F(21) I don’t know how to stop… I’ve just realised I’m an addict.
I’ve never posted on Reddit like this before… I’m going to exclude details for the sake of my boyfriend.
We have been together two years and I love him so much, but I never feel sexually satisfied. But I think that’s my problem not his, and I believe I have a sex addiction. What do you think?
When we see each other (we don’t live together) we have sex almost everyday. But we’re long distance so it would be like 2 weeks no seeing each other, then 4 days together. During those two weeks I go mad, it’s almost physically painful how horny I get and I feel so unsatisfied. I ashamedly watch porn and touch myself almost everyday.
This sounds evil- and I’m admitting it- but whenever my boyfriend does something to upset me in our relationship (eg we had an argument) I feel so upset, and then I want to retaliate. Impulsively I sex chat with strangers online… a couple of times I sent nudës.
I’m also an anxious attachment type of person, so my intrusive thoughts are like “fuck him if he doesn’t love me I’ll just cheat on him”.
But those are intrusive thoughts, I don’t actively want that and I have no idea how to stop it.
Recently he decided to take this job which was 10 weeks without telling me much… so we’d have to be long distance for 10 weeks. I knew this was going to be an issue for my libido and I raised my concerns with him, but there’s ultimately nothing he could do. He’s taken the job, it’s good money.
In this time I also planned to travel. I’ve been watching porn everyday and it makes me feel disgusting. But it’s a way to relax and the only thing that makes me feel better for a bit. I think about sex all the time.
I went alone to a club and fucked a stranger impulsively. I feel fucking disgusted with myself but I really enjoyed it in the moment and I hate that.
This is after my boyfriend told me he’s spending one on one time with a coworker on this 10 week travelling job. And logically I know that doesn’t mean anything, and he wouldn’t be unfaithful to me. But I feel jealous and the thought of another woman getting to be around him instead of me makes me sad.
So somehow in my twisted mind I used that as an excuse to fuck someone else. I really hate this about myself and I don’t know what to do. I want to stop and I feel so alone, does anyone else relate to this?
Another note is: in my last relationship, when I was 18, it was pretty toxic and we had an argument and he blocked me for a few days. So in retaliation I downloaded a dating app and fucked someone else. This is just another example of my behaviour which I really want to change now.
I’d be so grateful for any help, thank you for reading.