then this woman completely broke my mental model.

She suggested:
“What if instead of a hotel, we come to my house?”

I genuinely did not expect that.

Because to me, that feels way more intimate than a hotel.

This is the same woman who has spent weeks trying to understand what she feels.

So yes, I was surprised.

When I asked if she was sure, she said:
“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I wasn’t okay with it.”

And I think what’s getting me is not even the physical part.

It’s the mutuality.

From early on, I felt like there was something real here.

But when the other person keeps saying they’re unsure, you start questioning your own instincts.

Like, am I actually picking up on something real, or am I just building a compelling internal narrative because I want it to be true?

This week feels like the strongest evidence yet that I was not imagining the mutual part.

I am trying very hard not to take one intense week and turn it into a whole future story.

But objectively…

What would you make of this?

Every recommendation online looks like two people trying to build IKEA furniture without instructions.
I need realistic advice, not Cirque du Soleil auditions.

I have been in denial for a while now, but I think I have to start admitting to myself that I am a lesbian (even that much is scary and difficult for me). The problem--and part of the reason I've become more certain of my identity--is the man I'm currently dating.

I feel like an awful person. I was questioning my sexuality even before I started dating him, but I got with him anyway because I thought maybe I'd like it. I was hoping I'd be "normal" after all--and honestly I think the reason I haven't broken it off yet is because I'm still hoping I'm straight. That maybe it's him I don't like, not men as a whole. But deep down I know that isn't reality--straight women enjoy being near their male partners, they enjoy kissing them, they like spending time with them, they crave physical intimacy... and I don't. I realistically can't see myself ever enjoying that, with this man or any other man. My body is repulsed by his--not in its appearance, but its proximity to my own--and I feel so guilty for it.

I know that the moral thing to do is to stop seeing him. But on top of being new to the dating game in general and breakups, I am also selfishly afraid of losing the security he offers me. With him, I can be "straight." I don't have to do any real, difficult digging into my identity or what I want. I don't have to come out and risk losing people from my life or changing how my loved ones see me. Selfishly, I'm waiting for feelings that I know can never exist for him because it'd make my life easier. I know that makes me so bad.

Edit: I broke things off w him and I feel so much lighter now. Even though I’m scared bc I know it’ll be harder to move forward being the person I truly am, I just feel so relieved to be free of that situation.

Hi friends,

I am a late bloomer lesbian but haven't been in a relationship yet. Recently I have told a woman that I am lesbian. I see her once in a while, in a semi professional setting.

When I told her about it, she asked questions like how did you find out, have you ever been in love with a woman, etc. We talked about it and she seemed to understand really clearly that long before I came out it didn't feel like being lesbian was an 'option'. It felt like I just didnt like men and that was it (my mom was very homophobic). She put the words in my mouth and i was like YESS and she was really happy for me that I came out.

Since then I see her sometimes, but not often. We see each other at the workplace. I dont know if I'm imagening things ..... but she is acting different around me. She is suddenly touchy. She touched my shoulder and my waist while we talked (VERY) briefly in between work. She also said I could call her anytime, but this was after I asked her something and she told me Id better call another because they know more about the issue I was asking about. Also she seems to get a little nervous when we look into eachothers eyes abit longer when we speak. Maybe i am imagening things and im just sinking away in her eyes haha, but she does seem different. She is older than me and has been single for many many years.

Why would she be doing this? Why would someone suddenly become touchy?

About 5 years ago I realised I was into women and told my husband straight away. He took it well, and it's been something present in our relationship but not a big deal.

Since then I have been slowly exploring my queer identity (not sexually) and acknowledging thoughts and feelings that come up around women, myself etc.

Over the years (and 2 kids later) I go through phases of being really intensely attracted to women, crushing really hard etc.

Cut to last week where I sat down with him and talked about my queer longing and trying to come up with a solution to explore that while also maintaining stability as a family.

He took it really well, and I am so happy that I don't have to hide this part of me. I like that we can move forward with discussions about what to do.

I'm not sure what will happen next, but I feel so proud of taking this first step, keeping communication open and not feeling so guilty for my wandering eyes and thoughts.

I am a „late blommer something“, meaning, I first felt attraction towards a women at 45. I‘ve been with one woman since, for 2 months, I am 47 now. Also since the one woman I haven‘t been with any men and the thought of having sex with a man is boring. But I still have no need to define my sexuality. Why do we care about those definitions so much?

Another thing is… I don‘t feel like going to lesbian spaces (bars etc) because I feel that amongst many queer people,,being queer became their whole identity and that is the most important thing about them. Life for me was never about sex (love sex, but when I don‘t have it it‘s not a problem). Also, I am at a point in my life where I don‘t need to be in a relationship. What i would like is a friendship, with sex, but without the need to own someone (and I am not talking poly, I am “programmed“ for monogamy).

Anyway don‘t know why I am weiting all this. Maybe because I need to hear that some of you feel the same way. And when I meet women from the Apps, most of them really are looking dor relationships.
So, anyone else feel like I do?

I feel so stupid asking this. but I have killed my nerves by using the satisfyer pro 2 too much over the years. I cant really cum without a lot of stimulation now, but my partner really likes oral and I was never comfortable receiving because of dysphoria and trauma but I’ve gotten more comfortable recently. I want to actually enjoy it and be able to cum, it’s not that they’re bad at it, but my body is just used to way more stimulation. and i know it’s a lot about mindset but i tend to get too focused on the end goal to actually enjoy myself. are there any tips you guys have other than just lay off the satisfyer for a while? like are there other ways I should be masturbating that might make this easier for me?

Both my partner and I are late bloomers (late 30s) and this is the first queer relationship for both of us. We've been together for several years now and it's been great!

However, I have trouble integrating with her friends and it's always been kind of an issue for us. The friends are straight women that I don't jive with; they aren't necessarily mean, we just have different interests and personality types. My partner is rather social and likes to invite me to a lot of events with these women, and about 98% of the time these women don't bring their partners. I think it feels more "acceptable" to invite me along because we are all women. My partner also expresses a lot that she wants her friends to know me. These women don't do many things with their partners and some of them are single so it's very typical that I'm the only partner present.

I know some couples always do things together, regardless of gender identity, but I guess I'm having trouble navigating this as a queer woman. I think I'm getting in my head and comparing it too much to heterosexual relationships I've seen where men and women each have their own friend groups separated by gender. I personally don't invite my partner to my friend hang outs because I have more one on one relationships with my friends. I like this level of intimacy and I feel like it would change things if I invited my partner.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? I've been working on drawing boundaries and not hanging out with her friends as much but I know this is hard for her because she feels like her friends will never "know me."

I’m an intelligent and attractive mature woman who identifies as lesbian.
I live in a rural area where the LGBTQ population is sparse.
So I turned to dating apps and met a woman. We hit it off and texted/spoke on the phone every day. We were planning on seeing a movie together but I have not heard from her since Mother’s Day.
I’ve texted and phoned but she doesn’t answer. I don’t know if she’s sick or in the hospital or what.
This ghosting has hurt my ego a bit.
Any advice?

Basic question, me and my gilfriend moved in together a few months ago, after seeing eachother for abut two years.

We both left heterosexual marriages, and I could accept to call myself and her bi, though I’d prefer the “late bloomer lesbian”-label. but she maintains that she is straight and “happens to be in a relationship with a woman”.

I’ve known a few women through the years who said something similar, and to be fair they usually only had heterosexual relationships before and after, apart from that one. But still, what is this, if you are straight you would be expected to have 0 same sex relationships - I could accept a short fling or a one night stand at the most.

It’s starting to piss me off when I hear her tell her / our friends and her and my family that she is straight. Like what am I to her, then? A pastime?

Anyone else heard this, what can I do? Will she inevitably dump me for a man?

Hi fellow late bloomer gals 💖

I’m in my mid 30s and sort of coming out for the second time now after taking a break from dating for many years to work on (and be honest with) myself. I don’t have any queer friends / community yet, and I haven’t been in a relationship with a woman before.

I know now that I’m not interested in dating men (and probably never really was) but feel really overwhelmed and nervous thinking about trying to find queer community and trying to date.

I don’t really know where to begin and I’m kind of terrified I won’t be accepted because of my lack of experience (for some context, I’m coming out for the second time because the first time went terribly - including other queer people telling me I’m not really queer because I’ve dated men before, and telling me that I’m pretending to be attracted to women in order to be more attractive to men 💔).

It’s really helped me to read your posts here over the last couple of years, and I’ve been really inspired by the bravery of so many of you 💖. I know I need to put myself out there and start living my truth. I’ve spent so long being scared and I think I just need to try to take the leap again.

I’m wondering if anybody has advice about how they navigated finding / building queer community and starting to date women. If anybody has experience with doing this in Melbourne, I would love to hear Melbourne-specific advice too!

I've been seeing someone. Its not physical yet, but it seems to be on its way there, possibly. I really like her. In fact, she's the first woman I've been consciously interested in. Very interested in. And (I don't want to jinx anything) but so far I'm getting the impression that this is potentially mutual.

My point of stress here is that I'm learning the hard way that I had no idea how certain things felt or how involuntary those feelings are.

Like great, no one explained that being into someone meant I can't stop thinking of her and walking around massively turned on most of the day. Its very weird. Like I've downloaded an expansion pack.

I'm realizing that when I do think of her sexually, I feel immense guilt. And it sucks because she's on my mind constantly and the most inappropriate thoughts and scenarios will fly into my mind involuntarily. I didn't realize they were involuntary. But then I'll feel so guilty for thinking about her sexually. Like I'm violating her? I don't know.

Anyone else experienced this?